is it ever OK to get pg behind your partner´s back? at my wits end...

[Figfingers]

OK

DP and I are both 35, together for 2 years. I want a baby, he says we need to be more financially secure. We do have good savings but due to DP´s job we have moved to another country (been here almost a year)and Could be here for another 2 years. After that he´s considering another move. We still haven´t got a house because we still don´t know where we want to settle...

I still haven´t done anything, just stopped taking pill, but now horrified my period won´t start for months which he will definitely notice...

Any advice most welcome.

Figgy

[nappyaddict]

Am confused - does he know you've stopped taking the pill? Do you currently have periods on your pill?

[MegBusset]

Is it OK to deceive your partner into a baby they don't want? No, I can't say it is.

However, I understand how you feel. You need to talk to your DP and let him know how you're feeling, and make a plan. Financial security is a bit of a red herring imo as even the most well-paid person can lose their job at any time.

[CoteDAzur]

There is no right time to have a baby, and you don't have forever (unfortunately).

Do you both want only 1 child? If you want two kids, I think that argument is hard to counter: "Honey, we have less than 5 years left to make 2 kids, and that assuming we will still be fertile in late 30s".

I think you will be fine, by the way, but nothing wrong with putting a bit of fear in a reluctant man

[beansprout]

My brother's dp did this, she is pregnant with twins and they are now living separately (long story). It's a horrible mess and everyone is unhappy.

IMVHO you just can't take a step like this on your own. It has to be his choice too. If you are worried about him noticing you are not having periods, how are you going to tell him you are pregnant?!!

[CoteDAzur]

Why would periods not 'start' for months, by the way?

Periods continue when you stop taking the pill, albeit not always with the same 28-day cycle.

[davidtennantsmistress]

it's never Ok - even if you're married, it's entrapment, and in my book out of order.

you need to talk to your partner and discuss things with him, and tell him completely how you feel. work out if you can afford a baby. but I agree there's never a good time to have one, something always comes up - is it possible there's another reason putting him off?

[Cosmogirl]

No. You should sit down and have a serious talk about the fact that you want to try for a baby. If you trap him into having a child he doesn't want, you could end up losing your relationship.

[gothicmama]

talk to him, ask him to use condoms then when you are both ready the pill will be out of your system - also if he chooses not to use condoms it is his choice that you may become pregnant

[lulumama]

no it is not ok

he will know if you suddenly have a 'contraception failure' that you have duped him

it is too big an issue to deceive him about, and ultimately, teh baby could suffer and that is not right or fair.

you need a calm, rational discussion, fertility in women does really decline in your 30s, he needs to understand that the decision to have children might be taken out of your hands if you wait much longer, or might mean fertility investigations and treatments, many of which need a lot of time and money.

being in one place for at least 2 years is settled enough IMO to have a baby. and moving before your child starts school is ok to IMO

agree that financial security is a red herring, anyone could lose their job or abiluty to work at anytime.

if people waited until they could afford children, 99 % of parents would not have their families

[eleveld]

I totally feel for you and understand your desire to have a baby.

But in my opinion it is absolutely, definitely NOT Ok to have a baby behind his back.

In my view relationships are meant to be based on trust, not deceit. I couldn't in a million years contemplate what you are thinking of.

But, as I said, these are just my opinions and yours may be very different but equally as important

[Figfingers]

Thanks for your replies.. I am not a mean scheming person or anything. We have discussed this at lenght and he re assures me wants kids but at 35 it´s not really as if I can just keep putting it off. What worries me is that there´s no time frame for starting a family and as you all know too well it could take a while to get pg.

For my DP there´s always another great job in a far flung destination, an exciting opportunity, believe there´s always something that´s more pressing.. which makes me feel a bit down..

He does not know I have stopped taking the pill. Apologies if I sound like a complete twit, I do get my period on the pill, but thought if I stopped this would affect my periods somehow.

If this makes any sense yy intention was to stop taking the pill, use a different type of contraception and start getting by body ready for TTC, with my DPs consent, obviously.

Thanks for your views, anyway.

Figgy

[eleveld]

you're welcome. good luck and I hope you can talk him round

[nappyaddict]

so are you going to be using condoms? will dp not wonder why the sudden change of contraception?

[justageek]

no but it is okay to tell him that you want to ttc now and not take no for an answer. He has said he wants kids, fertility decreases for both you and him just now, the risk of downs etc increases, i think he needs to wake up and realise that this could be something that takes time and if he is not careful one day it will be too late. You need to spell it out to him how important it is to you and even admit that you were considering just going for it without telling him, perhaps that will be enough to get him to sort himself out for you ;)

[DarrellRivers]

I would put the ball into his court.
Explain you don't want to continue the pill, and that if he really thinks the time is not right , then the onus is on him to use condoms.
Hopefully, he won't be as exacting as he could be using condoms....
I think you need to spell out to him how important this it to you to have children, and that as a woman your fertility window is not endless, and he needs to respect your desire for a child, as much as you respect his need to find exciting moves.
And that your desire really should happen soon in the next 5 years, whereas his desire will last all your lives together
I think also you are not persuading him to have a child when he really doesn't want one, he does want one, just not yet, like most men.
And they think you can, really like hollywood celebs, have babies into your 40s without problems

[Figfingers]

Apologies for my dreadful typos!!!

