I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.

(174 Posts)
GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 16:02:58

On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...

I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.

We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.

His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...

His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)

If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.

I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.

I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.

Any advice would be really great.

:-(

bakingaddict Mon 16-Sep-13 09:46:33

Do you think that your DH and his family actually feel that you are good enough for him?

You say that your father spent a lot of money on your wedding yet your ILs still thought it wasn't enough and they expect your father to give you a huge amount of money for you to achieve a lifestyle more like his sister. Seriously I think your days as his wife are conditional on your father giving you this money for a rental property and your marriage will falter and fail once this doesn't happen/materialise.

MerryMarigold Mon 16-Sep-13 10:16:52

OP, how well did you know him before you got married? You say you knew him for 10 years, but was it a fairly superficial relationship.

I think he has a point, it is soon after marriage to consider a baby. Looks like you guys have a lot to work on. However, his attitude to money also shows a lot about him ,and how he views you. I would give it a year working on things such as a joint pot of money which you spend wisely etc. I would not bring a child into the marriage the way it is. There is little trust or respect from your dh by the sounds of things. He really needs to change this (no doubt he is pretty spoilt and selfish), and you need to consider whether you want to have a child with him.

But do give it some time and a lot of good, heavy chats. And if things don't change...well...

"I asked him about starting a family (we did have this convo before the wedding but it seems to have changed) he now says that he 'pictures himself' with kids but isn't ready right now and can't say when/if he will ever be ready but if that hasn't changed by 33 he will have a baby with me as he knows its what I want and he wants me."

Massive, massive red flag! He's gone from starting to TTC in a year's time to three years' time, by which point there will assuredly be some other really good reason it's not a good time for kids.

Also, I would be really uneasy about his apparent belief that your father should give you some money. He talks about it as if it's his right and expectation! Why the fuck does he get to decide how your father spends his money? And it's all eyewash anyway. As other posters have pointed out, if your dad's "only" ponying up for a deposit, the rental income will be absorbed by the mortgage anyway so your day-to-day financial situation will change not one iota. And as for £200K for a later date, that, surely, is a drop in the ocean compared to what the two of you are going to inherit one day.

It also occurs to me that the very reason he's sticking to this sine qua non condition of your dad giving you a deposit for a rental property is because he knows it's not going to happen. You don't want to ask (and he should respect your sensitivities in this regard), and you don't think your father will say yes anyway. Out of jail free card for hubby!

In short, OP, I'm very sorry but I believe that your husband is making excuses for not having kids with you (yet).

Flyer747 Mon 16-Sep-13 10:49:57

I echo fetchez he is making excuses here. And will most likely make excuses when he is 33. Changing the goal posts and will do it again I'm sure.

Please wake up and smell the coffee he either doesn't want children or he doesn't want them with you. Sorry for harsh response.

sleepyhead Mon 16-Sep-13 11:04:54

One of the best pieces of advice I read on here was "when someone tells you who they are, believe them."

Listen to what he's telling you:

- he doesn't want children
- he refuses to financially support his family (you)
- he doesn't trust you with money
- he doesn't respect your family

Alarm bells should be ringing here. I think it's time for you to think about what your own non-negotiables are and lay them down on the "table".

If you can't come to an agreement that gives you both what you need then it would seem wise to consider calling it a day while you still have plenty of time to find a partner who does want what you want.

I'm not so sure that he will never want to have children with you, dh wasn't ready at his age but was still sure that at some point he wanted to have children with me. I think you do need to sort out the other stuff first as there are huge blocks in the way. He needs to know that you will not under any circumstances ask your df for money and so he needs to decide which is more important - a dowry or you. Your father has already funded an expensive wedding and you and he are not willing to put 'any more money on the table'. It needs to be clear to his parents too. They can then either get over it or you will know where you stand and can get on with your life without him.

titchy Mon 16-Sep-13 11:22:44

I would imagine that what your father brings to the table is his unending and unconditional love and support for you and your husband.

Pity the same cannot be said for your ILs.

I know which I'd rather have.sad

specialsubject Mon 16-Sep-13 11:23:57

haven't read it all - but don't need to, it is obvious that this man doesn't want kids.

so you have a hard decision to make. Don't think about hinting, expecting changing of mind - it won't happen.

sorry.

