TTC when partner has a very low sex drive!!

[BobsyBoo]

Hi all,

Is anyone else trying to conceive but their partner doesn't want to have sex?

We are on our 19th month of trying for DC #2 been managing to DTD a couple of times a month around the fertile time. For the last few cycles I've used OPK's so I know when I'm definitely ovulating. As much as OH says he wants another baby it's a struggle getting him to do what it takes! My peak fertile days are yesterday & today. We eventually managed to DTD yesterday, but he had earlier dropped the hint of how tired he was.

This evening I'm waiting in bed for him to come up so we can DTD but he's watching tv at the moment! Really makes me feel great. I know it's probably not helped that I'm using OPK's & let him know when we need to DTD but what else can I do?! He said I'm putting him under so much pressure & it's all I ever think about.

I wish I could give up but I want this so much & we both always said we'd have two.

[Dontgotosleep]

Hopefully, Bobsyboo if you managed to dtd yeaterday at your peak... The sex could work... Good luck on your exciting ttc journey. I am also ttc and I find it really helpful to talk to fellow ttcers on the conceptions threads.
Hope you managed to dtd tonight btw.

[BobsyBoo]

Thanks Dontgotosleep and good luck to you too. Yes I find these threads really helpful too, it's great to chat to others who are also TTC.

Yeh we did manage to DTD in the end but I'm glad the stress of having to is over for now.

[angelaham]

Try not to worry, if you dtd yesterday at your peak that counts, but i know how you feel, I don't think the men understand the frustration in trying to conceive, i have been informed by my husband that i have become obsessive,
fx you get you BFP!!!

[MrsG12345]

My hubby prefers it to be spontaneous and not planned. If I was you I'd not discuss when you need to do but I'd do something as a surprise for him like dressing up in some saucy undies. It has a 100% success rate in our house. Ha. Good luck xx

[BobsyBoo]

Thanks angelaham, no they don't understand at all, yes my OH has told me that I am obsessive too!

Thank you and Fx for you too.

Yes I think I'll try that MrsG12345 and I am going to stop mentioning OPK's, Fertility apps and when the right time is!! Thanks. xx

[Sarahg1]

My DH told me he wanted to know when the essential days were and he'd make sure we dtd. Well... I'm on cycle 6 (or 7, losing count...but quite a few) and not once did that work. One weekend he was overseas on his stag do, and every other month we ended up a arguing because I'd be super nice trying to get him in the mood and he got irritated, we had a fight and needless to say dtd didn't happen.

So this month I tried a different approach... I ov'd last Friday but told him I was due to ov on Monday when he was overseas for work. It totally worked, we dtd every day apart from 1 following AF (I ov on day 10 so there weren't many days but still, plus we had a 9 hour flight on actual ov day so the time difference etc I fear may work against us but the point is he wasn't under pressure on ov day and dtd lots!)

Would something like that work for you? could he be "spontaneous" if he thought it wasn't ov day? Then you can act all nonchalant about it on ov day....

[kaykayblue]

I think it's very common for men to get resentful when couples are ttc. I mean...it's kind of understandable when your partner is more interested in dtd purely because of timing, rather than because they are in the mood, or they are actually desiring their partner. It can very quickly become a "duty" rather than sex. And duty is never sexy.

I think what most guys would like is for the woman to simply never talk about things like ovulation dates, and fertility windows and whatever, and to simply carry on as before - even if that means pretending to initiate sex because they are just so irresistible, rather than because the timing is right. Or to gently manipulate circumstances so it seems like it is spontaneous and random. And for this to be consistent throughout the month - even a bloody moron would work it out if it's on the same two days every month and the rest of the time you have no interest in them.

Of course, this should only ever be after both people have agreed to conceive.

In my mind, even though I can understand not wanting to feel like a sperm bank, it's also kind of childish. They want the woman to take on responsibility for actually arranging everything behind the scenes, figuring out the best dates, etc and for them to simply carry on as beforehand.

