done something stupid and now i feel sick, diy a.i

(35 Posts)
redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 08:23:52

Tried to swi four times this week

Only worked once, dh is having problems

So last night in desperation, ov test pos on fri

I suggested dh give me a sample.

He did in a cup, was clean but not sterile, then I used a syringe again clean but not sterile

Anyway I'm hoping this is key, I was too scared to put the syringe inside as j thought what if j inject air

So I just kinda squirted it on the outside of the vagina, the syringe was not pushed in

So now in the cold light of the morning I'm feeling sick and panickig what if I have given myself an infection

DottyDot Sun 10-Feb-13 15:43:02

You've had some great advice and wise words in this thread - I can only add that while we used brand new syringes to conceive ds1, ds2 was conceived using the Calpol syringes... blush. Hope you get the support you need and all goes well with ttc.

You've had some excellent advice here and I hope you're feeling less stressed. Counselling is hard sometimes but very worthwhile- i had it weekly for many years to sort my past out and it was worth all the hours, money and soggy tissues.

If you wanted to continue using AI to help TTC then there are kits available here

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:08

and that's completely understandable. I quite often use one of those CD's where you relax bits of your body at a time. they're good. go off amazon and play the mp3 previews so you can check the voice doesn't annoy you.

would a support group be better for you than counselling? it's really about finding what works for you and your family.

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 11:17:54

yeah i would be happy to try a hypno cd.

i could probably do with some relaxation techniques

i'm not quite this crazy all the time, i am up and down

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:11:09

I worried about that too and, at first, it did make me feel worse because I was talking about things I'd locked up inside me - things I couldn't tell people about (of felt I couldn't) and things I'd decided I was silly or selfish to be upset about. after that I felt better though. it's particularly difficult after a bereavement because you're so aware of the grief of those around you that it can feel impossible to speak about your own grief without feeling selfish.

sorry if I've been out of line but it doesn't sound like you're enjoying trying to get pregnant (and that is meant to be the fun bit! wink )

it's good to ask for help - especially after everything you've been through.

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 11:10:40

I do understand about the need to ttc.

I discovered I was pg with DC4 a year after my DD died. I went on to have another DC two years later.

Pregnancy was very hard but I coped. The key is to understand why it is hard and find coping stratagies.

I turned into a bit of a hippy smile Yoga and hypnobirthing helped a lot.

Why not try a hypno CD now? relaxation techniques are the same for all kinds of situations.

You DESERVE to be able to relax.

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 11:07:58

It might make you feel worse, it probably will.
But just for a while.
And 'worse' is relative.

Is it worse to have the daily grind of anxiety, of being terrified of 'something' happening when you are not even sure of what that 'something' is?

Or to have a few tough weeks as you start to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to express the agony of losing your boy?

Its not about getting back to how you were before you lost him, its about learning how to deal with this new life without him.

Yes I have therapy and it does help but it takes time. It took me a while to find the right person too. Someone who understands about childhood cancer and its treatment. I think someone who has an understanding of the loss of a baby would be best for you.

It is worth holding out for the right person.

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 11:02:42

well suppose i worry that counselling could make me feel worse or simply not help.
but i guess i won't know unless i try.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:58:08

there is no way you will "get over" this - ever (and I would never suggest you could) - but, do you have the emotional resilience to undertake a pregnancy at this time while raising your daughter?

could you give yourself a couple more months to regain your emotional strength (with bereavement counselling for example) - now that your physical strength is returning?

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:46:40

Mrs devere, did you have counselling? did you find it helped?

hellesbelles, i know what your saying about not being emotionally well enough to cope with the rigours of pregnancy
but really i have to ttc if we want to have another child, i won't feel better in six month or whatever its just a lifelong sadness that i have to learn to live with.
not ttc will not help me
not saying any pregnancy will be easy or that even have a new baby will be easy, i know there will be difficulites that most people dont have to worry about
but if we want another baby we have to try

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:38:53

oh and you can access talking therapies through your nhs trust's mental health team with a self-referral or by referral from your gp or health visitor.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:36:52

redbobblehat when I had quite severe ante-natal depression that left me delusional and paranoid, I didn't get help because my mum had convinced me that admitting to any mental health problem would lead to me losing my child to social services. of course, that made me even more anxious and I kept my resulting depression secret for many years, I never regained the feelings of love I had previously felt towards my husband - until I had a nervous breakdown...

so...

social services do not take children away from parents with mh issues unless they pose a significant threat to the child. I don't know what you're like in rl but, I suspect that isn't the situation here.

you said that you waited til you were physically well but it doesn't seem like you're emotionally well enough to cope with the rigours of pregnancy yet.

getting help can only improve your, and your family's, situation. you've been through major trauma and that needs to be dealt with.

try enjoying sex with your husband as a form of loving therapy rather than as a baby-making exercise. sex is very emotionally therapeutic -when approached as an emotional act rather than just a physical act.

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 10:29:13

Please don't worry about asking for help.
It is normal to grieve for your child.
I think the anxieties about health etc are a sort of displacement thing. We cannot bear the loss of our children and the pain and grief is channeled into something else. For some people it is drink, drugs or shopping etc.
For us it is worry about our health or the health of people we love.

