Birthing partner- I don't want anyone with me. Am I weird?

(26 Posts)
Tiredemma Mon 19-Aug-13 09:37:21

Dp will obviously be at the hospital but previous two pregnancies have shown that he is quite 'useless' during the final stages of labour- I don't want to sound mean about him because he has clear issues about seeing me in pain and not coping with it. He also said that at the birth of DS1 (13 years ago) he actually almost 'passed out' and experienced what appears to be some kind of mild panic attack (obviously I didn't notice this at the time) Me telling him to 'man up' didn't go down well previously-
With DS2 DP stayed in the delivery room with me (along with my aunt and best friend) and then waited outside just as birth was imminent, came in within minutes of DS2 being born- all was well- he appeared to cope with this much better and didn't spend the remainder of the day wandering around the hospital looking like he had the 'thousand yard stare'.

Im 36 weeks pregnant with DC3. Dp has asked who is going in with me - obviously making reference to the fact that he doesn't think he can 'cope' again. The thing is - I really am not arsed about having anyone specific in with me. I had originally asked my dear BF but she has just had her 7th fail at IVF and after a heart to heart we both deduced that it would be too difficult for her to be with me.

My mum is on standby to look after DS1 and Ds2 - and my relationship with her is not one in which I would feel 'supported' throughout childbirth- in fact I think she would irritate me.

I feel that if DP is there most of the time but obviously outside for the actual delivery, then comes in- then ill be ok. Not sure how others view this though? I dont want people to think that my DP isn't supportive, he is immensely but as a Nurse- I know that people tolerate watching others in pain/distress in different ways.
I also did my dissertation in PTSD following childbirth and don't want to subject him to trauma!!!!! I think that him admitting that he is struggling and worried about this is a big thing for him and I have to appreciate his feelings.

do you think this is weird?

CoteDAzur Mon 19-Aug-13 09:39:39

No, not weird. During the only vaginal birth I had, I kicked DH out of the room when things started getting nasty and I felt like vomiting and was glad about that later.

K8Middleton Mon 19-Aug-13 09:41:51

I don't think it's weird at all.

lottieandmia Mon 19-Aug-13 09:42:31

No, you're not weird at all. I don't like people being around me when I'm in labour - it makes me feel more stressed. My natural reaction when I'm about to give birth is to try to lock myself in the bathroom!

Laquila Mon 19-Aug-13 09:43:11

I don't think it's weird and wouldn't let it worry you, if you feel happy and comfortable with your plans.

Maybe you could make sure he feels involved in sme way, perhaps, in terms of giving him responsibility for parking, snacks etc.

Culd you possibly have your aunt or another family member there for support this time?

Tiredemma Mon 19-Aug-13 09:44:18

Thats re-assuring (both) - Ive been worrying that people (i.e. family) will find it odd that I would rather be alone giving birth whilst DP is outside.

Ive had lots of "ill come in with you" from various family members and its been really hard to say "no thanks".

ButteryJam Mon 19-Aug-13 09:44:35

Not weird at all. Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable

Tiredemma Mon 19-Aug-13 09:45:39

Thanks all-

perfect voices of reason!

ben5 Mon 19-Aug-13 09:49:14

When I had ds1 it was just me and 2 midwifes( one was training). With my ds2 My dh was with me. We aren't having a 3rd but if we did I would have the child by myself. It was much less stressfull

ImFineThankYou Mon 19-Aug-13 10:00:52

Nope. Not at all weird. If we're lucky enough to have another I'd rather it was just me and the midwife. DP is great but not in that situation. He just irritated me last time grin.
Good luck!

ratqueen Mon 19-Aug-13 10:02:06

Not weird! I'd have happily given birth on my own last time, and almost did as DH went home not realising how far on I was. It wouldn't have bothered me at all to just be with midwife/s. If your DP isn't bothered about being there, I say go for it.

