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Mindee has told the school that I wouldn't feed him or give him a drink

(21 Posts)
Saltire Mon 29-Apr-13 10:29:02

Narmada - his behaviour is perfect at school ( according to the teacher, and no I didn't ask her it came up in a conversatn about something else).

I do, if I am honest, find him a very demanding child, quite hard work in fact.
I am always having to remind him aobut his behaviour towards his younger ssibling - his always telling the sibling he is stupid, or slow, or doing things wrong.
He is always contradicting me, if he asks me a question and I answer and I tell him the answer it is met with "I don't think so". he always argues the point

Example - today the sibling was playing a game on PC. The older child was watching.
He kept saying "you're doing it wrong" or "you misse da short cut/cheat/thing" "you are so stupid, stupid boy doing it worng, I can do it better than you"
He does it with my Dses too, if they get home frst and are sitting playing on laptop/hand held consoles/pc then this child look over their should telling them tehy are doing it wrong and he can do it better.

Also he is always telling me how good he is at everything, and I mean everything. he told DH ( who is a fully qualified rugby referee) that he (mindee) was really good at refereeing and was better than DH.He told the football instructor that he was really good at football and was better than the instructor

I cannot make my mind up if this is just how he is, or if its the parents pushing him to be good at everything.
he is the smae mindee I mentioned a while ago who is always wanting to make models - he took a huff becasue we couldn't make a working model of a harley davidson from cardboard boxes.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 28-Apr-13 21:32:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

narmada Sun 28-Apr-13 21:17:18

Maybe I am really harsh but I don't think it's that bad to not give a child of nine alternative breakfast if he was being really obnoxious.

Sounds like he has some behavioural issues though, and the school will prob be aware of this?? unless he saves his strops for home and you?

How come they asked you about him being hungry and thirsty, and not his mum? That seems odd.

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 28-Apr-13 00:16:45

It's hard when you don't think a parent is coping and I am always letting one particular mum get away with lots, but am at the point where I am going to have to say something in the nicest possible way as it is affecting everyone who watches the horrendous drop offs. We have had full on swearing matches at the door!!

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 28-Apr-13 00:13:30

I had a similar situation the other day where the child had refused breakfast, so although she was in a strop I toasted and buttered a few slices and took them on the school run in a tub. She had a slice by the time we got there.

I'm not saying what you did was wrong, we all handle situations differently, but children need to have their basic needs met and don't always know what's good for them

minderjinx Fri 26-Apr-13 12:37:53

It sounds like you have a tough job there Saltire. It must be hard to manage defiant behaviour day after day, and I hope you get some time to relax and recharge your batteries in between.

Saltire Fri 26-Apr-13 11:43:42

Yes the school are aware of the pupil premium they have a lot of military children theregrin
The school also told him that they have advisors (older pupls) or teachers who can talk to him. This isn't the first time we have had moods and meltdowns like this though.
he had one at my house because i had no sellotape. he ripped up a model he'd been making and threw it across the floor. Then refused to speak or listen to me all the way to school.
He also goes like this if he gets told off - by either his parents or me. I told im off one day last week because he kept calling his sibling a thicko. So he stormed off, way inf ront, wouldn't listen or acknowledge me when I called him, we had to run to catch him up but he just run off. Spent the rest of that afternoon sitting in teh crner facing the wall refusing to speak.

he ha soften arrived in that mood too in the mornings when either parent is doing sdrop off

MrsBazinga Fri 26-Apr-13 09:47:31

His school will get Pupil Premium funding specifically to support forces children. Lots use it to employ a Parent Support Advisor who can help with behavioural issues and other complications that can arise when your spouse is away for long periods. Has the mum spoken to school? Are they supporting her and the boy? It sounds like they could all do with some help at the moment.

Smartieaddict Fri 26-Apr-13 09:36:35

Is his behaviour a result of his Dad going away? Sounds like he needs someone outside the family to talk to about how he is feeling. Do the school offer some sort of counselling service? It sounds tough for all concerned!

