Egg Donation

leximum · 2008-03-10 17:54:04

hello. DS was born nearly 5 yaers ago using egg donation after years of trying. He is the light of our lives, so happy and loving, a little scamp, everything a mother and father could ever wish for. The thing is, we haven't told him about his origins and no-one has ever suspected a thing, even though I had him in my 40s. He looks and acts just like me! I dread teling him in case it scars him. My dh thinks we shouldn't say anything and TBH I'm starting to think he might have a point. This is a change of heart for me and I admit it's connected to my own fear of the effect the news might have on him (especially since he can never "act" on it as the donor must always remain anonymous). the counselling we had at the time of the peocedure directed us towards "honesty at all costs" but I'm now wondering whether that isn't more to do with a modern agenda of human "rights" rather than real kindness and concern for what happens later in life. I keep reading interviews with people who say their lives have been blighted by being given this sort of information as kids, and I'm scared. If it were an adoption there would be no question in my mind, he would know by now. But since his daddy is his biologcal father, and since I made his blood and teeth and bones and gace birth to him, and breast fed him, the picture is more complex, or seems so to me at least. I'm increasingly torn and anxious about it. I'd appreciate thoughts from anyone with experience of the dilemma. TIA.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2008 17:55

Sorry, I don't have anything to add, but want to bump this in case someone has.

Report

Cll · 20/03/2008 16:45

Hi Leximum

Sorry noone had anything to add on this. My dsister has just done her first round of egg donation (as she's single hers was egg and sperm donation - she's done 5 IVF's previously, only one preg ending in m/c and she's now 45), we're just waiting to see if it's worked.

I think it's a really interesting ethical dilemma. I wonder if, having not done it so far, it's one of those things you leave until the inevitable questions about where did I come from come (which all children ask). Maybe couch it in terms of needing an egg and sperm and mum's eggs not working quite right so we had to borrow one? I think the counselling folks were probably right - if you make it into no big deal now, it might not be such a big deal later.
It must be hard when it obviously doesn't matter to you, but from being around children who have something a bit different - adoptive parents, sperm donor dad - they seem to completely take it in their stride.

Of course if you don't want other folks to find out, I wouldn't think you were wrong not to tell him, but for medical reasons you might have to tell him at some point - there are so many questions in life about family medical history? And might it affect him more if he found out later that you hadn't told him the truth.

Sorry, I don't know if I've been at all useful

You do have all my sympathy - it must be a tricky situation and one both you and dh must agree on.
I'm sure whatever you decide to do, with such loving and caring parents, he'll be just fine.

Take care

Report

Cll · 20/03/2008 16:45

Hi Leximum

Sorry noone had anything to add on this. My dsister has just done her first round of egg donation (as she's single hers was egg and sperm donation - she's done 5 IVF's previously, only one preg ending in m/c and she's now 45), we're just waiting to see if it's worked.

I think it's a really interesting ethical dilemma. I wonder if, having not done it so far, it's one of those things you leave until the inevitable questions about where did I come from come (which all children ask). Maybe couch it in terms of needing an egg and sperm and mum's eggs not working quite right so we had to borrow one? I think the counselling folks were probably right - if you make it into no big deal now, it might not be such a big deal later.
It must be hard when it obviously doesn't matter to you, but from being around children who have something a bit different - adoptive parents, sperm donor dad - they seem to completely take it in their stride.

Of course if you don't want other folks to find out, I wouldn't think you were wrong not to tell him, but for medical reasons you might have to tell him at some point - there are so many questions in life about family medical history? And might it affect him more if he found out later that you hadn't told him the truth.

Sorry, I don't know if I've been at all useful

You do have all my sympathy - it must be a tricky situation and one both you and dh must agree on.
I'm sure whatever you decide to do, with such loving and caring parents, he'll be just fine.

