Dad's Opinions Please

[Lonelymummy14]

Good Morning All,

I would love some advice.

My ex partner left us in March, we tried making another go of it but it seems he always messes up and feels he isn't good enough for me/daughter. He hasn't had a great upbringing and never had to deal with any problems/conflict in life so he runs.

Anyway we are trying to arrange access so he can see our daughter as much as possible. I won't allow him to have her overnight or where he lives due to the enviroment. I don't trust the people he lives with. I have said he is more than welcome to have her at mine and I will go out, he can take her out for food, park, soft play etc. She is 18 months.

We met last night, we decided to talk every sunday regarding when to see her the following week depending on his work that week and my plans. He said he wants to see her as much as possible, i said every day is too much as we still love one another and are both equally struggling. So after this talk he then had our daughter until 6.30 (about 2 hours) whilst I popped out (I had to make plans purposely because I don't want to see him really). Anyway we then agreed he will see her tomorrow for few hours too. So off he goes.....then by 9pm I get a text from him asking how she is? Now I know he misses her but he has just left her and is seeing her tomorrow. How will we ever move on from one another if we end up talking all day and night? :-( I don't want to be harsh and tell him he can't msg me but it just upsets me so much. It kills me saying bye to him and watching our daughter. I know it kills him too but this is 90% his choice to walk away.

Any advice would be greatful xxx

[Ginocchio]

It's obviously a difficult situation, but put yourself in his position: if he had your DD all the time, said that he wasn't happy with you having her overnight, or seeing her every day - and then said to you that he didn't want you asking about her all the time; how would that make you feel? I'm not saying that what you've suggested is unreasonable, just that considering his perspective might help to resolve it.

It sounds like you'd probably benefit from going to mediation to sort it out - you're still talking, which is good, but it helps to have a third party to help you work out some arrangements that are in the best interests of your DD.

One other thing; you've said that you'll make arrangements on a weekly basis. I'd recommend working out arrangements that are more stable - obviously you'll need to revisit them over time as your DD gets older & her needs change - but it'll be far easier for both of you if you know where you stand from week to week. Also, it makes it much easier for your DD when she's older that mondays = dad's house, tuesday = mum's etc; it gives her a routine, which is really important to her feeling secure & not feeling like she's being passed from house to house.