Very short, but is this crap or good? Be honest.

[BEAUTlFUL]

[Background: New couple are about to shag for first time...]

As the music fills the room, I place a furtive hand on Olly?s back, over the thick blue jumper, and run it up and down. I desperately try to remember some pressure points that lead directly to his penis that I can reach from here. Small of the back? Are there some nerves there? Something sensual? Or am I confusing it with the article I read yesterday on sciatica?

Olly raises his head and murmurs encouragingly. Ooh, here we go. I press harder, pushing my fingertips either side of the base of his spine. Now I look like a talented masseur, someone who knows his body better than he does himself. I dig in deeper, Olly hastily shifts position, turning round to face me. Shit. He obviously hated that and is moving away before I snap a vertebrae.

But there?s his face. That dear, familiar, beautiful face. The face I?ve longed to kiss for so long. That sexy aquiline nose. Those sleepy eyes. Those, hmm, those really, really sleepy eyes. I need some big move to wake this encounter up, something he?ll boast about tomorrow when he goes to work. Something that will make him limp around the office on crutches, wincing whenever someone offers him a chair. Or better, something so powerful that he?ll call in sick tomorrow. Perfect! They saw us leaving together; if he fails to show up the next day, my reputation as a sexpert will be sealed forever.

Men will be queuing up to shag me, I?ll be like a sexual Lourdes. Maybe they won?t even demand full sex ? ?Just let me feel your titties, darling,? they?ll say, hand extended like a beggar. ?My willy hasn?t worked for 10 years but one touch from you will cure it.? And I?ll bestow favours beatifically ? ?Here, you can have the left one. You over there, you get the right.? I?ll save the full sex for the really sick.

[yogabird]

I didn't like it - sorry

[purplemunkey]

In what context? What would this be for?

I foufnd it a bit cringey to be honest.

[ClaphamOmnibus]

It is well written but cringey. I wouldn't want to read it for its own sake, but if it was in the right context and would help to build a picture of the character, it could work ok.

[mrsruffallo]

Oh dear. Sorry.
Pressure points that lead directly to the
penis?

[TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino]

I liked it, very well written but I would completely take out the last paragraph

go in a different direction or go back to the matter in hand I would say

[MarshaBrady]

Umm no not doing it for me at all, shudder. sorry.

[TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino]

I think everyoe is being a little harsh
I must say I really do like it but without the last paragraph

[newgirl]

'as the music fills the room' lets down the first para

id lose the last para

i would have prefered more on what actually then happened - his real response?

[ClaphamOmnibus]

It is well put together, but there is a big question: Are we supposed to enjoy it in its own right, as an account of a sexual encounter, or is its value to help build a picture of a rather calculated and exploitative person?

If the former, I dislike it: writing about sex is almost bound to be cringey. If the latter, it could be fine (though perhaps Trinity is right that the last para is too much).

[TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino]

I see it as a funny chilck lit book and the last para lets it done is all
but the rest is great funny easy reading

[Lizzylou]

Agree with Trinity that the last paragraph lets it down (but don't know context/character).
I do like it though (and will be looking for pressure points leading directly to the penis later ).

[BEAUTlFUL]

Thank you all so much! It wasn't anything "proper" -- just a sort of writing exercise... I'm trying to move into creative writing but I keep falling into the hole of writing endless "thoughts" instead of actually moving a story along, and telling instead of showing.

I knew it wasnt good!

[foreveroptimistic]

I like the last paragraph, it made me laugh!

You are very brave to ask for opinions on something so personal on Mumsnet of all places. I have had my posts pulled apart from pedants when I haven't even asked for their opinions so I take my hat off to you!

[Plonketyplonk]

Sex scenes are notoriously difficult to write. Lit review on how difficult. Please note that this is not personal, but for your entertainment!

[Biscuits4Cheese]

I like it, just a couple of thoughts though, i think you need to prune out unnecessary words. Take each line and sentence and condense where possible. Also too many "olly's" - swap some for "he". And i think there is a really good comedic element in there but it's not holding up well against the general tone, maybe it needs to be bolder?
But i really like what you're trying to do.

[loopylou2]

I think when it's read as a separate chunk of story like that, it paints a picture of a very (and I mean VERY) insecure, needy woman who gets her self-esteem from giving her body to others- maybe some sort of sex addict or a woman who can't bear to be alone?

I have to agree with a few other people though- the genres are getting mixed. the first few paragraphs are quite cool, quite chick-lit, and the last one descends into a way-out-there erotic novel style, probably only the sort of thing that women who actually HAD those thoughts would really enjoy reading.

Maybe the whole thing could be made slightly more vague, or softened up a little? The more imaginitive space you leave for your reader to fill, the more people are likely to enjoy reading it.

Good luck!!