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Should I worry- 3 day old ap out every night til 12/1

(24 Posts)
Maryz Sun 17-Nov-13 01:29:55

I have teenagers and they don't go out most weekends until after ten.

If you are regularly home by 9.30, then why shouldn't she go out then confused As long as she is up and fit to work on her working days, I think you should be glad that she has a healthy social life and isn't wandering around miserably all the time.

Obviously if you are going to have a late night, just let her know and she can tell her friends she won't be joining them.

Many posts on here about APs are about them being unhappy - yours sounds pretty ok.

mikulkin Sun 17-Nov-13 01:18:11

I have a different opinion. If the au pair lives with us and I asked for babysitting evening I would expect to have flexibility to come home as late as it works out. The whole idea of having smb living with you is to have more flexibility than with live-out babysitters.
Our au pairs know that if I asked for babysitting that means they can go to bed without waiting for me. Occasionally when I know definitely I will be early in I say that of course to help them with planning their evening.
I don't think that in this case you can compare au pairs with ordinary babysitters. Usually with babysitters you expect them to be awake. With au pair it is more like having adult in house - she can go to sleep at 10 without waiting for parents to come home.
When it comes to curfew I actually never set one - as long as she can come home quietly I don't mind. I only ask them to text me in advance in case they plan to stay over at their friends.

It's completely fine to have a curfew for an au pair PROVIDED you are clear about house rules before they decided to come to be with you. I treat my APs like a member of the family as you are meant to so that means they get to come on fab trips with us to the theatre or whatever but also they have to be home on a weeknight just like one of my kids would. They can always ask for permission to be late for something special, but Mon-Thurs I don't think it unreasonable to expect my DS or my AP to be home by 11.

The issue for the OP is I don't think she has agreed all this kind of thing Up front and is now having to make a swift readjustment of her own expectations and behaviours.

When I babysat I always knew a rough guesstimate when the parents would be back. I give the same courteousy now to my babysitters and text them with plenty of notice if it's going to be later and check that's ok

I'd say standard practice whether babysitter or ap and it doesn't matter what the reason is for them wanting to know

madwomanintheatt1c Sat 16-Nov-13 03:06:35

Okay - this is your second au pair, just started, and your first au pair left after a very short period. Previously to this you had an older live in nanny (who I assume you paid far more). This was a successful long term employment.

I don't think that you have got the hang of the difference between a nanny and an au pair? (Although we even paid our nanny extra for overnights and in excess of two a month they were optional).

If you arrange in advance what hours you need her, within the terms of her max working hours, and she sticks to them, she is fully within her rights to do whatever else she wants the rest of the time (including going out for hours to parties and clubs with her local boyfriend).

Why should you be commenting on what she does with her own time at her two week review?

hollowhallows Sat 16-Nov-13 03:00:53

I am actually feeling sorry for your AP. Makes me grateful to not be one and have someone think they can try and impose a curfew on me as a fully grown adult.

Horrified at the suggestion that OP should be vague about her plans so her AP will not be able to make social plans for herself.

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 16-Nov-13 02:52:15

It is not fine to set a curfew for an au pair.

It's also not fine for someone to wake up the whole house coming in.

grabaspoon Fri 15-Nov-13 20:29:43

You set a curfew for a grown up adult? What time do you expect them home?

As a different point of view - its fine to set a curfew for an AP on nights before a working day and I have always done so. I don't want everyone woken up by someone coming home at 1am when we have to go to school and work the next day. But at the weekend her time is her own and she can stay out as late as she likes.

But Friday and Saturday are not normal AP babysitting nights as they are the weekend not weeknight. Both require extra payment. And if you want complete feel flexibility on those nights you need to pay for it by booking her till 1am or whatever. And you should be booking babysitting some time in advance not on the day.

You have been lucky with your previous AP and now need to get used to more standard practices. Good luck!

minderjinx Fri 15-Nov-13 10:48:20

I'm not an au pair, but I do babysit. It is perfectly normal and expected for parents to tell me when they expect to be back, and barring emergencies such as cancelled trains, for them to be back by that time. If they don't want to commit to being back at a particular time (or at all) then they book me overnight and pay for an overnight booking. I am a bit surprised that you seem to think it is acceptable to in effect book your au pair for the night twice in a week as well as her regular daytime hours. Isn't that a lot more hours than au pairs generally do? Do you pay her extra for this?

minderjinx Fri 15-Nov-13 10:45:03

I'm not an au pair, but I do babysit. It is perfectly normal and expected for parents to tell me when they expect to be back, and barring emergencies such as cancelled trains, for them to be back by that time. If they don't want to commit to being back at a particular time (or at all) then they book me overnight and pay for an overnight booking. I am a bit surprised that you seem to think it is acceptable to in effect book your au pair for the night twice in a week as well as her regular daytime hours. Isn't that a lot more hours than au pairs generally do? Do you pay her extra for this?

Yerazig Thu 14-Nov-13 17:55:42

As others have said as long as she's not waking you and the kids up and being loud it's none of your business as long as she is awake and ready for mornings. As a nanny I always double check what time the parents might be back as a previous poster said so I can maybe plan a night out afterwards. Don't understand at all why that would stress you out why she wanted to know what time you was coming back home. I know when I go out clubbing clubs don't open till 10/10.30. And especially in shorditch so many late night places to go out around there

longjane Thu 14-Nov-13 17:51:09

I think it is good practice to tell the babysitter when you might be back.
So
They don't worry about you .
They know when to phone you if child is taking ill.
Or if child is misbaving .

