I'm not sure I can do this anymore

[Ohwhatbliss]

We have been TTC for 10 months now. No medical reason for not getting pregnant. I know in the grand scheme of things that is no time at all but I seriously don't know how I can put myself through this every month. I'm 35 and feel like every month that I don't get pregnant is a month closer to it never happening. I'm really not coping with the disappointment month after month after month. May be obvious that AF turned up today after a "textbook" month. Followed SMEP to the fecking letter. Every pregnancy "symptom" going, sore boobs, upset stomach, insomnia...... had to be the month right? No. AF turns up a day early today. Not looking for advice really, just letting off steam. I'm just not sure how to keep going month in month out when we are doing everything we can and still no baby. Just feeling so sad tonight and no one in RL to talk to.

[callipygian00]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I know the feeling of the months ticking away, hearing about other people becoming pregnant and hating the pain that comes with it. I had an early mc and suddenly there were pregnant women everywhere. On TV, at work, I couldn't get away from it. Can you speak to your DP about it? I know you probably don't want to but do you think having a breather would be worthwhile? It can get really disheartening so maybe taking control back for a month or two might be worth it? x

[MissSmiley]

I know how you feel. We tried for years but were successful in the end. It was very hard though, you have my sympathies.
We were successful on our 5th round of IVF after a miscarriage on round 2. We went on to try again and after more failed attempts had baby no. 2. Another failed go later and we decided to try one more time for closure more than anything knowing really that round 9 was unlikely to be successful. We got twins! Then after 12 years and 9 cycles if IVF we conceived naturally.
We know now that our fertility problems were caused by undiagnosed coeliac disease.
For years I didn't think we would ever be parents and now I am the mother of five children. It was a very difficult journey but worth every injection and every tear I cried.
Even though I am a mother now I am a mum who suffered infertility and that will always stay with me.
Stick with it. Statistically you are very likely to concieve naturally in the next year but if you don't get on and have some tests. There is do much that can be find to help.
Good luck and stay strong.

[BalancingStick]

Ohwhatbliss, you have described exactly how I feel. I feel angry, upset and completely frustrated every month when af arrives. I don't have any advice, i hate the fact that it feels so out of my control - grrrr! But you have my sympathies - pls don't feel alone.

[BobsyBoo]

I can so relate to you Ohwhatbliss going through exactly the same myself. We had already have a DD who's about to turn 4 but we've been trying for a second for 18 months & it's heartbreaking when AF arrives every month! I get so upset & angry when AF arrives & it causes a row between me & OH, he doesn't understand at all how I feel, there are pregnant people everywhere & even someone I know has come off the pill & got pregnant straight away and he doesn't understand why i get so upset. I also think the fact that period symptoms & pregnancy symptoms are similar makes it worse too.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would be now having a chat with the GP about this issue, if possible both of you should attend this appointment. The GP may or may not decide to do basic tests for both of you, either way you should now be referred to a hospital's subfertility unit.

Subfertility also is not the sole preserve of the woman here and you need to find out what is preventing conception. You need a diagnosis first and foremost.

[jessplussomeonenew]

I really recommend Anya Sizer's book Fertile Thinking for techniques to deal with the psychological side on infertility - really helped me keep going and be kind to myself.

We also started when I was 35 - so I know how disappointment can eat into hope. It would all have been so much easier if I'd known that each month was actually another step towards our natural bfp, over 2 years later. Try to remember it's still possible, and good luck!

[Ohwhatbliss]

So sorry for starting this depressing thread and not replying to all you wonderful people who took the time to reply to sympathise and share your own stories.

It's been a tough few days. After a bleed after sex on Friday period didn't show up and I was still hopeful. Hopes dashed today when AF arrived 3 days late, not our month. I'm trying to stay positive, I have some big events and a holiday this month so lots to look forward to (and now I can enjoy lots of drinks to add to the occasions!).

Callipy - We had a break May/June as I was in a different country to DH - it really helped but once I knew there was a chance in July I was right back into the cycle of obsessing about things.

MissSmiley - Thank you for sharing your journey. I am so happy for you that you got your longed for children. I know that statistically it is likely that it WILL happen for us.

Balancing - It really does help to know I'm not alone with these awful feelings. I think it is the lack of control which makes this so difficult. As my wise old Mum said, we are so used to being able to control every aspect of our lives now and getting pregnant when we want to is the one thing that really is out of our hands to a degree. Keep the faith, it will happen for both of us - eventually!

Bobsy - Yes! What evil trick of nature is it that early pregnancy symptoms and pre AF symptoms are the same? I think I will know I am pregnant when I have no cramping, sore boobs, bloating! Have you had any investigations done at all? Wishing for a BFP for you as soon as possible to put an end to this horrible waiting.