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 12:08:39

He is controlling you as he knows you worship him so much you will do anything to keep him.

He is being incredibly rude to say your father has brought nothing to the table. Even if that was true YOU ARE AN ADULT and should fend for yourself.

You are going to waste your best years on this man then end up with no baby anyway.

If you did have the perfect relationship (yours is far from it) his perfect little life will implode when a screaming, smelly, demanding, helpless baby comes along!!

wispaxmas Mon 16-Sep-13 12:33:12

I'm horrible with money, but my H suggested we have a joint account and credit card because it makes both of us feel better knowing he's keeping track of everything. It means he can tell me when I shouldn't use the credit card and just basically let me know how we're doing. I still buy things somewhat frivolously every now and then, but I find I'm more responsible know he's also keeping track of things. If he doesn't respect you enough to at least try to have joint accounts and give you the chance to prove you can handle it, I would really suggest you take stock of your relationship.

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want children because he know it would be something you could potentially love more than him, and your love of him allows him to so easily control you.

He sounds horrid, honestly.

PinkHat1 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:13:47

"i would then take all income from the rental so I don't feel like I was having handouts from husband"

OP, you posted this earlier and I feel terrible for you! Is this how you would feel if you didnt have the rental income coming in?

Nearly every post have given you really sound advice so wont repeat what most people have already said. I do think before you both decide to have children you should seriously work out these financial issues in your relationship. Because trust me, if you leave it until after you have had a child, it will be too late...and you may feel tons worse than you already do. Good luck :-)

expatinscotland Mon 16-Sep-13 14:15:32

I'd bring a divorce petition to the table.

RaRaZ Mon 16-Sep-13 14:21:59

"I asked him about starting a family (we did have this convo before the wedding but it seems to have changed) he now says that he 'pictures himself' with kids but isn't ready right now and can't say when/if he will ever be ready but if that hasn't changed by 33 he will have a baby with me as he knows its what I want and he wants me."

OP: he's basically saying he doesn't want kids but he'd have one as a favour to you. I think he's saying that to shut you up, but regardless, having a baby isn't something you do as a favour to someone else! You've both got to want the baby or it will never work. Listen to what he's telling you here.

Some good advice above. I would also emphasize to him that you / your family are not as rich as he and his family are. He knew this before you got married presumably. Therefore it is totally unrealistic to expect your father to fund a flat for you. Why does he not adjust his expectations accordingly? Ask him why he married you knowing your family was not as wealthy as his is. And then expecting them to behave as if they are as well off - they're NOT, end of story.

Are you shit with money? Do you spend what you earn, or does your spending exceed what you earn? Do you spend it on stuff for both of you, (i.e your house etc), or just yourself? Just trying to gauge if he is right about this or just undermining you to make you even more insecure.

minipie Mon 16-Sep-13 14:52:49

Leaving aside all of the financial stuff, what would worry me is that your DH seems obsessed with planning and controlling everything and creating a "perfect life".

The thing about children though is that they can't be controlled and you can't plan how they will turn out.

How does he cope when things don't go "perfectly"? For example what would happen if you have a child who is ill or disabled? Or just not very good at sleeping, or slow to talk, or makes a mess at every given opportunity? As a previous poster said, will he constantly compare your DC to your SIL's DC?

To have DC I think you (or rather he) needs to accept that life is messy and you have to go with the flow and compromise is usually the order of the day. Do you think he could do this? If not - I would wait until he's had a bit more experience of messy real life rather than fantasy perfect life.

Oh and not a chance in hell would I become a SAHM without a joint account.

MadonnaKebab Tue 17-Sep-13 00:57:34

So even if your dad offered you money tomorrow
How much would you need to get in enough rent to give you this elusive independence?
Maybe your current salary plus a bit for baby things
Say that was £24,000 pa
Then you need to net £2,000 per month in rent
I'm thinking a house / flats that will bring in that much after expenses would cost at least £500,000
Buy to let deposit would be maybe 30 %
So he's asking your Dad for a £150,000 deposit
And your current outgoings might be a multiple of my guess above
Wow !

