I'm ready for a flaming but just spent the last few hours sobbing and I need to talk.

(387 Posts)
internationallove985 Thu 18-Jul-13 00:10:33

I have decided not to name change here for the simple reason you will know it's me by my post and if you're going to flame me or say "Well I told you so", it may as well be the real me. I have posted here rather chat because I have opened up to more people on the conceptions threads.

Most of you know my situation for those that don't I have been sleeping with a guy for the past 2 months in the hopes of getting pregnant. I usual see him on Wednesday day time and Fri evening but I couldn't see him today so we arranged to see each other tonight... Anyway he got to mine for about 9.30.
We went straight upstairs. Sorry if what I say next is T.M.I but I gave him oral and yes rightly or wrongly expected it back but just as he was about to cum he pushed me down on the bed and dtd (with no foreplay) and came in less than a minute got up got dressed and said "I'm going now". I feel so used. I might as well be honest it felt a bit uncomfortable and I bled a little. The only time I've ever bled after sex is when I lsot my virginity.
I know I've been allowing myself to get used. I have never felt emotive after sex but I have just spent the past few hours sobbing. I'm in no way trying to cry rape as that was not the case at all, not once did I struggle or say no, but a little consideration would not have gone a miss. I just couldn't believe the change in him.
He is going away tommorow for a few weeks which now I am glad about as it will give me time to think. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew how he'd made me feel, do I tell him I feel used or do I just put it down to a quickie and rough sex. xx

LithaR Thu 18-Jul-13 22:39:53

If you want a baby without all this risk, do what I do and visit a free donor website. More honest and less risk of feeling bad after.

The one I use is pollentree. Very good for all kinds of donations regarding fertility too.

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Sparklyboots Thu 18-Jul-13 23:12:59

OP that is horrible. Whatever your strategies about getting pregnant, they are not a crime punishable by rape.

Please don't see this man again. Also, post on relationships, where you will get more thoughtful support. This is not to say that anyone will like how you set up the relationship, but none of the regular posters there would think that any of that amounted to a crime punishable by rape.

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Sparklyboots Thu 18-Jul-13 23:31:45

Non consensual sex is rape. I'm not sure what this has to do with Radical Feminism? Or Fifty Shades of Grey and whether or not I read it?

Anyway, whether or not this man intended to leave the OP feeling awful, or it occurred to him that he needed to get consent before having sex with her, the OP did not feel she had given consent and so has experienced rape. Note that I am not suggesting she has him hung. But a quick lesson in what constitutes consent might be relevant? And also ending this awful relationship.

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titzup Thu 18-Jul-13 23:37:54

This is all wrong wrong wrong. Please do everyone involved a favour and stop it in its tracks right here right now. Get yourself AI'd if you want a baby, or find yourself a man who gives a shit about you and the kid. It's better, much better. Honest.

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Sparklyboots Thu 18-Jul-13 23:40:24

Where does it say she did consent? She gave him a blow job and then was held down while penetrated so roughly she bled.

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Sparklyboots Fri 19-Jul-13 00:00:10

Well, with friends like these...

OP, it seems really clear why you'd feel terrible about this particular encounter and the relationship in general. Do go over to relationships for some straight talking support.

There are better ways of conceiving a baby when you aren't in a relationship, please get yourself in a better position.

Sparklyboots Fri 19-Jul-13 00:09:57

I'm actually not interested in the man, I'm only posting because the OP is feeling terrible after a sexual encounter in which she did not give consent for penetration. I'm not interested in the man or labelling him or anything like that, I'm just concerned that the OP gets some support. Because non consensual sex will leave the non-consenting partner feeling violated and awful, and no one deserves that no matter how poorly they have handled their relationship

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Secretswitch Fri 19-Jul-13 06:03:49

Hi International,
I hope that you are doing alright. Please know you have a right to your feelings regarding the incident you described in your OP. Please post in relationships if you feel in need of support.

neontetra Fri 19-Jul-13 06:21:05

Another feminist here confirming that yes, forced penetration is rape, and no, consensually giving someone a blowjob does not give them the moral or indeed legal right to force their penis into you when you are not ready for this. Therefore I do hope the OP is OK.

OhBuggerMe Fri 19-Jul-13 07:10:22

The op and this guy have a specific arrangement where.he visits her home on set says for sex. She is happy to oblige a she's made clearl on another thread, she wants a baby.

This is not rape.

Just as when I have sex with my husband and don't say.yes but open my legs and let him in, also isn't rape.

ThoraNomiki Fri 19-Jul-13 08:25:20

Even people who are hard-core into rough sex agree on it before. Whether this was rape or not is up to the OP but from I read she was left feeling hurt and physically used. That is not the expected result of a mutually enjoyable encounter. I think actually that the posters who 'know the OP so well' have missed the point of the OP because your minds are clouded by the fact that OP has an unusual relationship set-up.

Is it only Radical Feminists that think a woman should not be treated like a sex toy?

OhBuggerMe Fri 19-Jul-13 08:33:30

No, not at all but the using was 2 ways..she was using him for his sperm... but I suppose you think only he is at fault hmm

Op wanted Penis though! This is the whole point she is TTC. She would have probably been even more distressed if she didn't get the sex!

Op I am sorry you are in pain however flippant my above comment is. Please please leave this man be and everyone here can hand hold and give you the support trying to conceive with donor sperm. I know you are hurting, and I agree with another poster that it seems you like this man more than you care to admit and there's no problem to admit that. We can support you with that.

Just be kind to yourself please, you will get that baby smile

ThoraNomiki Fri 19-Jul-13 09:15:04

The two situations are seperate issues.
Two people 'using' each other for sex should still be mutually enjoyable. Fuck - buddies should still have sexual respect for each other. The OP has been seeing this guy for a while and has not been left feeling shit from all their encounters. Just this one. Not just because he didn't go down on her but because he showed no consideration for her as a human being.
Neither of them asked the other to use contraception so at least with that one they're on an even keel with regards to lack of sexual respect.

For what it's worth I do not like the idea of a woman trying to get pregnant with a man who does not know about it, for her sake as much as his, but that is my opinion.
No man should push a woman down and penetrate her until she bleeds. No one should have the opinion that that is ok no matter what the nature of the couple's relationship or anything else going on between them.
Reading your partners body language and cues is part of obtaining consent. It doesn't have to be as straight forward as yes or no

ThoraNomiki Fri 19-Jul-13 09:59:34

The OP may have wanted penis bit how it is given is an important distinction.
My point is that International had every right to feel upset. I hope that she ends the arrangement and can find a better donor (preferably a willing one through official routes)

ThoraNomiki Fri 19-Jul-13 10:00:16

*but not bit

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