Attila - We have both had investigations done. DH sperm analysis was fine, no issues there. My bloods were entirely normal and pelvic ultrasound showed no issues. Doc has said if no BFP in next 3 months to go back and have a dye test done to check no issues with tubes. Of course it is fantastic that there are no obvious issues preventing pregnancy but in a way it is even more frustrating now when it isn't happening.

Jess - Thanks for the recommendation, I will get my hands on that book asap. I have resolved to be kinder to myself, I can't keep doing this to myself month in month out.

Thank you all SO much for taking the time to reply, just knowing I'm not alone and there are others going through this helps so much. To know there are people who have come out the other side with their longed for children also helps me keep the faith, thank you all.

[BobsyBoo]

Yes I've been to the doctors and had tests and a scan but everything is fine. She said to go back in 3 months if I've still not conceived and she advised me to keep using the Clearblue OPK (the cheap supermarket one's didn't work for me). Aww thank you I hope so too.

My AF is due in the next couple of days and I'm dreading it, I wish I could think positive but its so hard when I've had months of let downs.

It's great to talk to people on here as I have no one I can talk to OH is not very understanding, he does want another baby too but he is just so laid back about it all and doesn't understand why I get so upset when AF starts and doesn't understand why I get upset about other people getting pregnant - I know that sounds selfish but it's hard when it happens so easily for others and we've been trying for so long.

[CurlyJay19]

I'm not sure I can do this anymore is a sentence that keeps doing it's rounds in my head lately so I totally understand and feel for all you ladies.

I'm 44 and new to this site which I've found searching for other information. My DH is 47 and had a vasectomy when we started our IVF journey on January 13. Round 1 and 2 were successful but unfortunately I miscarried both; 1st at 6 weeks and 2nd at 9 weeks. 3rd round was BFN. After every round DH and I have got up, dusted ourselves and carried onto the next. Obviously as all men do heal quicker than women. I still carry the pain in my heart, and every day I think of my babies.

On 19th May DH had a vasectomy reversal. Everything went really well but we always have the 'what if' playing in our minds. Maybe the surgery wont work and I never have another BFP. After the surgery we were both talking of the future and we both said that we still had a very long and suffering year ahead of us. And indeed we were right! His ex is now 4 months pregnant and I hate every minute of my life! I hate that she even existed in his life! I hate that she made him have a snip! I hate that goods things come to evil people! Everyday I try and keep positive, but everyday I shed a tear. The pain becomes bigger and the wound in my heart becomes deeper. DH keeps saying that I should forget about it and carry on. Unfortunately I live in a very small place and I keep seeing her. And to top it all off his DD is all excited about it, which is only normal, but it breaks my heart. Oh, and the irony of it all is that she is due C-section on the same day my 1st baby should have been born!

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

I hear you.
I can't do it any more either.
Then we do, another month, another disappointment.
The emotional cycle is more tiring than the physical one!
I have no advice, everyone else said it better anyway, but I sympathise!

[lovesmycake]

Its so bloody hard isn't it, it took a year with my DS and now I'm ten months into trying for no#2. It should be easier this time but its not. I really struggled with the disappointment this month, and if one more person tells me it's time to start trying for number 2 I'm gonna punch them or start crying on their shoulder in fact that might be worse!!

I also sympathise!

[BobsyBoo]

Well today I got my AF for about the 18th/19th month - lost count! I've cried and got angry and my OH gives me no understanding at all which makes it worse! Can I really put myself through another month of trying and go through this again! It happened so easily with our DD. Everywhere I go there are baby bumps or people announcing they are pregnant! Feeling really upset today and had to let off steam!

So sorry for your losses CurlyJay must be so hard what you are going through, really hope you get your BFP very soon.

Hoping for BFP's very soon for everyone on this thread.

[GingerbreadBabyPlease]

Me too, exactly the same. I just dissolved into tears whilst prepping dinner. Earlier I found myself hugging one of DDs dolls pretending it was a newborn baby......This ttc is actually making me crazy! We have been ttc no.2 for just over 12 months, and it sure isn't getting any easier. If anything it is getting worse, the longer it takes the less I think it is likely to happen. I know the statistics say otherwise, but common sense in my brain says the longer it takes the more likely there is something wrong. Everyday I think I can't do this anymore, but how long do we put ourselves through this? It's the thought of it never happening that scares me the most, so I'm not sure I could ever consciously decide to give up, but I cannot imagine this going on for years and taking over my life....
It helps being able to share this with you ladies, but it is bittersweet that we all have this in common. I hope years in the future we can just look back on this as a bad patch!

[BobsyBoo]

Every month I decide I'm going to give up but I just can't do as I want it so much! How much longer can I let this go on for though.

I have however ordered a book from Amazon to help to conceive with Positive thinking, I thought it was worth a go.