Thanks GothicMama, that was my plan (sort of).

When we do talk about it, he is reasonable but there´s never a mention of WHEN.

I don´t think I could just go ahead and get PG, sorry, I could have explained myself better.

At times I do feel like that would be the only way.. which admitedly is not ideal.

F.

[lou031205]

I think that you have been given sound advice. I desperately wanted a third child, and my DH was adamant that we had a complete family. But, after he didn't use a condom one evening last month, we thought I might be pregnant (I had sickness and other symptoms, which I now think was just hormonal shifting), and the subject came up again.

After this 'scare' for him, he realised that he doesn't feel complete, and we are TTC. BUT I couldn't do it behind his back. No matter how much I wanted another.

[DawnAS]

Hey FigFingers,

I think you need to talk to him and find out what he REALLY wants. It's all very well for him to look at "exciting new roles and opportunities" but what about you? Does he ask you what you want?

From someone on the outside, it looks like he's being slightly selfish and just expects you to tag along for these adventures, without compromise.

I don't know him and so I could have got him completely wrong as I can only go by what you're saying and I think I'm probably reading between the lines and I'm likely to be wrong. But I just feel for you in your situation. I'm 34 and only got married 3 months ago, nothing to do with a career, just didn't meet the right guy. So we're only starting to try now and I'm already paranoid that there may be something wrong. I think that's natural once you reach our age.

I guess that's the question that you need to ask yourself, is he definitely the right guy to have children with?

That may sound harsh but feel that I should ask.

Also, you may want to point out the news story in the UK yesterday where it said that they've got new scientific evidence that a man's fertility is also reduced from the age of 35.... might give him a kick up the backside...

Hope it all works out for you

xxx

[DarrellRivers]

lou we are in a very similar position
it is amazing how situations which you think will never turn, sometimes do, so fingers crossed fig

[gothicmama]

hope it works out for you,figgy,

[Figfingers]

Bit of an emotional wreck at the mo.

Darrell your post almost made me cry ( I am a wuss).

You are very right about the realities of conception for average folk like us, I am no Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, etc with millions to blow on fertility tratments.

As I said I would be really concerned if he didn´t want them, but he says he does so to me the next step is to set a time frame.

Think an honest conversation is in order. We do need to talk about when, how, contraception options, etc.

Thanks again.

F

[lulumama]

your DP might feel that having a baby might stop him moving and doing his job.. people do move and relocate with children, it can be harder and more wearing, but people do do it! having a baby does not put a full stop to your life., it might make it more challenging , but it also adds a lot too.

he is always going to be looking for the next thing to move to, but fertility is not infinite and the issue needs looking at now.

good luck!

[Figfingers]

Thanks Dawn´, Gothic,

Funny enough I have just read that article about men´s fertility on the Guardian... and there they were thinking they would be having kids at 60..ha,ha.

He is lovely and I cant think of a better man to be the father of my kids ( btw I am divorced, so V. happy I found such a lovely man).

Truth is I do enjoy the travelling,and being in a different place and all that. Don´t hink I could ever just tag along but understand it might give you ladies that impression...

Thank you wise MNetters.

The Fig

[FlirtyThirty]

Dear Fig,

You sound like me!

I'm 30, DH is 42 and I've been DESPERATE for children for ages. We had always agreed to have children 'some time' but I could never see that time reaching the top of his busy schedule. I bacame really worried about and not telling him how I felt really as I didn't want to pressure him (stupid as he is a great listener and very pro good communication!). Anyway, I had finally decided that last weekend I was going to explain exactly how I felt. I bottled out despite several good, relaxed, loving moments when I could have said something. And then...just as I was giving up hope...he asked me when we should have children!? I would have passed out if I hadn't been lying down! I honestly NEVER expected this day to come...but it did and I have no idea what triggered the question in his head.

That said, I think I should have been strong enough to address it and I think you should too. This is not something you want to life to regret because you didn't pipe up and tell him how things are for you...there are sadly not really second changes for this and the wondow is narrow for us all in the grand scheme of things.

Oh, and as for the travelling. We travel a lot and as a baby and child I was moved to several different countries with my parents. Children do not need to stop your life or stop your DH talking that next great job ina a new place. You just travel as 3 not 2...

Good luck!
I DO feel for you.

Flirty x