TTC Number 4 - timing issues and a bit of a moan

[roquefortlover]

Bit of background - have 3 dc already, 2 at school and one aged 3. Back in Feb I got pg accidentally and despite having always agreed we did not want a 4th dc I and DH were v excited. Sadly this pg ended in a chemical preg at 5 weeks. I was devastated and dh was upset too but more on my behalf iyswim.

Anyway we decided to actively ttc and got pg again in May, this ended in an MC with bleeding at 5 weeks, a series of scans and finally a natural mc at 9 wks (although foetus was 5 wks) . I found the delay and uncertainty very upsetting and dh also v upset esp. as he was very busy at work and so unable to come to any scans etc.

So, I am now awaiting 1st AF post MC. My head says maybe the 2 MCs are telling me 3 is enough but my heart says I want no. 4! DH is getting less and less keen on ttc no.4 as he found the MCs hard and is basically happy with our situation as is (so am I but also feel 4 would be good!).

And looking at possible due dates ahead (how sad am I...) all bar a couple of months clash with 2 family events abroad next year which the dcs will not want to miss and one of which we can't miss.

This is all very long and rambly, not sure what i am trying to say really but just wanted to write it all down. Noone except me and DH knows about MCs or ttc so I can't really talk in RL. Plus I sometimes feel a fraud on this board too as I already have 3 dc and some are struggling to have one...I must seem very self indulgent. But am also feeling a bit sad...

Any wise words of advice anyone?

[roquefortlover]

I suspect my ramblings have put everyone off replying!

[NorthernLurker]

so you want to ttc - but dh is a bit hesitant and anyway you are thinking well next year is getting very busy already? So are you thinking that you should stop ttc and that makes you sad? Or are you wondering about postponing it?

[shubiedoo]

How old are you? Do you feel under pressure to have another before time runs out?

[roquefortlover]

See, I knew I wasn't being clear about this! I think it's because I feel confused myself.

Shubie, yes my age is against me - I'll be 41 in 2 weeks - and also the age gap would just be too big if we leave it any longer.

NL, you are right that DH is hesitant - I think he would be OK with TTC if he thought it would be straightforward but the mcs have made him feel it isn't and is messing up existing family life, which I agree with to some extent. And also I know he doesn't want us to carry on trying for ages for the same reason. He is happy to have another dc if that is what I want and I know he would love the new baby - he is a fab dad - but equally if it were up to him we would stop. The busy next year bit is an extra problem which I suspect willl make him feel that TTC makes even less sense!

[NorthernLurker]

Right - well yes it is confusing! FWIW I don't think that age gap is not so much of a problem imo - I have 9 years between my eldest and youngest with one in between - but your age is a factor and what you are obviosuly already thinking is that you could be ttc for a long time and in that time you aren't mother of three, you're mother of three trying for a fourth and that makes things harder - potentially for all of you. Ttc is hard going - physically and emotionally. I think you need to talk to dh - can you imagine your life without a fourth? Because if you can't - then you have tp go for it and if it doesn't work out then you can at least know that you gave it a good shot. But if you can imagine your family as the five of you for evermore - then I think maybe you need to grieve a bit for this dream and move on to your future.

[roquefortlover]

NL, that is it exactly! Thanks for such perceptive comments - it has really helped me start to get things clear in my mind. I know whatever we decide bottom line is that we are very lucky with what we have so that is a good place to begin. Thanks again!

[NorthernLurker]

• glad to be of use. Good Luck come what may.