He prefers porn to sex with me because I am too boring

(26 Posts)
higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 09:41:12

Hello, I'm not sure if I am breaking any MN etiquette rules by posting on Dadsnet with this, but I desperately need to hear some male perspectives.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have young DC. Our sex life was good in the beginning though not as passionate/frequent/wild as I would have liked. I never said anything to my partner because everything else was so perfect and we were so happy. The sex was definitely wonderful enough it was just that there was never a crazy, can't get enough of each other phase at the start. It was as though we went straight to 'relationship' sex if that makes sense.

My partner is a cannabis addict and I've always known this. He finally gave up recently. He has given up for months at a time in the past on my insistence.

A few days ago I discovered a porn website on his laptop and confronted him. He eventually stopped lying about it and admitted he uses porn to masturbate 4-5 nights a week. I am floored by this. I had no idea. He is a great guy, not sleazy or weird. He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Our sex life dwindled after our first DC was born. He stopped making an effort with sex, he kind of did the 'wham beam thank you ma'am' thing a couple of times. In other words, there was no foreplay and he was disconnected from me. He also stopped making an effort in any area of our relationship - thoughtless birthday presents bought at the last minute, never taking me out or on a date, there was no romance.

We went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it.

We talked last night and he is going to seek counselling. He says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable. Over the years there have been many times I have cried, screamed and begged him for an explanation as to why he doesn't want sex but even then he couldn't do it, he preferred to masturbate to porn.

I need some male perspectives on the lack of sex. Obviously the porn and cannabis have contributed, but it goes deeper than that. In every area of our lives I am the driving force. If I don't do something, it does not get done. It seems he wants the same in our sex life. As a woman, and for me to feel like a woman, I need something from him in this area. I need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex.

H said something which I am having real problems understanding. He said his ex girlfriends have always initiated new positions, oral sex, trying something new or 'dirty'. They would say to him 'lie there and let me do thing to you'. I haven't ever done that for him.

It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when the man initiates new things in bed. That's not to say I just want to lie there - of course I am intuit and respond and reciprocate, but I just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else I have to wear the trousers.

Or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is? Based on porn. I feel really sad. Any perspectives on this will be much appreciated.

Christabel3

Quote from the OP:

"He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him. "

I suppose it is possible that he is something like a restaurant critic, but the reality is that he probably has a demanding job with significant remuneration of which the OP gets the benefit (and presumably provides her with the trousers she says she wears).

Oh, and he gave up the cannabis, so that's a red herring.

What's also a red herring is concentrating on the porn use. This is blatantly a case of a couple's sex drive going off the boil, with the result that porn use has crept in. While I agree that using porn isn't helpful, fixating upon it is not going to result in helpful advice.

Oh, and good luck with keeping your son off the Internet.

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