TTC at 41 with older DH aged 54 ... tinged with guilt - ANYONE else in the same position??

[chummy1]

Hello everyone,

We are trying (very hard!) to conceive our first child.
Terribly mixed feelings - desperate to have our own little baby mixed with the guilt of bringing a little baby into the world at my age (41 ) but more so DH 54.

Both young in mind, fit and slim with no health issues and financially stable. We both long to provide a happy, safe and secure home for a little one but both feel guilty wanting this longed for baby as DH is 54.

Ridiculously, the country file presenter (julie xxx??) gave an interview recently where she discussed her joy at being pregnant at 41 and shared her wish for a second child now (age 42 I think) with her DP aged 54 .... and this gave my guilt a temporary reprieve!

Is anyone else in a similar position??? would love to hear from you

Emotionally wobbling tonight :(

[flatmum]

Don't feel guilty! I am the same age as you and my youngest is 2. What's the difference? And my parents had me in their early twenties and my father died when I was 20 (my youngest sibling was 12). There are no guarantees in life. A happy home and childhood is one of the most important things to prepare you for life tho I think and sounds like you are fantastically placed for that. Good luck!!

[chummy1]

thank you for replying flatmum
Are we not being selfish ....? DH is 54 - 55 this year.......... ??
just so concerned about our child feeling 'different' to all the other children with daddy's in their 30's & 40's!!! If we are successful, my DH will be 65 when the little one is 10. I cannot stop worrying for him/her..... DH says our love will compensate but is also realistic that our little one may be picked on for having an 'old dad' ............. worrying worrying worrying. Have just sent of forms to ARGC ...and having a minor panic now!!!!

[thereinmadnesslies]

DH is 56 and we have DC aged 3 and 6.

I'm a fair bit younger than DH but ironically the DC think I'm the oldest. I don't think DH is the oldest dad at the school gates. There are times when he is tired from the DC but no other issues.

I do not think you are selfish - you are thinking through the potential issues. I see positives in the future - DH will be retired when the DC reach their teens so he will be hands on for school holidays and general running around after them.

[fatfloosie]

Try not to worry. You aren't being selfish. Your baby cannot be born in any other circumstances (unless you're going to create an embryo and donate it to a younger couple!). Feeling embarrassed about your parents is small beer next to not being born at all!

[Pollykitten]

my dad had me when he was 52 and he was the best dad ever! wouldn't have changed him for the world. worry about something else if you have to! good luck x

[chummy1]

There is someone else out there :) thank you for replying thereinmadnesslies
I am amazed (and delighted) that at 56 your DH is not the oldest at the school gates! This gives me such hope.

We are originally from London, where parents seem older. We have moved to the country where parents all seem so young!!!!!! You are quite correct, We have considered the potential issues and of course, the positives. I don't know anyone else with a partner of DH's age with young children and this has left me feeling strangely isolated. Normally very self assured but suddenly not so!

May I ask how your friends/colleagues reacted to you conceiving when DH was 52/53? Many of my friends/colleagues openly discuss how selfish it is to have a child when you are 'past a certain age' .... inwardly i am crying but keep my thoughts and plans to myself!!

[chummy1]

fatloosie that's so true! hadn't thought about that
Pollykitten you were obviously lucky to have a lovely Dad.
Thank you both for replying.......... I cannot help but worry (when I hear so many negative comments about older parents - no one knows that we have been ttc ) ...

[DoTheStrand]

Trust me OP there are more of us out there than you think

I am 41 and DH is early 50s. We have DCs 3.5 and 1 and are going to try for another. DH also has two older DC, late teens.

Bullying for having older parents has never entered my head, children get bullied for all sorts of reasons - you can deal with that if / when it happens. Also children are always going to find their parents embarrassing, it's the law! (My friend had her DC in her teens. I vividly remember us thinking we would be cool mum and her cool friend. Her DC of course thought we were old and embarrassing. We were in our late twenties by then).

I an always positive about the many benefits but I also went into this with my eyes open (conception / pregnancy / parenting). I have had 2 mcs and i know that the last was because of my age. We have old and frail parents which means no practical support for us as parents, and we are looking after their needs while caring for small children. I am sad that my late father never got to meet my DC2, they would have adored each other (I am a child of older parents myself). But these issues would not have stopped us starting our family and are not stopping us trying for no 3 (or number 5 in DH's case!)

ultimately you won't be 'older mum and dad' to your DC but just 'mum and dad'.

Families come in all shapes and sizes nowadays and differing from the norm (what norm?) is often hardly commented on.

Good luck with TTC, I really hope you are successful.

Phew, lecture over!!

[flatmum]

chummy we are in Surrey and at my dc school there are lots of older dads. my y3 child (8 year olds) have 3 dads i can think of who are nearing 60, 2 second marriages and one IVF. in my other childs Reception class (5 year olds) there are also older parents and one IVF couple who are both late fifties. no one bats an eyelid and you wouldnt stand out round here. in my third child's nursery class (2 year olds) there are 2 dads who are in their sixties. it is increasingly common i think.

there are practicalties of course but you will have the experience and funds, presumably, to address a lot of them.

[chummy1]

Dothestrand thank you for the lecture.... I needed it! LOL! I honestly thought that we would be be the 'only ones' at our respective ages! flatmum it's so nice of you to share the reality of life too ... thanks so much girls.

Not being a mum, I don't go near playgrounds very often! My experience is collecting my friends daughter (very rarely) from a private school where parents seem older than state school children!?!?! just my local observation but that's probably wrong....... I am obsessed! School are another minefield! but one I hope to have to cross soon! I am looking everywhere and cannot see any new parent as (young, fit and lovely) as my DH aged 54! LOL! You have made me feel an awful lot better... I mean this, so thank you.

DH has just sent me a lovely long text (he has a stressful demanding role however finds the time to text me :) and believe me that's not always easy for him) ... it said, Don't worry about THE issue, I don't have to work too much over the weekend, (that's unusual) therefore we'll have plenty of time to discuss it all together......! awwww, he know's I am fretting!! (although I try to hide it from him.... he has enough to deal with during the week!) but it makes such a difference.

I am concerned that he'll struggle when he's 65/70 with a 10-15 year old however he says he'll be fine! He is very fit! and lovely! We've been together for 8 years now....for me, thats a miracle! never thought i would find the one!!

I read Julie Bradburys article (country file presenter) she has a new baby and DP aged 54 and would like a second child! We are in the countryside and down ere........ they do things differently! lol! change is rare!! we will shock the village! lol!

Anyway.... ramble over!

Thank you for reassuring me and its lovely to talk with girls in the same position...... makes an enormous difference!

Would love to hear from anyone else with an older hubby .... xxx

[dopeysheep]

All children think their parents only watched black and white tv in their caves anyway.
You'll be fine!

[flatmum]

definitely true about private schools I reckon. Not that there wont be any at state schools of course, just that I think most (not all of course) younger parents will be at state schools. So it probably doesnt look as obvious that older parents are around.