Has anyone been a surrogate or know anyone who has?

[Surrogate]

I've looked at the COTS website but wanted to chat to someone who has done it.

I'm considering being a surrogate for a relative and it would be biologically their child. They have lost 2 sets of IVF twins and are running out of options.

I have searched on the internet just need to know more about the legal process after the birth and wondered about how the people around you reacted?
Also are you entitled to maternity leave?, did you have counselling?, and what ground rules/agreements did you have?

I've name changed because if someone searched on my usual name my cover would be blown on mumsnet and then no more ranting about real life

[Surrogate]

Is that a no then?

[QOD]

I have a child thru it, in a nutshell, you and your hubby would go on birth cert, but some registrars would let the actual bio father go on it.
The parents to be take the baby home from hosp and you register together, go to court & get Parental resp shared between you as still legal mother, and father.
Then appy for Parental Order under the human embryology act of 1984. Social worker will be appointed to check out the parents (who, remember, already have custody anyway) and if they are all happy, your legal rights are revoked, new mum & dad become legal parents, new birth cert produced with new mum & dad on.

Heres some COTS gumph on PR
"Parental Responsibility Agreements give intended fathers equal rights over the child, whilst waiting for the Parental Order.

If the surrogate is unmarried and the child is registered in the intended parents surname with the intended father's name on the birth certificate he automatically has equal rights (See Amendments of the Childrens Act 1989 below).
For more information about registering a birth click here
If the surrogate is married her husband has equal rights - COTS is looking into the implications of the new amendments but at present we are still informing intended father's to sign a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the surrogate.
Amendments of The Children Act 1989
The Adoption and Children Act 2002 contained some amendments to The Children Act 1989. While the act became law in November 2002, the provisions of the act are being phased in gradually over two years, with full implementation planned for 2004.

The most significant change for many unmarried fathers is regarding Parental Responsibility which came into force on 1 December 2003. From this date, a father may obtain Parental Responsibility if both parents register the birth together.
The Statutory Instrument 2003 No. 3079 (C.117) is the official document from HMSO detailing the dates etc. the relevant wording follows:
The Adoption and Children Act 2002 (Commencement No. 4) Order 2003 (Made 27 November 2003)
Appointed days

1. (2) 1st December 2003 is the appointed day for the coming into force of the following provisions of the Act -

(a) section 111 (parental responsibility of unmarried father);

Margaret Hodge
Minister of State, Department for Education and Skills. "
adn Parental Order

"After 6 weeks the intended parents can apply for a Parental Order. The surrogate, her partner (if applicable) must agree to the making of the order. Once granted all Parental Rights pass to the ?parent?s? the surrogate then has no parental rights over the child.

The applicants MUST be:
married
domiciled in Great Britain.
over 18 years of age

The application must be made after the child is six weeks and before he or she is six months old.
The applicants must provide one or both gametes, (one of the parents must be the biological parent of the child, some courts are now insisting on DNA testing). A Parental Order permanently transfers parental responsibility to the applicants. Parental Order Reporters are appointed in the case of Parental Order applications, they do not have to be paid by the applicants. It is necessary to show that only reasonable expenses have been paid.
The forms required are Parental Order C51(M) and Acknowledgement C52(M)
Once the Order has been granted the intended couple receive a new birth certificate with their names on and the old birth certificate is filed away. "

Its a fab thing you want to do

[QOD]

you as surro are entitled to mat leave & pay, you got MATB form, intended mum may be able to negotiate it too.
If you join an agency such as COTS, you will get support and counselling, my surro didn't feel the need but we did join for the moral support.

Ground rules, well, I went ot every single apt, we referred to her as mine always, you as surro have to be 100% sure you can do it, and handle all this stuff.

YOu have to talk about after birth contact, my friend is my friend still, but I did have to say I didnt want my dd to be involved with her family at all, I didnt want to blur the lines, they are technically related but I want no relationship.
With my surro & her son its different, my dd is 9 and knows it all and always has, she likes her birth mother and adores her half bro.
They live a long way away now though which, to be honest, makes it easier for me mentally!

As for reactions, my mum & sis were terrified, convinced it would all go wrong, but now just love dd and forget all the time about her start.
My mum sends surro pressies every xmas and that is HUGELY important, what she did carries on forever, I think the IP, whilst they may not want to have that much involvement, must always remeber and acknowledge.
My inlaws didnt really seem to think it through much, its their sons child anyway, they just adore dd.

[Surrogate]

Thankyou so much QOD, do you mind if i pick your brains some more?

Is the birth certificate the actual biological parents get a proper birth certificate and not an adoption certificate?
This is really important to my SIL because she didn't get a birth certificate with her 4 lost babies because it was before 24 weeks.

Did you hire a solicitor for the legal stuff and was it expensive?

Was your surrogate a relative? How did you feel about them afterwards?
I'm just worried that they might distance themselves from us afterwards.

Thankyou

[QOD]

its a real birth cert, no mention of it being a replacement or anything, Infact I still have her origional one too.

We didnt hire a solicitor, there is no point as, until the parents run to their car from the hospital with their adored baby in their arms, the surrogate can change their mind.
Nothing is legally binding until the PO which you apply for before the baby is 6 mths old.

Once we left the hosp, with surros full consent of course! she would have had to launch legal proceedings to get dd back. Possession is always 9/10 of the law, unless we were unfit parents, we would have kept custody (at the end of the day, my dh is her bio dad and also, the midwife, gp, hospital, cons etc etc all knew the intent from the start)

She was/is a friend, will it be your bio child? or are you doing host? ie her eggs into you?

[Surrogate]

It will be host surrogacy, they already have some eggs frozen from the last few IVF's.
They are still unsure whether to try again themselves or whether to do surrogacy.

They went to see the consultant who rubbished the idea of idea of surrogacy and said the legal stuff was too complicated which has put them off.

So we could just do the legal stuff ourselves?
How many times did it take before your surrogate got pregnant?

Thankyou so much for answering, i really appreciate it

[QOD]

Ack I answered this earlier and must have wiped it!
There will be more "hassle" with ivf as a clinic is involved, they put the case before an "ethics" committee who decide on whether they will offer help, generally it's only possible if the bio mum CANNOT carry a pregnancy herself, I don't know obviously what her problem is.

As for your future relationship, you are going to be carrying HER child so I am sure there will be no issues, it is her child from start to finish, with straight, it is of course a bit of a different situation, whatever way you look at it, the surrogate IS the bio mum, not just the birth mother.
We did straight surrogacy, home inseminations, took 6 lots of attempts over 5 mths

good luck!