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6 replies

GoodMorningCaptain · 06/06/2014 12:06

Apologies in advance, this is rather angsty:

To cut a long story short, I am in an unhappy marriage. Neither of us feel fulfilled, or like we are getting what we need. I cannot speak for my wife, but I really do not feel in love at all. Were it not for the children (whom I love dearly) I would leave - I want to be part of bringing them up and to be there for them, furthermore I want to be a good example to them both, and do not want to do anything that would unbalance their mother (while I am not in love, I care about her enough that I can't bring myself to hurt her - she has a history of fairly sever depression, and due to where we have moved, and the nature of her family realtionships, I am all the support she really has).

Were it as simple as a listless relationship, I think I would muddle through, BUT my own mind is being severly tested as I have strong feelings for another person. I have not discussed this with anyone, and after a number of years of hoping my mind would balance itself I am now begining to feel a deep despair.

The person I am interested in is also involved, and has children of their own, though have there own problems on that front. I know that morally, I cannot really do anything right by this, and am utterly stummped as to what the best way to proceed with my life is.

My temptation is to confront the person I have fallen for, in the hope that they can let me down gently, and I can move on without the irrational hope I carry. This though seems unfair as it is putting them in a predicament not of their making - I could not honestly say they have done anything overt to encourage me. Therefore, I am doing nothing as the last thing I would wish to do would be to hurt her, and I certainly do not want to screw up the lives of all our children.

I have tried many things. I have taken up more regular excercise, writing my feelings down, and even got on prescription from my GP. This just feels like papering over the cracks - it is dealing with symptoms and not causes. I have tried to reanimate the marriage, but that really feels like a lost cause.

If anyone has any advice or expereince like this, I would be eternally grateful. I really can't see a way forward without causing some deep unhapiness in someone. Feel free to tell me how immature or daft I am being.

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Redoubtable · 06/06/2014 12:57

OK. For a start, you seem to have a certain level of insight and I doubt that you are being immature or daft.

It seems from what you've said that there are 2 seperate things going on here....your unhappiness with your own marriage and your fantasy re the other person.

To start with, I think you know that involving the other lady, or her family is a no-no. Don't go there. Remove yourself from her company, stop yourself thinking about her, deflect her from your thoughts when she comes into them.
Even if there is a potential, future, viable relationship there, it will only work if you have done the work on yourself of extricating yourself from your marriage in a respectful and mature way. So put that on the shelf and leave it.
There may or may not also be an element of projecting an ideal relationship as a form of escape from where you are.


re your marriage: first, most obvious and most difficult to do- have you had a sincere, open discussion with your wife? As you are thinking of leaving her, it is only fair that she is part of the process. DO NOT abandon her, not only for her sake, but also for your DC and your own ability to look at yourself in the future.
It is a cliche, but have you been to Relate, to work on the issues that you have?

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GoodMorningCaptain · 06/06/2014 16:21

Thank you for the reponse.

Not had a calm discussion. It tends to be a thing that comes up in arguements, then brushed under the rug. I don't have the courage to say the exact words, though I have suggested Relate. I need to take it to the next step, or clearly I will be condeming myself and her to an unhappy stasis. Certainly want to things in a respectful way - whatever the outcome it needs to be amicable.

You are quite right, that the two issues are seperate or at least need to be dealt with in isolation. As for projection, that is the trouble - who can you tell? I don't allow myself to fantasie what any new realtionship would be like anyhow, but clearly (as with any 'crush') there would certainly be an aspect of only looking at the positives. I wish I could find an effective way of controling my thoughts and focus on other matters.

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Redoubtable · 06/06/2014 17:36

Controlling your thoughts is a choice you make...you set up the environment to eliminate triggers e.g. if you're going on a diet, you don't fill the cupboards with chocolate and crisps and watch cookery programmes.
Saying "I wish I could find an effective way of controling my thoughts and focus on other matters" is a bit of a wet blanket really...you choose. Don't think about her, find something else to focus on, leave the school boy crushes to school boys.

And you have a big, BIG issue to focus on...your DW and DC.

I'm rarely strict on here...there's too little to go on.

But you sound as if you are pretending to yourself that you are being swept powerlessly along by forces beyond you (the OW, your DW's depression).
Grow a spine.

You are not responsible for what your DW hears, but you ARE responsible for how clearly you lay out how you feel, and how you act on what you hear back from her.

A great maxim to keep in mind is this "in order to be understood, we must first listen".

Sooo...what do you want? In 10 years time, do you want this to be the year that your marriage turned around, you both put in the work and it was so worth it, because you became closer than ever? Or in 10 years time, will you be glad that you got out, you/DW/DC are happier since? Or in 10 years time, will you all have twirled into misery?

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Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 06/06/2014 17:44

If it was a female friend I would say :- if you do not want to be in the marriage . Don't . BUT you must be 100% sure that you know you have done everything in your power to try and get back on track.

Regarding thinking about approaching this other married woman makes me think you are an entitled arse. Why do you think you deserve to have her, to break up her family?

I would do your wife a favour and leave.

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wafflyversatile · 06/06/2014 17:54

If you are unhappy in your marriage then you need to address that. If you need to end the relationship then you need to do that regardless of whether there is someone waiting in the wings or not. Your attraction to the other woman is a distraction from your real life, real problems just now.

How old are your children?

How did she take your suggestion of going to Relate?

Does your DW think your marriage is ok?

What residency arrangement do you think would be best for your children if you split up?

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wafflyversatile · 06/06/2014 17:55

You say 'if it was just lacklustre'. How would you describe your relationship day to day?

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