Saltire Thu 25-Apr-13 20:21:01

Just had a chat with mum. she is in tears. The child has bit her this afternoon, and the full story of this morning came out . it wasn't just over coco pops apprently. There had been a lot of things, including spitting at his mum and telling her to fuck off last night when she asked him to go to bed, trying to push his younger sibling down teh stairs and pushing him off the trampoline.
So i am actually giving the mum a bit of slack, her Dh is away for 4 months and this is only week 2, she has a way to go and i don't know if she can manage 4 months of this sad

minderjinx Thu 25-Apr-13 19:24:28

I think the Mum put you in an impossible position, Saltire. She really should not have asked you to withhold food and drink. I specifically say in my policies that I will not withhold food or drink as a punishment, so would have been immediately able to point this out. Given where you now are, I would tell the parents that you cannot do this in future and point out that it has resulted in you being exposed to criticism from the school and potentially from others in your community. Hopefully she will admit responsibility.

intheshed Thu 25-Apr-13 18:56:42

Crazy behaviour from the mother- I could understand if she said don't give him any coco pops/chocolate spread/jam etc but to ask you to send him to school hungry is awful.

And I don't think you should have agreed to it either- I would have made him some toast with butter and a drink and said 'well it's there if you want it'. Poor boy sad

HDEE Thu 25-Apr-13 18:48:54

InkleWinkle, many children become irrational when blood sugar is low, which his would have been as he hadn't eaten since the night before.

I'd have made my mindee some toast, and told him its on the table if he wants it.

What a horrible start to the day for a child of nine. All over some cocopops!

Saltire Thu 25-Apr-13 17:48:27

The child completely ignored me turned his back to me, wouldn't answer any questions i asked him, including if he wanted a drink.

So even if i had offered him toast he wouldn't have answered me. He ignored me on the way to school too, he walked quite far in front I had to keep calling him back, but he kept pretending not to hear, he also walked off out of sight round a corner and across a busy road, again ignoring me when i called him.

Same performance on the way home

wotsfortea Thu 25-Apr-13 16:23:30

Well I would have ignored the mother. Who would send their child to school on an empty stomach? He's 9 for heaven's sake. Even though he had a meltdown over no cocopops you surely wouldn't tell the childminder he is to have nothing to eat from 07.45 till 09.00. Very strange behaviour of the mother if you ask me. That would have meant he had nothing to eat from when he got up (presumably about 6.30) until lunchtime? What sort of batshit crazy mother would think that acceptable? I would have offered him drink and food and tried to coax him out of his strop. If I was annoyed at anyone, it would not have been the child, it would have been the mother.

InkleWinkle Thu 25-Apr-13 16:14:41

HDEE

The OP says she offered him a drink. Presumably if he had accepted she would have offered something to eat too but he ignored her & turned away so what did you expect her to do?

HDEE Thu 25-Apr-13 15:23:32

Did you offer him some toast? Pretty poor practise to send a child to school with an empty stomach, regardless of parental wishes. And I'd have told the parents I can't allow him to go hungry too.

Startail Thu 25-Apr-13 15:14:18

He's 9!

Those two words totally absolve you from any blame in this matter.

Worst school report I ever got I was 9/10.
DD1 got bullied worst in Y5. DD2 was even stubborner than normal. The boys in her year had the HT ringing their parents. The girls all fell out. Even DD1, who despite having a horrid time at school, is normally very easy to live with had the odd tantrum.

9 year-olds are just beginning want a say in their lives and do it with all the tact of a toddler. Parents, peers, teachers and CMs all get the flack when the world doesn't go their way.

Saltire Thu 25-Apr-13 14:39:08

I did tell the school. I think what bothering me is if he's told all his classmates and they tell their mums. I live in a very small village with a large amount of bored military spouses who like to bitch and gossip!hmm
I can jus timagine already what they would be saying......but i suppose I shouldn't be bothered, the parents, school and i know the truth

Smartieaddict Thu 25-Apr-13 14:33:21

Did you explain to the head what actually happened? It must be a fairly common scenario, so I wouldn't worry too much. It sounds like the parents would back you up anyway, as they asked you not to feed him! Hopefully he'll have a better morning tomorrow!

Saltire Thu 25-Apr-13 14:30:51

This morning. The head has just rung (about another issue) and she mentiond it.

I have him and his brother from 7.45 till 9.00am. When mum dropped off she said not give him anything to eat (we usually all have a bit of toast) as he hadn't eaten his breakfast as he was in a huff becasue she had no coco pops, he hadn't got dressed when asked and had been rude to her. He was in a foul temper when he got here (he's 9)

I asked him if he wanted a drink and he turned his back on me and ignored me, in fct he wouldn't talk all the walk to school ,just ingored me and his brother and other mindees totally

anyway he then told his class teacher at morning break that he starving and thristy becasue "salitre refused to give me toast and drink". angry

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