[BobsyBoo]

I know what you mean Sarah we had a big row last month at ovulation time and we had a half-hearted attempt the second day.

I'm going to try not to mention when I'm ovulation and maybe even try DTD at other times so he doesn't feel like I'm only doing it because I want a baby.

I know what you mean kaykayblue, the problem is we didn't DTD for about 2 years after having DD and the only reason we started again was because we both decided it was time to try for another. The other thing is as well is I don't tend to try anything at other times because it feels like its hard enough getting him in the mood at the right time, which I know probably makes things worse. Although a few weeks ago at a family party we were both really drunk and we did DTD twice that weekend which was not at the right time.

He's made it clear he definitely wants another baby but I think if he wants it so much he should be prepared to do what it takes. I think I am going to start instigating DTD at other times so he doesn't think I only want to for a baby. It would be nice if he would sometimes instigate DTD rather than me all the time.

Yes it's woman that have to sort all the timings out, using OPK's and Fertility Apps etc.. while men don't have to worry about that.

[Metalhead]

It's so annoying, isn't it? Why do we have to do everything when ttc, is it any wonder we become obsessed?!

For us, I try not to tell DH when I get my +opks unless I know there's no chance we'll dtd otherwise. I try and start initiating sex regularly about a week before my fertile window and then just step it up a bit when I get a +opk. He probably still knows what's going on as we don't really do it much after I've ov'd, but after a year of this shit is frankly be quite happy not to have sex ever again! (Ok, slight exaggeration.) If he wants it at other times, he can bloody we'll make the first move...

As long as you manage to dtd once or twice around ovulation you should still be in with a good chance. And other than that maybe just try and have some more nights out together, or have some drinks and watch a movie at home, and see if you can get him in the mood that way? (Unless you've already tried that.)

[DrinaAdams]

Hi again Bobsy! Our situations are so similar and everything you say echos precisely what I have been experiencing with my dh.

Our problem is not just that he finds it difficult to dtd on demand at ov times, it's that he finds it difficult to summon the energy to do it at any time! We have had sex three times in the 21 months since ds was born- obvs this is partly down to exhaustion but this was not unusual for us even before ds was born.

It makes me sad anyway but it's even more upsetting that despite his obvious wish to have a 2nd he still can't muster the will to dtd with me at the right time. It's hard not to take it personally when I'm basically offering it to him on a plate!

Argh! We only managed to dtd once this month 3/4 days before suspected ov so I fear we are out this month but he has promised to knuckle down (so to speak) next month.

[BobsyBoo]

Yes it is annoying Metalhead.

Yeh I'm hoping the 2 nights we did manage have worked. We did DTD earlier in the week because my OPK said I was at high fertility but I didn't realise they could be inaccurate (its the CB with hormone indicator), so I feel like I've wasted one where we've had to DTD when we didn't need to. I know that sounds awful but I think its the pressure of knowing its the right time or thinking its the right time that makes things worse

And yes I think I would be happy to cut right down on the sex once I've conceived! I actually feel relieved when ovulation is over that I don't have to worry about getting him in the mood.

We are on our 19th cycle and I think part of the reason I haven't conceived is that we don't DTD enough. So a few months ago I decided to start using CB OPK's but in a way I think that's added to the stress.

I think I should plan a night out around ovulation time!

Hello again Drina It's good to have someone to chat to that is going through the same.

My OH is the same doesn't have the energy and would rather watch TV than DTD! He does blame being tired and having DD to look after but then I always think how do other couples manage to have 2 or 3 kids or more (two girls I know who had their DC's after I had DD are pregnant with their 3rd now!).

I'm exactly with you on that as my OH really does want another but can't seem to do what it takes for us to have another which I find really frustrating. I take it personally too, he knows I'm lying in bed waiting for him and he's sat watching tv, I thought men were the one's that were supposed to want lots of sex!

