How can I support my sister through first IVF treatment?

[juicebomb]

My sister is about to undertake her first IVF treatment next month. How can I support her both physically and emotionally. We are very close and I know instinctively when she is having a bad day. I have researched the procedure but just wanted to ask anyone who has been through this milestone, what, if anything, I can do to help her. Thanks.

[DelGirl]

awww juicebomb. The only advice I can give is to listen if she needs to sound off. Also, assuming her dh/dp (if she has one) can't go with her to appointment's, which there'll be loads of, would you be able to go with her? I found having the scans a bit stressful at times not knowing if they were going to find any follicles etc but usually towards the end. I'm going through my 5th lot of IUI now and i'm fairly chilled about it at the moment but give me a couple of weeks or so and i'll be climbing the walls with only mnetters to sound off too....beware!

[juicebomb]

DelGirl. Thanks so much for that. Yes,my sis has really brill hubby to help her but if he cant make those scans, I'll be sure to jump in. Good luck with your 5th round of IVI. Sound off to me any time!

[DelGirl]

thanks jb and best of luck to your sis.

[ladymuck]

Would echo Delgirl's advice about company at scans etc - espeically first time round when any news can seem bad news. If you've read up on it, that's great. Your sister may need to talk and only being able to talk to dh just puts yet another strain. Would make the first move to arrnage coffee etc - the whole proceedure feels as if it lasts forever, and any distractions are welcome. The worst aspect for me was never knowing when things would be happening - I was "coasted" on each attempt, so egg collection kept being postponed (and replaced with yet another scan/blood test). Life feels ever so much on hold, so if you can arrange stuff, and yet not mind if you have to cancel then that would be great.

[testtubebaby]

Juicebomb you are already helping by just being there and so in tune with her. Sometimes it helps to talk about it,other times it's good to try and resume 'normal' life eg everyday things unrelated to IVF.

Can her clinic put her in touch with someone who has undergone the proces? Hearing someone else's experience can be a great help and de-medicalises the process a bit.

Worst aspect for me was reacting badly to the injections. I was virtually crippled so any offers of transport/help around the house would have gone down well! I also just tried to take everything as it came and remain realistically positive.

I hope things work out for her and I'm sure you'll be a great help. We were so very incredibly lucky and conceived first time round. My heart goes out to those still trying. It will happen.

[DelGirl]

Bakedbean is pregnant on her 1st lot of ivf - see 'ivf comparing statistics' thread (cant do links, sorry) maybe she can give you some advice too.

[juicebomb]

Thanks to testtubebaby and delgirl and all others who replied to my message yesterday. You gave me such positive advice. Im so worried about my sisters state of mind. She is usually a very positive person and tries to look on bright side. I pray that she is successful first time. Not sure if she could take disappointment. She is very private and will not talk to others about the sadness which, undoubtedly, must strike her every day. I know, instinctively, that talking to others in the same boat would help her, but she finds it difficult to open up. Hope you are all keeping well. I send my best regards.

[DelGirl]

HI Juicebomb. The 1st 'go' (which'll hopefully be the 1st and the last) will be scary because she won't know what to expect. She'll be wondering what effect the drugs will have on her and whether the injections will hurt. You invest sooo much of yourself with each go and it does take over your life for what seems like a long time. With me, usually about 2 and a half months from beginning to end with no guearantee of success. I really hope it works for them.

[juicebomb]

DelGirl. Will try bakedbean's advice under thread IVF statistics as you suggested. Thanks for your advice. Hope all well with you.

[juicebomb]

DelGirl. Just finished reading that thread on IVF stats as you suggested. Thanks. Just had to come back to you to say I think you are so very brave with 5th try and all. Something good WILL HAPPEN THIS TIME. If anyone is feeling like throwing in the towel, I suggest reading Lance Armstrong's book - 'It's not about the bike'.
Very uplifting and gives the message that even when the odds seemed stacked up against you and when you feel that the only thing left is hope, things can turn around and life smile on you.
Lance is in the Tour de France and I'm no fan by any means, but his book is inspirational. Good luck to all you brave birds out there who are putting your fists up to heaven and shouting,
COME ON!!!!

[DelGirl]

Thanks juicebomb. I feel quite emotional now, thanks mainly to the drugs I guess. I so hope it works cos it's so bl**dy hard sometimes with no DH to lean on.

[testtubebaby]

Hi jb, if your sister is usually positive that will be a real bonus. Especially as the statistics show it does work for some people. The sadness is hard to talk about sometimes, often as it's hard to articulate and it's difficult for others to understand - even dps. Especially, when, like us, everyone assumed we would be having kids as we were so close to nieces/nephews/friends kids. At times it was even hard to look at people with bumps who moaned about pregnancy IYSWIM. But the staff in the clinic should be so well trained to deal with the emotional side of things too - and sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger.

Maybe you could contact the clinic to ask if there are any support groups and give her the details? Then it can be her decision. Alternatively, if I can help please let me know.

I found the first go less scary than the prospect of going through it again - as it was all new so I just went with the flow.

Delgirl - the very, very best of luck, I'm thinking about you especially as we are about to climb back on the cycle (!) again.

[juicebomb]

DelGirl. DH just came into room while I was on and got distracted. Dont mean to patronise with my stupid soundbites but I live by that old saying 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' and you must hold on to the belief that this time, you will succeed. I can only imagine what its like for you. And as you say without a DH to lean on, its probably unbearable at times.
Well, here's someone who is thinking of you and adding you to my prayers when I pray for my sister. Talk soon.