It is a normal thing that has become abnormal because of the impact on our lives.

If you are worried about asking for help I would go down the bereavement counselling route. Your GP should be able to refer you. There is Cruse but I have not used them. You might find local groups in your area and you can refer yourself.

You little boy does matter. The grief for a child cannot be measured by the breaths they took or the minutes or days they were alive.

My DD was 14 when she died. I don't think my grief is any more than yours. People who think like that have NO idea.

Please try and get some support. You deserve it.

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:17:51

Mrs devere, your post do not offend me at all, i know your only saying it because you want to help me.
i thank you for that

i have been thinking about some sort of counselling, what sort would i seek, breavement counselling i guess?
i suppose i don't know how about getting some.
also i worry[yes more irrational worrying] that drs will think i'm depressed or can't cope with dd[who i love more than anything]
and they might take her away from me or have a question mark over her being in my care or something

i don't think i want to go down the route of antidepressants, as i worry[again] about side effects and then its just something else to get off

i just know my heart will ache forever for ds and i miss him everyday and wish everyday he was here, alive and well

also because ds died after he was born, not many people got to meet him, so for alot of people it's like he didnt really exist, hard for me to explain, but others don't really see our lost always.

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 10:14:31

Yes it is easier said than done.
Which is why we sometimes need a bit of help smile

I hope things go well with your plans tc very soon.

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:10:07

thanks for trying to calm me down, it's really nice of you all.
you have calmed me down quite a bit.
i was actually sobbing this am and on the verge of throwing up
now i'm a bit calmer, although truthly still worried

it is so out of chatacter for me to do anything like this, condering what a worry freak i am.

but ive thought about what you have said, that most things that go into the vagina are not sterile.penis, fingers tampons, and if dh had a tiny trace of calpol or lotion or somehting on his penis, i don't think i would worry
and it did only go on the outside, so if any sperm did drip in, it would have to travel such a long way.

i am really really regretting it though.
and i do feel like a total idiot
i'm going to try and relax but its easier said than done

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 10:08:19

I hope you don't think I am being patronising but I really think you might benefit from some proper therapy.

I can only go by your posts but they are very anxious and quite irrational. I don't mean that you are generally irrational but perhaps the medical/health/illness aspect of this incident has really freaked you out.

TTC can also seem medical or like a medical problem if it is taking a while.

All that added to the grief of losing your child can build up to an anxiety disorder.

I wouldn't dream of diagnosing someone on line or in real life for that matter. I am only going by my experience.

It takes a lot of work to sort it out. You need help with it. Its complicated.

Worrying about accidents and illness is very common in bereaved parents. VERY common. Sometimes it can get better with time but sometimes we get stuck.

I really hope I haven't offended you but your posts struck a chord. Things CAN get better with help and you will not believe how much lighter you can feel .

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 09:21:29

I'm so sorry you lost your dd Mrs devere

I haven't had proper counselling, only talking to people from sands etc.

I worry a lot about health and accidents

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 09:13:34

Have you had any counselling?
I don't mean that in a trite way.

I have severe medical related anxieties. These stem from the death of my DD.

They can be crippling.

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 09:10:42

Just read online that the sperm get washed as they travel through the vagina. And considering I didn't really even put it inside.more just on the outside, if it was to get anywhere inside me, it would have a bloody

long way to go

That's the idiotic thing as I haven't put it inside me,more on the outside hoping it would drip in, I've given myself all this worry and its actually probably highly unlikely to even work.
So I've caused myself all this stress for no reason.

I am insane when it comes to worrying about health problems, I get obbessjve worrying about health things.
That's why its so bonkers I've done this

specialknickers Sun 10-Feb-13 09:03:38

You'll be fine op. Just think about the normal way people get pregnant... Using a willy that's usually used for peeing, that's washed once a day (at best!) and is kept in someone's pants!

Frankly, when you think about it, a smear of calpol is quite preferable.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible time. I think I remember you from the miscarriage boards in the summer. It's great that you're ready to try again.

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 08:48:51

I do have a dd thankfully.

I think if it had just gone from the cup to me tipping that onto me. I wouldn't feel quite so worried. But the oral syringe has been used in the past for calpol, but has been cleaned but guess there could be a trace of calpol in there now.

Bloodyhell I'm such a idiot

At least I didn't put the syringe up inside me

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 08:48:03

You sound very. vry anxious.
I am not surprised. I am so sorry about your little boy and then to have a mc, sad

I am not a medic but I agree with the others that you are very unlikely to have done any damage. Why would the sperm be infected? What with?

Try and think this through logically. What exactly do you think could have happened?

EuroShagmore Sun 10-Feb-13 08:47:29

You really need to stop panicking. Vaginas are not sterile. Most things that go in vaginas are not sterile. You will not have given yourself an infection. Please calm down.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sun 10-Feb-13 08:46:32

You will be fine. I concieved DD in a similar manner. DH has problems ejaculating during intercourse. Which is fab when we don't want to get pregnant, but a pain in the arse when we do.

Red nothing will happen to you, apart from falling preg maybe wink

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