If you going to be later you always txt .

NomDeClavier Thu 14-Nov-13 11:29:03

Most clubs don't open til after you'd be back so I guess what she's assuming is you'll be out til midnight or so and she wants her friends to go somewhere she can get to! When I nannied overseas in a big party city that was pretty standard and I used to go out after finishing work for a bit. I still rarely go to sleep before 1 or 2am and am up at 7. Some people don't need much sleep and it sounds like she has time to snooze during the day. Pretty ideal if you ask me wink

It's unfair to write off her entire night as a babysit night unless you really are away overnight. I think you have got used to having homebodies in a way, but an outgoing and confident person who enjoys socialising really isn't something to worry about! Far, far better than a morose AP - search Domestic Dementor on here and count your blessings grin

But seriously give her an idea of whether it's dinner/a film/a rave and whether you plan to be back round 10, midnight or 5am and she can plan around you. And make it clear that you aren't being held to that time if you decide to catch a film after dinner on a whim. She's more likely to be happy with that than you saying its off limits so she has to stay in and come 10pm you're home but her friends have gone somewhere the other side of London when she could have persuaded them to stay more local and joined them.

grabaspoon Thu 14-Nov-13 11:18:18

Re late nights.

My boss understands I am a grown up and can go out at night without a curfew we have an understanding that she will lock up and I will come in quietly and lock up although I am also able to stay out all night (don't need to check in) as long as I am at work on time in the morning.

grabaspoon Thu 14-Nov-13 11:14:34

I am a live in nanny who babysits. While sometimes I just go to bed; if friends are going into town and Im babysitting for work I might check what time the boss is home so that I can arrange to meet up with friends after work.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 14-Nov-13 10:07:49

As others have said if it doesn't effect her work - tho is early days, if she does this for a month she may be tired - then she is a grown woman and also has a life

She probably goes to meet her bf and yes if I'm babysitting I like to know a rough finish time - I don't mind if come home at 1am but like to know - you ap is the same - esp on a weekend

As long as doesn't come home totally rat arsed like pigeons ap and she is quiet then I don't think you can complain

sagalsmith Thu 14-Nov-13 09:02:03

Thanks for all that. So far in our 4 yrs of having live-in childcare, the kids are in bed by 8 (I'm very strict) so there's nothing else to do.My 2 previous nanny and au pair have just settled into the night/tv/slept/study etc so it wasn't a case of clock watching for them because they had somewhere else to go. I suppose I got really used to that and liked the security of it. I've even told her that on the very rare Saturdays that we would need her (extra pay for the day, but comes under babysitting at night with sufficient notice), that she could get one friend or her bf round- not sure if its a good idea but I figure that she's an adult. Currently she's out all day and comes back by 4 with kids and stays til 8- so really not a bad deal for her- tons of free time as we are quite fair.
We mostly are back from a night out by 9.30 max with the occasional exception. We need the sleep!! But I like the option of knowing that if we'd like to stay longer, we could.
All the opinions are interesting and I'll take them on board and perhaps not be too worried that I've got a 'party girl' on my hands, or if I do- a responsible one.

mrswishywashy Thu 14-Nov-13 06:51:58

Whether she is live in or not she still is an adult and as such can choose to go out until she wants as long as she does her work duties the next day and also she needs to know when bbsitting finishes. Or have it for maximum number of hours and if you get in earlier let her know. Very annoying bbsitting and having no end in sight.

OutragedFromLeeds Wed 13-Nov-13 23:23:59

No way can she ask for babysitting every Friday and Saturday (unless previously agreed). When is the au pair allowed to go out?

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 23:21:56

Maybe just tell her we go out every friday and saturday and may be back by midnite but never quite sure of the time.

Squiffyagain Wed 13-Nov-13 23:15:04

I agree. All my au pairs have thought nothing of heading out at 10 when I'm heading for bed. All of them manage to get up in time (and I understand that all of them have a kip after theyve dropped the kids off).

If it were affecting her work then I'd say something, otherwise leave her be. A mature, responsible 27 YO with an already established group of friends is a keeper, all other things being equal.

OutragedFromLeeds Wed 13-Nov-13 22:33:15

If it doesn't affect her work and she's being as quiet as possible when she comes in then it's none of your business tbh. She's an adult and can choose her own bedtime.

I don't know why her asking what time you're planning to be back pissed you off. That's a perfectly reasonable question for any babysitter to ask. Just give a rough time, round up a bit in case you're late.

sagalsmith Wed 13-Nov-13 22:27:58

My 3 day old ap- started Monday- has been out for 'walks' every night for the past 3 nights for 3-5 hrs/time. We required some babysitting last night and the second we were home- she was out the door. I know when she returns as I can hear her (she does attempt to be quiet). She's older 27, and has a bf in the area and some friends. Its Shoreditch so major party area. So far hasn't affected her work. Today, when I mentioned another babysitting on Fri- she actually said 'not a problem, just let me know what time you'll be back so that I can plan with my friends' to which I responded that for our family, the whole idea of having someone living with us is the freedom of having time to do what we need to do and that she should just assume that babysitting nights to be off-limits and a bonus if we're back early. It did piss me off though. She's the second aupair after 2 months after 1st one decided kids are not 'her'. Prior to this, we had an older homehelp/nanny who lived with us for almost 4 years, so we are not exactly new to this.
Should I worry? I expect this to be the pattern. What to say at her 2 week review?

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