A scene between a couple

[GreatForest]

Would anyone be willing to read this small piece for me please? it finished rather abrubtly as it's not finished. I just want to know if it's interesting enough to make you want to read anymore.

Thanks

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I sit beside Richard on the sofa. A small gap between us which grows larger as the months pass. His eyes are glued to the TV, the weekly showing of Midsomer Murders demanding his complete attention; the kind of attention I never seem to get from him anymore. I take a sip of my coffee, cheap supermarket?s own brand coffee as he doesn?t like to spend money unnecessarily, and I inhale deeply. At this point, I kind of expect a reaction from him, a simple ?what?s the matter?? or ?are you ok?? for instance. I get nothing. A quip from a character on the TV raises a smile though and he chuckles quietly to himself. I feel invisible.

You could be forgiven for thinking this is the aftermath of a huge row. The calm after the storm or two people giving each other the silent treatment after crossed words. But no, this is just us. This is a regular Saturday night in our house. The kids are in bed, the TV is on and we are on the sofa. He watches the TV and I simply gaze in its general direction and daydream. Beaches in Thailand, skyscrapers of New York, mountains of Austria and the flooded streets of Venice. Wherever my mind takes me on these boring nights in front of the TV, I know it?s far away from here.

?I?m joining the gym? I say suddenly. Richard grunts in response.
?What do you think?? I ask, determined to provoke some kind of conversation.
?What?? Richard said.
?What do you think??
?About what??
?About me joining the gym!? I reply, patience running thin.
?Oh, are you joining a gym??

Ok, I give up. I stand and take my coffee mug into the kitchen. The cat follows me and begins begging for food. Clever cat seems to recognise my loss of patience. She knows at these times I will feed her quickly to prevent her bugging me for too long. I take a small tin of cat food from the cupboard, open the lid and plonk the meaty block onto a plate. I place it on the floor and the cat eyes it cautiously.

?Yes, as I said, I?m joining the gym? I said as I walk back into the living room.
?Oh, and how are you going to pay for that?? Richard asks, without diverting his eyes from the TV.
?Money I assume ? although I?d consider paying in kind if the manager is good looking enough.?
Finally, Richard raises his eyes from the TV. I barely suppress a smile at my success.
?I wish you wouldn?t talk like that, it?s not clever, it just makes you sound ? cheap? Richard hisses.
I don?t bother to suppress the smile.
?Sometimes it?s the only way to make you listen to me? I reason.

I consider going up to bed, but that would leave the conversation unfinished and Richard would then have the excuse that I never discussed the gym idea with him. Instead, I return to his side on the sofa.
?Well of course I?ll pay with money, how else would I pay??
?Whose money??
This is what irritates Richard the most. He can?t control me with money like he did his ex-wife. I have my own income, my own bank account and my own savings. He hates it.
?Well, we?re supposed to be saving to go on holiday.? he snaps.
?Yes, you?re right ? so tell me Richard, how much have you saved so far??

He goes quiet and pretends to concentrate on the TV again.
?Because, if I remember correctly, not only did I pay the £800 deposit on OUR holiday, I?ve also bought £1000 worth of currency for us to spend whilst over there and I paid for your bloody passport! So tell me, how much have YOU saved Richard??
?I?m going to bed.?
Damn. How I hate half finished arguments. I resist the urge to shout obscenities up the stairs as he storms up to bed making more noise than necessary. Out the corner of my eye I notice the cat creeping back into the living room, licking her lips and looking rather plump around the waistline.

[diedandgonetodevon]

Well it makes me want to read more

[GreatForest]

Thank you do you think the cat is an unneccassary character? I put her in there to add a "real family home" element to it but I'm not sure if it's needed?

[jamaisjedors]

Cat is fine.

I would read more.

Will the DH have any saving graces to explain why the narrator is with him in the first place/puts up with him now?

[GreatForest]

no because she will soon find interest in someone else.

I will put in a brief history of how they got together and what she liked about him in the beginning. The idea is that once they settled, they both became very different people and whilst he's happy to plod along with everything, she wants more.

[diedandgonetodevon]

The cat is fine. It does make more of a 'home' IMO.

[jamaisjedors]

But if you don't want to make it too simplistic, I wouldn't make the current DP/DH "all" bad if I were you.

Otherwise there's no suspense, it's cut and dried/a done deal iyswim?

[deepdarkwood]

I liked the cat - but didn't like either him or her, I'm afraid - she seemed horribly petty and pompous. Any chance of injecting something to make me like one of them (assuming the sympathy is meant to be with the woman)

[GreatForest]

Yes I agree, I do want to make the reader feel some sympathy for him when it all kicks off. I'm trying to create a character that, although a little selfish and self-absorbed, genuinly doesn't realise that things are as bad as they are.

He will have his good points, this is just a particulary bad night for them. It will be a bit of a rollercoaster relationship, both in denial for a while (especially on a good day) until she decides she's had enough and the bloke will be left wondering where the hell it all went wrong iyswim?

[GreatForest]

Sorry deepdarkwood, posted before I saw your reply.

I guess at this stage, both are as bad as each other. It's going to a difficult one because neither character are that likeable at first. She's very full of herself, whinges alot and provokes him for the sake of it and he's self absorbed, ignorent and selfish.

I guess it will be hard for a reader that doesn't like either character...