Well you never know. I hope he keeps to his promise. I think I need to have serious words with my OH. Men eh!

[DrinaAdams]

Re: thinking men want loads of sex- that's what I thought! My friends are always joking about how their oh's are always pestering them...if only..!

I know what you mean about feeling like you wasted time dtd on the wrong day as I know that when that happens with us it will take ages for dh to psyche himself up for the next time and by that point we'll have missed the window. I'm being really unfair probably but that's how I feel!

Good luck all with ttc. I may have to invest in some super sexy underwear and deny all knowledge of ov to see of that helps to get him in the mood!

[MotherOfInsomniacToddlers]

It's not fun when it's planned and not spontaneous. But obviously there is a need to plan. I used to set an alarm for either early in the night or an hour before wake up time and surprise dh (he liked this method best!) I'd gently wake him up kissing him or wearing something he hadn't seen before or various other methods (!) was successful!

[Mouldypineapple]

I know exactly how you feel. My dh seems to think once or twice a month will do the job but 3 years down the line it hasn't...unfortunately dh has had some health problems which make him really tired which makes things even worse! We conceived dd1 very quickly (now 4.5) but no luck since. Have almost given up on it happening really.

You need to remember that you really need 2 ejaculations within a week to get rid of the 'old' sperm to give the newer sperm on the second ejaculation the best chance of fertilisation. If you have a sperm test this is what they advise.

Good luck ladies..

[BobsyBoo]

Thank you ladies for sharing you're experiences & giving your comments & opinions, think I'd be lost without mumsnet.

Drina My best friend moans about her OH wanting sex & she's too tired, she doesn't know how lucky she is & she's had two accidental pregnancies so never had to TTC either.

Exactly struggling to DTD as it is without it being wrong time. I sometimes feel I'm being a bit unfair but I'm starting to be a bit resentful.

Thank you and you too. I got a sexy nightie out the other night but couldn't bring myself to put it on losing confidence I think.

Thank you Sunbathingcat. We're the same manage once, twice sometimes at a push around ovulation. I always get the 'too tired' and has to get up at 5am but that doesn't matter when he wants to stay up watching tv. So sorry about your MMC must have been really difficult for you.

I had to start using OPK so I'd know exactly when to DTD because for months we were having sex just once mid-cycle & not getting anywhere, I'd struggle getting him to DTD a second time. We're on our 19th cycle of trying now.

He doesn't seem interested in me be dressing up at all. I have been thinking about getting a sexy nightie to see if that does the trick. I've got a few days off already booked including a long weekend for the 3 of us but unfortunately none of them tie in with my next predicted ovulation. Hopefully I'll end up ovulating at a weekend.

Thanks for all your advice & big hugs to you too & good luck. Yes it helps to know I'm not the only one.

Sounds like a good idea MotherOfInsomniacToddlers

That must be really difficult fir you Mouldypinapple. We conceived DD without even trying & she's nearly 4. I've felt like giving up but just can't bring myself to do it.

I didn't know that about sperm either. They do advise DTD every other night.

[tobysmum77]

I must admit I disagree with the advice above. I think that it is half his potential baby and he needs to man up and start taking some responsibility. There are lots of things that they can do which will help. Then they can go back to spontaneous once they have hit the jackpot.

My dh struggled at times but he did everything he could to make sure it happened.

[BobsyBoo]

I know what you're saying tobysmum77 & I think that's why I get so frustrated, he wants another baby as much as I do but doesn't seem prepared to do what it takes, it's me that has to worry about timings.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Have you sought medical advice re this issue?. This is something I would seriously consider doing now if you have not already done so. Secondary subfertility in couples is not all that uncommon at all.

OPKs are not a definite indicator of ovulation either (blood tests though would be). These measure LH levels but these work on two misleading principles namely that there is only one rise in LH every month and that such a rise is followed by ovulation; both of these are simply not true.