Take care

Report

Cll · 20/03/2008 16:45

Hi Leximum

Sorry noone had anything to add on this. My dsister has just done her first round of egg donation (as she's single hers was egg and sperm donation - she's done 5 IVF's previously, only one preg ending in m/c and she's now 45), we're just waiting to see if it's worked.

I think it's a really interesting ethical dilemma. I wonder if, having not done it so far, it's one of those things you leave until the inevitable questions about where did I come from come (which all children ask). Maybe couch it in terms of needing an egg and sperm and mum's eggs not working quite right so we had to borrow one? I think the counselling folks were probably right - if you make it into no big deal now, it might not be such a big deal later.
It must be hard when it obviously doesn't matter to you, but from being around children who have something a bit different - adoptive parents, sperm donor dad - they seem to completely take it in their stride.

Of course if you don't want other folks to find out, I wouldn't think you were wrong not to tell him, but for medical reasons you might have to tell him at some point - there are so many questions in life about family medical history? And might it affect him more if he found out later that you hadn't told him the truth.

Sorry, I don't know if I've been at all useful

You do have all my sympathy - it must be a tricky situation and one both you and dh must agree on.
I'm sure whatever you decide to do, with such loving and caring parents, he'll be just fine.

Take care

Report

Cll · 20/03/2008 16:46

whoops, not v good at this posting lark!

Report

minster · 20/03/2008 20:35

Have you looked at the donor conception network www.donor-conception-network.org/ ?

They are distinctly pro-disclosure but they have some really good materials (telling books & guides) for children of various ages as well as various support materials for parents.

Report

leximum · 23/03/2008 20:00

Thanks for your thoughts cll. I wish your sister the very best of luck. I've been there and I know how harrowing it can be. Hope she succeeds.

OP posts:

Report

wannaBe · 23/03/2008 20:04

babies born as a result of donation now have the right to trace their biological parents - is this not retrospective?

Report

leximum · 24/03/2008 08:20

No. it's not retrospective so it doesn't affect my ds who would not be able to trace...

OP posts:

Report

Rocky12 · 30/04/2008 17:57

Hello,

I saw a programme a couple of months ago on this debate and the auidence were made up of mainly young adults who had 'found' out about being conceived using donors I better say that all of the participants wanted to know where they had come from. One had been told by an aged Aunt who knew sperm donation had been used and felt the girl had the right to know. Another one was a young woman who had found out a couple of months ago. Because she was Asian the whole extended family had known. She always felt there was something not quite right and there were conversations that stopped when she entered the room. Very sadly her father had died and she wasnt able to speak to him about this but she was angry and disappointed that she hadnt been told when she was younger.

My sister in law has had a donor conceived baby and has told friends and family. She is not sure whether she will tell the baby. From a personal viewpoint I think that is wrong, who am I to know before the most important person of all the child.

Medically there will have to be something on your child's records. Again who are these strangers who know and not your child.

Why not speak to the donor helpline and see if they can give you any further info.

Report

madcows · 01/05/2008 12:25

Hi there Leximum,
I think the general view of this (from those who know) is that honesty is better. And the earlier you tell them the easier it is for them. Having said that, if you haven't told friends and family then that is another step you have to take.
I've been a donor (to my sister), and we have all been very open about it. I'm in the process of telling my almost-5 yo. He is only just starting to show an interest in 'where babies come from'... so I slotted it into a conversation very easily. I didn't make it a big thing. But obviously this is very different for us, because it is not about him, but his cousin.
I think the biggest problem is when people find out quite late - then it is a shock. Whereas if they've always known, then it isn't an issue. If your child is almost 5 (same as mine!) then you're not too late at all.
Why not get some help re how to start from others in a similar situation? Have you been to fertilityfriends? They have a donors thread, where people might be able to help. There are a number of books also - I've just ordered one (hasn't arrived yet) called 'The Very Special Ducklings', and another called something like Sometiems it takes three to make a baby.'
Perhaps you and your dh should go back to the clinic to get some more support - being torn and anxious about this is not good for anyone.
good luck with it,
best,
madcows

Report

Talk

Conception