Dramamama Mon 19-Aug-13 10:26:05

Not weird at all! In fact I think it's a very natural reaction after I had ds (dxp and dm were with me dxp fainted and dm was all in a fluster) I told the mw if I ever did this again I want to be alone! And I really meant it, it was such a strong feeling I almost cried! Luckily when I had dd dh was fabulous and very helpful/hands on which changed my perspective but I think you've done it twice before you know what you want go for it! smile

Tiredemma Mon 19-Aug-13 10:29:57

Thats the thing- at previous two births I had DP, my aunt and cousin (at DS1) best friend (DS2)- and whilst I appreciated support from aunt/cousin/and bf- I was mildly irritated by them throughout labour.

I know what to expect in labour now, I just don't think I need that level of support through 'sisterhood' all around the bed urging me on.

ImFineThankYou Mon 19-Aug-13 10:34:52

I think I want DP to be at the actual end part, he was so overwhelmed to see dc being born and coped well with that bit but for the rest of it, I was just mad at him! grin he couldn't do anything right (hormones much?!) and really got on my nerves. I am not a fan of 'cheerleading'.
Plans can change though so go with what feels right now and you can change your mind later.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Mon 19-Aug-13 10:35:32

Yoiu're not weird. Just do what you feel most comfortable with. I didn't have my DH in for either of my births as he would have been worse than useless. I did have my mum thouhg who was amazing.

If you feel happier alone then do it.

mignonette Mon 19-Aug-13 10:43:28

I didn't want anybody with me either. I wanted to retreat into a dark corner and be left alone. However my ex wanted to be there and as I felt it was his child too (and not his fault he was born malegrin), he had a right to be there.

Maybe have it recorded in your birth plan that your DH and you have actively decided on the course of action you both wish to take during delivery about who is or is not there. Make it clear to staff that it is a proactive decision based upon what you feel is best for your family unit not only during the birth, but more importantly, afterwards.

Too much emphasis is often placed upon the birth and not nearly enough about the more important (and longer!) bit that comes afterwards. Maybe parenthood wouldn't be so shellshocking if people focused less upon the 'perfect birth and more on managing the aftermath grin.

Good luck Op and both of you go with your hearts.

Emilycee Mon 19-Aug-13 13:09:44

I must admit I would rather do it alone! i just dont want dg to see me in such a state or poo myself blush

I am worried he will irritate me too! I would like to just get on with it with as least possible people because I get anxious and more people will make me more anxious!

Emilycee Mon 19-Aug-13 13:09:44

I must admit I would rather do it alone! i just dont want dg to see me in such a state or poo myself blush

I am worried he will irritate me too! I would like to just get on with it with as least possible people because I get anxious and more people will make me more anxious!

Emilycee Mon 19-Aug-13 13:09:45

I must admit I would rather do it alone! i just dont want dg to see me in such a state or poo myself blush

I am worried he will irritate me too! I would like to just get on with it with as least possible people because I get anxious and more people will make me more anxious!

Emilycee Mon 19-Aug-13 13:09:45

I must admit I would rather do it alone! i just dont want dg to see me in such a state or poo myself blush

I am worried he will irritate me too! I would like to just get on with it with as least possible people because I get anxious and more people will make me more anxious!

K8Middleton Mon 19-Aug-13 13:20:52

And she really means it!

TallulahBetty Mon 19-Aug-13 13:28:28

Not weird, but make sure someone is around if you change your mind. I gave birth alone (not by choice) and it was scary and lonely sad

Emilycee Mon 19-Aug-13 13:41:33

oh god really sorry for thr multiple posts! argh! anyone know how to remove some?! lol!

PeriodMath Mon 19-Aug-13 13:59:38

Not weird at all.

I also completely reject the argument that anyone has the RIGHT to be present at a birth other than the mother.

I did want DH there but cannot get my head around having a gaggle of eager family members gathered around watching - the horror!

mayhew Mon 19-Aug-13 20:09:05

Once I looked after a couple in your stuation, they had a home birth! He found being in his own environment much less stressy. He pottered about providing food, drink and playlists. He could contribute and not feel a spare part. A female friend supported the actual birthing.
It was very mellow. Very "Call the Midwife".

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