You are putting far too much pressure on yourself and physical problems, not stress, prevents conception. There may well be male factor issues here or both of you are contributing equally to the subfertility.

I would ditch the OPKs as of now and make love as and when you both feel like it, forget timings because timing of intercourse can do more harm than good particularly in relationships. Sex two or three times throughout the cycle is fine.

[BobsyBoo]

I've had some tests & a scan & everything is fine but doctor said to go back in 3 months if we still haven't conceived & that was two months ago. I can't help thinking its because we don't DTD enough.

I have been thinking of ditching the OPK's anyway but it's good to know the exact day AF will start.

I have put myself under a lot of pressure but its been 19 months since we started trying.

That's the problem we only started DTD after 2 years without because we both wanted another baby. It's only the odd time we've DTD without it being the right because OH doesn't often want to.

[kismac]

My partner is very laid back about the whole thing and he can't seem to understand why I'm getting so emotional about it. But for me, TTC is huge! Its like one of the biggest decisions we are going to make, so obviously I'm going to get worked up. I've taken to just not talking about it which kinda sucks but I think will help us in the long run. I just want it to happen quickly!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I've had some tests & a scan & everything is fine but doctor said to go back in 3 months if we still haven't conceived & that was two months ago. I can't help thinking its because we don't DTD enough".

You have had tests but it does not seem like he has had any tests done?. I think your man and you need to do some honest talking without rancour now about all this in front of a fertility specialist.

You do need to have sex throughout the month and not just from a certain cycle day. However, it equally may be physical problems present in either one or both of you that is preventing conception.

"I have been thinking of ditching the OPK's anyway but it's good to know the exact day AF will start".

OPKs do not work like that, these detect LH surges. Ovulation can occur earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle; it does not therefore follow that ovulation occurs 14 or so days before the start of the next period.

[Metalhead]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's very unlikely that you'd get a +opk every month and then AF after the same amount of time (say 14 days as that's the average LP length) if you weren't ovulating? And if you know how long your luteal phase is then you do know when to expect AF after a +opk.

Of course I know that opks only measure the LH surge prior to ov, not ov itself, but as I said, I think it's highly unlikely that you'd get a surge every month around the same time and not ovulate and still have regular periods. (But maybe you do, and that's why I'm still ttc...)

[kaykayblue]

To the OP - Have you tried being blunt with him, and maybe using a little reverse psychology?

To be frank, he isn't pulling his weight. If he is complaining when you say "okay, this is a good time to have sex", yet won't initiate himself, and basically rebuffs your attempts to try and "encourage" him, then I think you need to take a new approach.

You said he really wants a second child?

In which case, let him take the lead.

Tell him bluntly, that you are fed up of being the one taking all the responsibility for trying to conceive. You're fed up of him sitting on his arse in front of the television on the minority of days that you are fertile. It takes two to tango and at the moment you feel like you're on the dancefloor alone making a prat out of yourself.

Just tell him that you are DONE. If he wants a second child, then he can man up and take the fucking initiative (pun intended). Unfortunately, females don't have the ability to become spontaneously pregnant just because their partners are too bloody lazy to get off the sofa and into the bedroom.

Then stop. Fully and totally stop everything for a good three months so he knows that you are serious.

If he wants another child he will realise that he is going to have to change his tune. At the moment you are taking full responsibility for something that you biologically cannot take full responsibility for!

[BobsyBoo]

My OH is laid back too kismac and he is not understanding about why I get so upset when AF arrives.

AttilaTheMeercat No he hasn't had any tests done, but maybe that would be the next stage if I do go back to the doctors.

Since I've started using the CB OPK's my AF has arrived exactly 13 days after the detected LH Surge.

kaykayblue I am getting towards the stage where I want to give up anyway purely because of the stress of getting him in the mood to DTD at the right time.

Like you say if he wants this enough he should take some responsibility too but I got told I put him under too much pressure. After 19 months I feel under a lot of pressure, he just thinks there's always next month!!