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Childbirth

If you had a bad experience 1st time round, what will/did you do to try and make the 2nd time different?

42 replies

soppy · 26/11/2004 10:10

I had a catalogue of disasters and am probably going to hire a private midwife and try to do it at home next time. Not sure if this will help me manage my fear though. I really want nothing to remind me of the first time - even when I talk about it 10 months on I sometimes start to shake. (Why I'm already planning to do it again is a mystery!)

Any tips?

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soppy · 26/11/2004 10:51

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OxyMoron · 26/11/2004 11:00

Hi soppy,

I can't pretend to understand your situation, having only had 1 and it being a very positive experience. But I thought I'd recommend this book which helped me incredibly with the fear I was feeling before the birth, and includes many examples of people going on to have a better experience 2nd time.

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soppy · 26/11/2004 11:13

Thanks so much, that looks great!

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soppy · 26/11/2004 13:53

bump

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spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:26

I found the birth of my first child traumatic, simply because I was unprepared for the levels of pain involved, so when I was pg with my second I concentrated on learning how to manage pain with breathing and it totally worked. I read Sheila Kitzinger - v good. I also used rescue remedy throughout my second labour, and whether placebo effect or not, it seemed to help. I didn't need any pain relief at all. Also remember that often the first labour is harder and longer than subsequent ones. Don't know if this helps at all, but good luck xxx

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soppy · 26/11/2004 14:28

Thanks sm - will look into Kitzinger

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Uwila · 26/11/2004 14:28

Hi Soppy,
I had a less than perfect birth first time. But, I think my approach second time may be radically different from your. First tim eI was induced, slow to progress, foetal distress due to cord being wrapped around her neck TWICE. Ended in emergency c-section. I had almost every drug on offer. Even morphine for withdrawl shakes I got after waking up from the general.

Anyway, I want an elective c-section this time. At least that what I'm hoping for. I haven't gotten a consultant to sign off on this yet. But, from what I hear, Queen Charlotte is pretty agreeable to c-sections after a previous one.

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MummyToSteven · 26/11/2004 14:29

doula/independent midwife is a good idea

have you had a chance go to through your medical notes with a senior midwife - sometimes that can help you feel a bit better to have someone to explain why what happened did happen, iyswim. also if you make whoever looks after you antenatally very much aware of your anxieties following your last birth, and how you want things to be different

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dinosaur · 26/11/2004 14:30

Soppy, I agree with spacemonkey - I didn't need any artificial pain relief in my second or third labours, just got through them with breathing. Start doing yoga now, if you don't already, and then switch to doing antenatal yoga as soon as you get pregnant again, that way you'll have so much time to practise the breathing, it will be second nature by the time you come to need it!

A cheaper option than hiring a private midwife is to hire a doula - I had one thirid time around and she was brilliant.

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spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:33

I was skint and didn't even go to classes, let alone have a doula, just learned the techniques from a book, so it can be done! Yoga is a brilliant idea. Hello dinosaur btw

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soppy · 26/11/2004 14:35

Did yoga (and more) last time round but didnt get the chance to use anything I'd learned

Havent been through notes M2S, but did write letter of complaint to hospital and got a very detailed explanation back - they accepted they'd made a complete mess of things & that what happened was completely unacceptable, took specific steps to make sure it didnt happen to anyone else, and refunded the money we'd spent on a private room. This helped me draw a line under it in one way, but I still need next time to be completely different from the start. I'm not going near that place again, for one thing!

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spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:36

Don't know the details soppy, but sorry you had such an awful experience first time

I think the main thing is to feel you are in control. Sometimes I guess that is not possible if there are complications. If home birth is an option, go for it!