Even then it won't buy you independence from this controlling character

Because you'll still be reliant on him paying a couple of thousand a month in mortgage as well as repairs, etc
If he ever refused to pay, you could be repossessed and lose your income as well as dad's deposit

So you are not buying independence at all

Call his bluff

How can he say that you fritter your money away when he is a high earner, you have no mortgage and no savings either? What is he doing with his money?

I am so sorry OP, but demanding that YOUR father provide the means to give you an income before you have children, so that you don't have to rely on handouts from your husband....??? If you are married then his money is your money. If you have children then everything should be in one pot and you should have equal access to every penny.

Yet he is thinking of buying houses and paying a mortgage on them (and probably keeping them in his name only) so that you can have the rental income so that you can save face to his parents. I just don't get it.

You haven't been on the thread for a while. people are talking sense. Don't keep this hanging on for 3 years for him then to make out like he is doing you some big favour to impregnate you. Talk to your dad and tell him whats going on. He will be horrified. Maybe he WILL buy you a buy to let but I bet he keeps it in his own name so that your spoit, entitled husband can't get his hands on it. Or maybe as someone else said above he will support you in leaving this twerp.

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Sep-13 13:10:39

Don't keep this hanging on for 3 years for him then to make out like he is doing you some big favour to impregnate you.

This. He sounds like he is conceding (IF he ever does) to 'letting' you have a baby, or giving you a child, however you want to put it. That's not a great basis for a family. Doesn't he want to be a parent? It's not a good situation to bring a child into, believe me. It will end up as you and the child vs. Dad.

Zara1984 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:53:17

Just caught up since your last posts OP. you have had some amazing advice.

This so-called man is manipulating you, big time, and throwing some emotional abuse into the mix too. You don't really have a long term future with this person unless he radically changes. Well not unless you want to be downtrodden and have a child treated as a consolation prize in 3 years sad

You need to tell your dad all about this. You need to ask him for help to leave this man.

I'm sorry OP

MillicentTendancies Wed 18-Sep-13 13:42:57

I am really sorry for you OP. I am same age as you in similar boat as recently married and also been with H ten years .... Sadly we are proles so any parental help is minimal but happily comes with no strings (I'm not being whiny our parents have helped as much as they can).

He is trying to bully you to ask your Dad for cash. It's emotional blackmail. Even then you may get some other excuse, and what kind of down payment would your Dad need to make for DC2?

I hope your H comes to his senses.

I think you need to take the power back a bit. Will your H expect to be so controlling over your own children? I think you have a lot to work out before TTC - take a look at the relationships board to see many sad tales of SAHMs who have a tight-arsed husband who does not value them as they "contribute nothing".

LtheWife Wed 18-Sep-13 17:44:07

Lets just say for a moment he does want a family, OP. You said in your opening post that you feel you can't meet his standards, how does that make you feel? You also mention that he wants to be able to provide a private education for your children. It sounds like he has very high expectations for his family.

How would he react to a child that doesn't do well academically? Who doesn't go on to have a high flying career (through choice or otherwise)? How much pressure will he put on your children to perform well, to meet his standards? As much pressure as he puts on you? More?

Do you want your children to grow up feeling so much pressure on them? To never feel good enough?

LH1981 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:57:29

Hello everyone, please can I join this very crowded bus? smile
I have absolutely NO idea if I'm in my 2ww or not lol.
I'm 32 and ttc baby no.3. I only came of my pill 3+ weeks ago after being on it for 5 years and OH and I have been dtd every day since then.

I've had no withdrawal bleed, or period since stopping and so I have no idea where in my cycle I am. Had very strong pregnancy symptoms about two weeks after stopping, but they have now subsided a lot and plus I've read everywhere that Cerazette causes these 'fake' symptoms when you stop taking it.

I am one crazy lady, POAS every five minutes (all neg), convinced I'm up the duff when in reality it's highly unlikely before my body gets back to normal.

Please can I be crazy with you?? blush

LH1981 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:58:35

Oops, so the wrong post - sorry! Will take my craziness elsewhere!

Crystal049 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:07:47

Ignore everyone on here and go with your heart only you know your husband, people like to cling on to other people's problems clearly what some of these other sad people are doing. It's a joint decision and you should discuss it and do it when it's right for both of you. X

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