How do we help obese DSS (five) slim down when he's not with us most of the time?

[MooneyRiver]

The youngest of my three DSCs is severely overweight. He's five and weighs 5st, which would more typically be the weight of a 10-year-old on the 50th centile. (DSS is average height.) He wears age 12-13 elasticated shorts most of the time, to fit round his middle, and finding school trousers to fit is an impossibility.

The NHS's online calculator puts him on the 99th centile for BMI. He is obese. We have known DSS's weight was becoming an issue for several years. Ever since DP and his wife separated when he was one, his weight has crept up, and in the time I've been with DP (since DSS was two), he's gone from being solid but healthy to obese.

DP has his DCs a third of the time and is mindful of healthy eating and being active when they're with him, even though he is limited to a degree by an injury. He is concerned about DSS's size and has tried talking to his ex about it. She said she thought he would slim down once he went to school - and a year later, about to go into year 1, it's no better, plus she gives him snack money for playtime. She says maybe she'll take him to the doctor, but hasn't. She never shared the letter that will have come home after he was weighed at school last autumn. Really, she's not on board with doing anything about it at all; there's just no real concern there or sense of responsibility for helping him. When my DS was DSS's age, we were out for walks, going to the park, going to soft play at least once a week; the DSCs' mum does nothing active with them whatsoever.

So, in the third of the time we have the DSCs, how can we help DSS become healthier? He's such a lovely lad, full of character, and already is becoming aware of his size and we can see it affecting his self-esteem if it's not addressed.

Also, how do we balance this mission with him having two older siblings and a step-brother who are all healthy weights and need more food than him? My DS, for example, is a big (tall but lean) lad for his age and does a lot of sport. He's also pubescent, so he regularly eats more than me! Youngest DSS will protest this is unfair and thinks he should have what the others are having, not a smaller meal. I also want my DS to be able to have the odd ice cream, chocolate, etc, because he's active and "treats" are a reasonable part of a balanced lifestyle in moderation - but giving youngest DSS anything like sweets or puddings at all just feels wrong, like we're fanning the flames, given his size.

How do we help youngest DSS slim down while still letting the others eat to appetite and have the odd not-so-healthy indulgence? Can we really achieve much in the time we have him?

[mrscog]

I'm sorry, I really don't have much to offer but bumping in the hope of someone more expert than me comes along. You and your DP sound like you'll be really supportive though. Maybe you need another discussion with his exP? I think being as active as possible on the days you are together is a good idea. I don't think it's unreasonable to give a pubescent young person a larger portion than a 5 year old, and I think this will have to be explained to your DSS. However portion controlled treats would be a feature of adult weight loss, so I think it would be a bit unfair to restrict a small treat when you're together - especially if you've had an active day. Are there any times of the year where you have him for a longer time (ie a family holiday) where you might be able to make a slightly greater impact?

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I have no suggestions, but I have been in a similar situation. DD was with me 50% of the time Ex claimed he was concerned, but never kept a food diary and never attends dietician's appointments.
Your DP has PR so he could take your DSS to the doctors and start the ball rolling.
I only gained control when DD was with me 100% of the time and it turned out her that her eating was linked to extreme unhappiness at that the 50% arrangement was not want she wanted.

[crazykat]

5 is old enough to understand that your older ds needs more food than he does. My 5yo ds understands that DSD needs more food as she's older than him. If your ds wants ice cream/treats then let him have them but not in front of your DSS.

While he's with you give him healthy food an be as active as possible.

I don't know how much taking him to the GP will do if his mother isn't on board with sorting his weight. Something need to be done though as its not fair on him. There's only two ways young children become very overweight and that's too much food/too little exercise or a medical problem/medication.

Would it be an option for him to live with you and your DH? It will really start to affect his confidence before long not to mention the possibility of bullying wrong though it is.