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soppy · 26/11/2004 14:41

Long story sm, but a combination of 6 days of incompetence and bullying from an alarming number of the staff - DS delivered by an utter bitch (I dont use that word lightly) and I was left facing with the possibility of being permanently disabled

Home birth pretty definite, barring complications

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spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:48

Shit, how awful for you soppy

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LIZS · 26/11/2004 14:50

I'm sirry you had a bad exerience first time around. I felt really out of control and violated first time around. ds was a ventouse delivery and had heart decelerations for 5 hours which in retrospect ought to have been taken more seriously but instead he was born with cord around his neck and a grey colour (but aren't they all!). Now wonder if some of his motor problems are related but doubt we'll ever know.

Anyway it helped me second time to have a continuity of care. I'm abroad so had a Ob/Gyn but it could equally have been a private midwife/doula. We discussed my first delivery in detail and agreed what I would be happy to tolerate and what not for the second delivery. It had a cathartic effect and I felt I could trust him to make decisions that I would agree with, and although in the end had a managed, induced delivery , I felt more in control the whole time. I also think it was easier having experienced it before, so had some idea of my abilities to cope and weaknesses (my legs go to jelly just prior to delivery for example).

hth

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MistressMary · 26/11/2004 14:56

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

I am getting my notes back and going to talk my experience over with Hv and a midwife to put to bed my bad memories.
I also found this website a while backtoo.
If I could go back and do it again ?
An epidurial would have helped.

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suzywong · 26/11/2004 14:57

soppy, sorry you had such an awful time

I had a horrid time with ds2 and I called the Birth Crisis Network to talk it over and it left me feeling really empowered and less of a victim. I have tried googling them but their website appears to be down.

I know you say you have been in contact with the hospital and talked to them, but if you say you are still shaking when you think about it you may well benefit from some specific counselling

It can be done over the phone. HTH

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suzywong · 26/11/2004 14:58

that could be the one, they may have changed their domain name. Anyway Sheila Kitzenger runs it.

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morningpaper · 26/11/2004 15:04

Soppy, sounds just AWFUL, really sorry.

Before I gave birth I had a fantastic course of hypontherapy, so I think I was quite prepared in that way.

However, I had a 27 hour labour, all went tits up because the epidural DIDN'T WORK. I still feel panic just remembering what it was like with all the anesthetists scratching their heads and not being able to work out why I could still feel everything. After 5 top-ups and re-siting it was sufficient to ease the pain, but it was an awful experience and it just didn't seem to stop. And SH was almost more hysterical than me.

Basically, I am hoping that next time is just QUICKER because I coped ok for the first 17 hours. I don't know what else to do. I didn't want pethidine for various reasons but I wonder whether that might help me next time. I'm not sure that all my planning did me much good the first time, so I'm wary about getting any plans or expectations up a second time around.

Anyway, got to get knocked up first!

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morningpaper · 26/11/2004 15:04

SH should be DH

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morningpaper · 26/11/2004 15:05

Oh a P.S.

My care was excellent (an NHS hospital) - midwives were SO supportive. It was just the physical side of things that was awful.

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soppy · 26/11/2004 15:08

Brilliant resources and suggestions - thanks all - will look into them. Violated is just the word, Lizs

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bakedpotato · 26/11/2004 15:21

i think having a private midwife who you can really build a relationship with will make a massive difference to your confidence. i've got a community midwife this time with any luck she will be around for the delivery and already the experience feels much more positive.

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soppy · 26/11/2004 15:23

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ragtaggle · 26/11/2004 15:29

God,morningpaper and soppy. Both those experiences sound horrendous. I'm so sorry to hear you had such an awful time.

Soppy - I thoroughly recommend hiring independent midwives. I used them for the birth of my first baby at home and I didn't regret it. Get ones that specialise in home births - it makes all the difference to know that nobody is going to push you into going to hospital. If you are in London (or Herts) I can thoroughly recommend mine. (Let me know)

Not only did they visit me at home every week for two months before the birth but they came to my house EVERY DAY for the month afterwards and helped with everything I needed - made me tea, made the beds...you name it!

They weren't cheap (two and a half thousand pounds) but when I hear other people's experiences I realise how worth the money they are. Good luck. I really hope you have a better time this time round.