[malinki]

Juicebomb
Your sister is very lucky to have you. My sister and I are in the same position, but its me going for IVF (letter came through this morning to meet the consultants at LGI in Leeds). I am very proud of my sister for asking to help. My DH and I are so very close, but somethings just cannot be said, whether its dissapointing news or not, we all have to face upto things, but its nice to have a friendly face, shoulder to cry on and I can count on my sister 110%. I wish you and you sister all the very best luck in the world and hope that the treatment runs smoothly for her, and for anyone else on this list who are about to start out, or currently on the IVF road

[fisticuffs]

This is my first contribution to mumsnet but this is a subject close to my heart! I hope SO MUCH that your sister is successful but without wishing to appear negative, please try to support her against the possibility that it will not work this time. I was theoretically a 'good bet' having no fertility problems of my own (my DH is infertile) but two attempts at IVF and a further two at IUI all failed (I was in my early 30s so not completely past it). Failure got easier for me to handle as it recurred, I have to say, but I can still remember the gut wrenching disapointment of the first failed attempt, brought on in part by media c**p which implies that all you have to do is turn up for IVF to get a baby. Not true. Forgive me if I sound negative, I'm not trying to be, but this was reality for me.

On a brighter note, DH and I subsequently adopted two children and I can say with absolute honesty that it is just as good as the 'real thing'!
Despite all this, hope, hope, hope it works!

[juicebomb]

Hi Fisticuffs and Malinki. Your messages of support are so much appreciated. Its good to know all sides of the story including the possibility that, yes, my sister may not be successful although we are storming heaven in her favour. It was heartwarming to hear that despite disappointment at IVF and IUI treatment, life goes on and two little children have found wonderful parents. I guess it was meant to be that way. Good luck to all who are on this difficult path. BFN

[juicebomb]

Hi DelGirl. Just letting you know Im thinking of you. . Hope you are coping with regime again. Onwards and upwards. You can do it!!!

[Flumpette]

Juicebomb - best advice to give your sister (from experience) would be to keep the timings of her treatment between her nearest and dearest - hubby and I did IVF and miraculously it worked first time, but we didn't tell anyone when we started the treatment although close family and friends knew we'd be attempting it last year at some point. Have friends who found it very difficult as they told all and kept getting phone calls and wellwishers trying to do what was right. It backfired as treatment didn't work for them and they then had to face telling everyone straight away rather than choosing to divulge when they were ready.(happy ending there as they conceived naturally a couple of months later). It's such a rollercoaster and the best thing I did was to start a contract in the city which kept me busy - although sometimes I was exhausted, it didn't give me as much time to dwell on IVF. Good Luck - keep us posted.

[Flumpette]

Juicebomb - forgot to add - get her on Mumsnet and she'll find it very useful I'm sure and also there will be lots of truths and support from all of us.

[rubyt]

Juicebomb. Can I start by saying I am really pleased you feel so strongly for your sister that you have asked for tips/advice. It makes the world of difference when you have people around you whilst you are going through this very traumtic and demanding time. We went through IVF twice getting pregnant with our son on the 2nd attempt. I cannot tell you the emotions I went through - anger that we had to do IVF at all - why us? Anger that these people, these strangers knew my personal health history and were playing god. Frightened to get my hopes up. Angry with myself when I thought I was being too optimistic. Angry with friends who adopted a scientific approach (so after this drug, that happens, then this happens........go read a book about it and then just give me support dammit!). Frightened to death when I began to bleed. Jealous of my best friend who got pregnant just 1 month after they started trying. I could go on...and bore you in the process. But what I would advise is this; listen to your sister, do whatever she wants you to do, wait and let her speak to you, distract her during the waiting periods (of which there are many) and just keep hoping for her. It's a tough road but you sound as though you are with her. The very best of luck.

[juicebomb]

Rubyt. Thank you so much for your words of advice. I cannot tell you how much you have helped me understand the road my sister is about to embark upon. I know her emotions will run amok. She hopes to commence in about three weeks time. In the meantime, we are trying to stay focused and have a laugh. Her DH is brilliant and she has a rock of support there. We are hoping and praying. Great to hear that you were successful and thank you for all your honest comments which I will keep in mind in the next few weeks.

Hi DelGirl. Hope you are ok.

[juicebomb]

Flumpette. Thanks so much for your messages of support. I have toyed with the idea of telling her to go on Mumsnet. She is fiercely private and Im not sure how she would feel about it.
Anway, yes, I agree that keeping the treatment a secret is a good idea because it can only add pressure on someone from family and friends who are trying to be supportive but who can, unintentionally, make a person feel on edge.
Again, thanks so much for your words of advice.

[juicebomb]

DelGirl. Great to hear from you. You've been on my mind. My sis commences treatment beginning of August. So you are well on your way now and fingers are crossed for you. Im sure the process is very difficult, especially when you've been through it before. I guess the trick is to keep busy and remember that we only have one shot at life and try to make the most of each day, however difficult. Here I am waxing lyrical again. Cant help it. Take care and I'll be back on line again to see how you are doing.

[juicebomb]

Del Girl. BTW, how did scan go on 14th?

[DelGirl]

Hi Juicebomb. The scan went well thanks. Well, I thought so anyway. All is as it should be and I was quite impressed with myself . I've another scan on Wednesday unless I start to feel unfortable and should then get more of an idea of how things are progressing. I shall keep you posted, on this and the ivf thread.

How are you and sis?