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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Dadsnet

Okay, male perspective needed but all welcome!

20 replies

Monkeytrousers · 14/01/2007 17:26

What would you say is your first priority; your family or your job - or is this a double bind??

On one hand we rely on his job as he brings home the veggie bacon as it were. It provides 80% of cost of living - I work part time anywhere, any shitty job, to bring in the rest. He maintains his 'career' while mine (my PhD is on hold) flounders.

This was the way we were going to play it for a while until DS was in nursery (although DP is saying he'd like another soon) and then I was going to restart study while still working part time.

The problem is DP is developing a business venture which will guarantee him a minimum wage (at the mo he's self employed), that minimum still being 80%, but it will tie him down more which means if a lucrative job comes along (which is a possibility) he won't be able to take it. So basically, its as though the job is the first priority not his family ? do you see what I mean?

I'm just not sure what to think of it all?

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Monkeytrousers · 14/01/2007 20:04

oh charmm on!

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UnquietDad · 15/01/2007 23:27

It's a difficult one It sounds as if he is thinking long-term? Maybe he will be earning less to earn more in the future, if you see what I mean.

I'm sure he IS thinking of the family and that's why he's broadening his business options.

Obviously I can't speak for your DP. But generally we are in a really awkward situation as men, as we are often expected both to provide AND be there for the family. Often the two just can't dovetail as neatly as one might hope.

Hence (and this is not aimed at you, just a general broadside!) all the mums on here moaning about DH/DP having the gall to be out from 6am to 7pm at work, and not making the connection between this and the fact that they have the luxury - and it IS a luxury - of being at home with the kids. Or between this and a comfortable lifestyle where the mortgage is paid on only one salary. Anyone who's in this position is very lucky and should think before they MOAN about DH's working hours.

chubbleigh · 15/01/2007 23:44

Me and my partner planned that he would develop his career and then when he had got going I would do the same. He went from strength to strength, then when it seemed like anything was possible I got pregnant we had a baby and then the whole thing went tits up and I am now a single mum with no career to speak of and a long stint at home. So my take on this is, if you really have got ambitions, don't let them fester and find yourself in a position where getting back to the sort of work you want to do is really really difficult. If his work situation boxes you in, you will feel resentment.

AntEater · 15/01/2007 23:48

Family first.
As the business is mine tho I do spend a lot of 'family' time at work, 60 hour weeks are normal at busy times.
Its that old work balance thing..

Monkeytrousers · 16/01/2007 11:55

Cheers me'dears

I know what you mean UnquietDad - it is a double bind. It would be better if the system didn't pit parents against one another and offered them real choices rather than bitter compromises - for both of them! That's what a work/life balence is for most of us.

But that really would be in an ideal world.

It only gets frustrating sometimes Chubb - just after having to smile nicely at some drunk arsehole who thinks cos your trapped behind the bar it's your job to smile and make him feel better (that's what the booze is for, isn't it ). DP isn't very sympathetic, but I think that may be because he's a bit embarresed that I have to do it in the first place. Just got a job in a herb garden for the summer so that's much better.

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DrDaddy · 16/01/2007 14:30

Family definitely comes first, but I agree with UnquietDad, it's difficult to get that balance right as so much is expected of us as Dads. Most of my male friends are striving to get as much of the mortgage paid / achieve that business venture to benefit their family in the longer term.
Are you doing your PhD part-time, by the way? Universities are generally pretty accommodating for research degrees.

Monkeytrousers · 16/01/2007 18:20

Yes, if I don't get a studentship it will be part time over 6 years.

The main thing which worries me about that is that my thesis won't be so 'cutting edge' by that time

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DrDaddy · 17/01/2007 12:25

Depends on the subject, I guess. A PhD is an apprenticeship to prove you can do original research. Very few end up being earth-shattering in their original format. It's where the research takes you afterwards that is key. Do you want to enter academe afterwards? I found that after years of research as PhD and postdoc and no money that I didn't want to pursue an academic career! Mind you, that was 13 years ago. I still hanker after it sometimes.... sigh

Monkeytrousers · 17/01/2007 19:28

Yes I do want to be an academic DrDaddy.

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DrDaddy · 17/01/2007 19:48

Good on ya! The best of luck then. What's your field by the way?

Monkeytrousers · 23/01/2007 12:21

Darwinian gender studies DrDAddy

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moondog · 23/01/2007 12:28

I dunno MT.
You can't have it all.
You just have to flounder along with what is a best fit at the time.

My dh has been abroad for 6 years as he makes good money doing this.I've stopped work,then started an MSc and am now going back to work.

He has supported me with the MSc in the smae way I supported him when he was doing his (finished last year)

I sometimes feel resentful that he is not around more to do things with the children but logically I know that he is working very hard,to,amongst other things,pay for f/t childcare for the children while i get on with a p/t MSc.

Monkeytrousers · 25/01/2007 22:55

Hello MD, not ignoring you sorry.

I am greedy, I know. It would be better if he had a libido too

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motherinferior · 25/01/2007 23:01

I am not sure that this is so much about the family as about him giving proper weight to you and your priorities. I've been in a not dissimilar situation, preDP and prekids, with a partner whose career was doing rather well, while I subsidised him but didn't do what I really wanted to be doing.

I don't think you're greedy for wanting to do your PhD and for feeling deprived of this option. I do think that he needs to realise this.

Monkeytrousers · 25/01/2007 23:08

Oh MI, the bottom line is if I had more resourses I would leave him. If I didn't have DS I would have left him long ago. But (and I think I posted this somewhere else around here) it's like in Jane Eyre when she says she's like to leave but not if it would mean she'd be poor. I could be poor, but I can't do that to DS.

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motherinferior · 25/01/2007 23:09

Oh feck

I really, really want you to be able to do this PhD.

Monkeytrousers · 25/01/2007 23:11

So do I..I have a meeting next time at LSE. Am going to lay my cards on the table as I am out of options at the mo.

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moondog · 25/01/2007 23:13

Wasn't he sniffy about you 'only' getting a 2:2?

moondog · 25/01/2007 23:13

Sorry,2:1 I believe.

Monkeytrousers · 26/01/2007 17:43

Haha yes! (and it was a 2:1)

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