Bonding

[shadack]

Hi firstly i want to apologize if i shouldn't be posting here but i wanted the advice from men rather than women
My DP admitted last night that he is scared of our 9wo DD and hasn't bonded with her
He isn't one for other peoples kids and the first time he held a baby was our DD even though he was the one who pushed for trying for her.
Since she was born he has changed her 2/3 times and fed her about the same, held her maybe once a week if i push for it and never just played with her
What can i do to help him? or is it just a case of time

[Keepithidden]

Hmm, I felt the same way about our first born. I really struggled with bonding with him, took about 6 months if the truth be told. One of the worst expereinces of my life, I remember thinking, "What the hell have I done? I've got a lifetime of feeling 'Meh' about my own son". There's a lot of pressure to feel that epiphany moment when you first hold your offspring, but in my experience it took a few months before that moment arrived.

Having said that, in retrospect I should've pushed myself a lot more out of my comfort zone, which is what I would suggest with your DP. Make him change a few more nappies, hold her more, feed her (if you bottle or express BF), play with her. I did help out DW a lot more than your DP seems to, so maybe you need to get him to step up a bit? The question I suppose is how do you do that.

Would you be comfortable leaving him and her alone for a bit, just the two of them? When someones watching it always feels a bit weird to me because I expect them to pick up on any mistakes or discomfort I feel. I appreciate she's still very young, but it could be an option?

Alternnatively, it could just be time. It's still very early days.

[shadack]

Thanks Keep

Im glad its not an uncommon thing and to be truthful i felt the same as him till she started to smile at me but where I'm with her all day every day that has helped i suppose

Shes mixed fed due to medical issues on my part so i may press him to do more of the evening feeds and bath times
Also I'm due in for surgery soon but she was going to the PIL's for the night as he doesn't think he can cope maybe ill try to get Sil to be "on call" and get him to keep her at home instead
The only problem with getting him to do more is that he works very long hours in the summer and days off are rarer than rainbow unicorns so i feel guilty making him give up his free time but its what you do when you have kids

Hopefully time will help as you said, he has the winter off paid so fingers crossed when shes at a more fun age and hes forced to spend the time with her it may help things along

[Keepithidden]

Getting SIL to be on call sounds a great idea, it will allow DP to take care of DD without help, but with a safety net of sorts.

Work commitments sounds difficult, but a few months time things sound like they'll calm down. He is a parent though so does need to start acting a bit like one, even if he finds it difficult! I can empathise tho'...

[BeCool]

I would recommend putting him in charged of bath time. My (now X) P was very unsure of anything to do with our DD when she was born. he wouldn't even push her in the stroller until I showed him how to do it.

I showed him how to bath her,, dry her and dress her etc and then after a couple of nights left them to it.

This really really worked - not only is is an intimate caring responsibility, it gives them some lovely skin on skin contact, which comes much easier to Mums.

Bath time then became their thing! And they ended up being very close. Really worked for us and I have read other MN'er have had similar success with this.

[thegambler]

Woah there becool, bath time was probably the biggest test for me. Start with him just having time on his own with her, which will include feeding and nappy changing, then a trip out on his own with her, then the bath.

I often wonder how effective bonding is when one parent is possibly at work for most of a childs waking hours. Even as the child grows the bonding process is ongoing and if one parent is working office hours Monday-Friday they may only see the child awake for an hour or two for 5 days of the week.

[Papa1977]

I felt quite similar. I think the idea of instant bonding at birth is perhaps a bit of a myth in many cases. It took me (and my wife) a little while to fully bond, all this time we were each secretly wondering if we were dreadful parents, but then speaking to other parents once you really know them, it's more common than hollywood/gushy friends lead you to believe. Initially with all the work and tiredness it can seem more of a duty at times, but after a few weeks it all comes good, don't worry. For guys as well I think once we get some interaction from the baby (smiles/eye contact etc) it really speeds up. Also try to make sure as he starts doing more tasks there is not someone looking over his shoulder and criticising - they always mean well but sometimes it makes you feel that it's better to leave these things to other people, when in fact you can do fine as a dad. It will all turn out fine as long as he gets more involved, not less. Don't worry!

[FurryGiraffe]

I'm not a man but my DH felt that carrying DS in a sling when he was tiny really helped him to bond. He used to pop him in the sling while he walked to the shop for milk or carry him round the house while he did chores. They also used to water the garden together every evening when DH got home from work.

[BeCool]

thegambler. Just as well the baby's mother isn't saying woah there isn't it! Mothers don't come with a secret manual of how to look after babies you know!

[Keepithidden]

www.haynes.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/BookFeature_BabyManualView?new=Y&storeId=10001&catalogId=10001

[thegambler]

becool. It was exactly the same for my wife at bath times to the point where we'd do it together for the first couple of months.

[shadack]

Furry unfortunately DH would never use a sling he's just not that sort of person also for us it's a danger issue for DD as if we are in the garden then it's bending over ferrets risking biting or our two big dogs one of which can't be trusted to keep his feet on the floor if the neighbours excite him
His folks are critical of how he acts with her around them which I do counter as I don't like it but Iv only ever told him off once when she was 3 days old and he made her first formula bottle with un boiled water :( I did apologise after sleep
keep I got that for him but unfortunately I miscarried that one and I think it got passed on as we can't find it anymore
When I originally posted this me and DP had argued the night before and I called him out about a few home truths his spending and DD, I think it made him realise as he had to admit he was scared that his baby didn't really know him and this morning as we were rushing him out to work he played with her in the bouncer for 5 mins and even lent into the car to kiss her goodbye which he has NEVER done before so progress is being made in baby steps

[FurryGiraffe]

Progress is good! Shame about the sling but there are other ways. It sounds as if he's rather nervous of her and/or afraid of doing things wrong if he's got very critical DPs. This is understandable and natural but the only way to gain confidence and build a bond is to spend time with her. As becool says, mothers don't get a manual- you learn by doing! So you need to push I think. For DH and DD's sakes, but also for your own- you need some time off from being in charge occasionally!

I'm slightly concerned though that you felt the need to apologise for the formula thing though. I get that you don't want to criticise him and that's great (and I admire your patience ) but making up bottles incorrectly isn't in the same league as forgetting to pull out the frills on a nappy or putting on a vest back to front. Making up a bottle without boiled water is a risk to her and stomach bugs in very young babies can be dangerous. You shouldn't need to tip toe round his ego when it comes to your child's health.

[Keepithidden]

Well done Shadack, sounds like things are going well.

To be fair, babies are scary, they don't react how you expect them to, they look so fragile and breakable (although in my experience this has proven to be completely wrong!) and you can't get an insurance policy to cover breakages! It was a whole new world for me that I was completely unprepared for. The Antenatal classes I went to didn't really seem real (or dare I say it, applicable) to fathers or child carers who weren't actually pregnant.

I suppose it's always a fine line between giving a little leeway and ensuring responsibility is shared. It is difficult so don't beat yourself (or DH for that matter) up about making mistakes.

[shadack]

Furry The reason i apologized was because my reaction was way over the top at the time, a middle of the night feed on our first night home with a screaming baby who neither of us could settle
He made it up but did check with me first and i exploded, i do have a temper but that was over the top even for me
Well we had a bit more interaction last night playing with her new toys he did get distracted as we had a BBQ and people round but he never does this stuff in front of people :)
Keep why beat him up when you can chuck a ferret down his trousers instead
thankfully she was a big ish baby not one of the fragile looking ones and shes still big for her age so that helps, we never bothered with the class's as others said they were rubbish in our area