There won't be a baby if we don't shag enough!

[hoobnoob]

It's early days on our TTC journey, I came off the pill end Dec.

We've never been a couple that are at it like rabbits. In fact over the last year or so I've been battling depression which zapped my sex drive. I'm feeling a lot better and we decided to try for a baby.

My DP in the past sometimes suffered from delayed ejaculation, in that he can be hard but not come, this can go on for ages until we just have to give up. It's used to happen once in a while but since we have been TTC, there seems to be a problem every time we have sex. Either he can't come, or the latest was that he couldn't get an erection at all. This has NEVER happened to him before.

We had a long talk and he admitted he watches porn and masturbates daily, which means he finds orgasm through sex more difficult, I get that masturbation is healthy and normal but the amount is excessive so he agreed to not masturbate at all for a while to see if we can kick start our sex life a bit.
I thought he'd get so horny that I'd be fighting him off but this has not happened. I feel like I'm always the one that initiates sex and he's always too tired and turns me down.
I bought some sexy undies and stuff and just generally made. Abut of an effort to try to bring the fun back into it.
I'm trying to keep everything really relaxed and understand that there is pressure on him now we are trying but I'm also really worried, I have PCOS and am pretty sure conception won't be easy anyway, let alone if we can't actually manage to have sex.

I'm really trying to stay calm and make it fun but its like he's over thinking everything and making it impossible for himself to enjoy sex

Any advice really appreciated!

[Soph80]

You're right to keep things relaxed as it will only make him worse. I think you'll find that quite a lot of us on here have DHs with performance anxiety!

I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed baby-making sex thank god for preseed but we do really try to enjoy the non-baby making sex, if DH isn't too shagged

You mention your sex drive is zapped. Maybe you need to work on yourself first? Then the rest will follow! Treat yourself to some fancy underwear so that you 'feel' sexy. Get yourself down to anne summers and have a gander at DHs wanking material. Spend some quality time with yourself and once you've found yourself again, let hubby in on the secret!

If you're relaxed and enjoying sex, maybe DH will relax too and BAM there goes that bun in the oven xxx

[HavingALittleFaithBaby]

I found my sex drive increased quite radically when I came off the pill! That kicked in within about two months I think :)

I agree, try not to get too hung up about it but it's easier said than done. Try things like massage (I say this a lot but it really helped us!). Skin to skin contact is sensuous but also relaxing. We did massages with an agreement it wouldn't automatically lead to sex, but it often did! Re the delayed ejaculation/masturbation, one option is to give him and hand job/ let him pleasure himself (DH sometimes had this and he was quicker than I was!) while you do other things like lick his nipples, then go for it when he's about ready to come. This did help us wonder if I should have NC for this admission?!

How often do you have sex? You should be aiming for three times a week, every week.

[hoobnoob]

Thanks for the advice. I will def try massage that sounds fun.

Right now, we're having sex once or sometimes twice a week max, but we have innthe past been a while longer than that between having sex, so when everyone is saying do it every other day, that makes me worry but I don't want to pressure him too much and scare him even more! So bloody awkward!

He is always tired when he gets home from work. We used to do it a lot more but its really petered down in the last couple of years, which is as much down to me as him.

We've been together 10 years so we have no problems with intimacy and the relationship is good apart from this.

[KatAndKit]

I bet this is nothing to do with fancy underwear etc. He is addicted to online pornography. He has learnt to get his kicks from watching women being treated roughly or perhaps being abused. Therefore making love to a woman doesn't do it for him anymore as his brain is now associating violence with orgasm. I could be wrong, he could be watching some 70s retro soft porn but I bet he isnt. No wonder he is tired if he is masturbating every day.

My advice is to put ttc on the back burner for a couple of months. Don't go back on the pill so if you do get pregnant in that time it will be a bonus. Use that time to sort out the issues in your sexual relationship so that he is no longer addicted to masturbating to online pornography every single day and that he is more able to have normal sex with his wife. Do not tell him when your fertile days are at first or wave ovulation sticks in his face as that is a massive pressure for a lot of men.

[PuppyMummy]

Kat - that is an unfair thing to say, how do u know that the porn he is watching is women being treated roughly or abused?? How can u 'bet it isnt soft porn'.

My OH enjoys porn but he certainly has no interest in violence and abuse and it doest affect our sex life, it has in fact helped on occasion whilst ttc.

Hoob's OH is more likely to be suffering from anxiety of pressure to perform than being addicted to porn.

[KatAndKit]

Most porn involves women being treated badly these days. However, exactly what he is watching is irrelevant. Whatever it is, it has affected his sex life because he is able to masturbate to orgasm on a daily basis but not enjoy real sex with his partner. Of course pressure to perform can be an issue - that is why i suggested taking the pressure off for a bit.

[RedRobin1]

Afraid I have to agree with kat not sure about the women being treated badly but it's true porn steals your intimacy with DH and desensitises him to sex with you.

From experience with my DH years ago I had a similar sex life to yours. Not much, too tired never up for it and everything else was fine. We had been together 10 years too. DH eventually cut back on porn and we tried to find our intimacy again. Skin to skin massages is def good like faith suggests. I am afraid but ttc requires a lot more than once or twice a week and as long as DH is masturbating excessively through porn I worry you won't find that intimacy between the two of you. DH hasn't cut it out completely but it's become more of a rare thing now.

Try things like going to bed 30mins early to make time for the two of you in bed. That worked for us.

[hoobnoob]

Thanks for all the advice, I will def utilise some of it!
Going to bed earlier is something we can try as we'll as putting TTC on the back burner and just having fun.

In regards to the porn, I have access to his PC so have had a look at what he looks at and it is not violent stuff. He is the loveliest man and would never want to see stuff like that. In fact his porn of choice appears to be slightly larger ladies with natural breasts, we have discussed it before and I know he hates fake boobs and stick thin women. This actually makes me feel pretty good as I am on the plumper side!

I think I went so long with practically no sex drive that he turned to porn as a substitute and now he's got used to it so we're just going to have to work at it a bit.

[Soph80]

Porn can be totally blown out of proportion at times. To most people its just a means to an end and a bit of fun. Theres lots of diferent types of porn, some that is tailored actually for women. It really isn't all as 'violent' and 'women being treated badly', you just have to know where to look so that you don't see those things. Don't make it a 'dirty secret' to him, it will only make him worse. Fair play to him liking 'normal' women and not your typical pornstar!!! You could always suggest watching it together one night? x