DS age 4 is being bullied head refuses to discuss

[slushy]

Right ds is in nursery he loves school and wants to go in whether he is ill or not, but a few weeks ago he waited till we got to the gates and said he felt ill and did not wanna go in. This is strange he normally hides it from me so I took him out for breakfast and quizzed further. It seems one of the boys has been hitting him and taking his glasses saying he is going to break them ds also said the boy told him 'his mummy didn't love him and was going to leave him in school'.

Now when I was talking about this my sister pointed out that this happened as well when we were in a indoor play area and that it was the same boy. On that occasion the boy squashed my ds in a room refused to let him out and stole his glasses. I went over to get his glasses and his friend said he didn't speak English( the friend was English the boy is not). I said I would get the lady to throw the boys out if they didn't give me his glasses the boy who attends ds school fetched them back.

Now when I spoke to my teacher she said she hasn't seen anything and all children hit each other. I told her about the incident I witnessed and was told oh yes the boy was in a funny mood and being a bit naught. But he does not speak English so could not have said those things' This sort of thing has happened about 5 times since I spoke to the head and she dismissed me saying we don't have bullying in my school. But I mentioned it to the other mothers without saying the name but they all new who I was talking about because they also have problems.

Am I being PFB? if not what can I do about this?

[fyimate]

I dont think you are being PFB at all. This would really get to me too.
The fact the school are ignoring it simply because he "does not speak English" is incredibly annoying.

Are you able to speak to this boys parents?

[slushy]

No the boys parents do not speak English the school actually called my ds a liar because they said the boy could not have said the things my ds said he said due to the fact he can't speak English. Now I can't see where my ds would have picked up that sort of thing and I usually know when ds is lying and he doesn't lie as such more exaggerates so there is always at least some truth there.

I don't really understand how would they communicate with this boys parents over development problems or other things there are a lot in ds school who speak the same language so should they have a interpreter?

[fyimate]

I would imagine so...how do they teach this lad if he speaks no English?
How very odd for the school to turn on your DS, I would think they are worried the parents will accuse them of being discriminant.
Can you not get the other mums to back you up? I'm sure faced with a group of mums confirming what you've said the school will have to do something.
I would also write a formal complaint to the school if they still refuse to acknowledge your concerns.

[slushy]

We have all gone in to complain to the head and that is when she said 'there is no bullying in my school, all nursery students have bad days they are still to young to control their temper,boys will be boys'

I am not sure if this is true or racial prejudice but some of the mums claim the school get more funding for having ethnic minorities. To be honest the situation is starting to concern me because some of the mums who were perfectly normal are starting to get quite racial.

I will right a letter thanks hopefully that will work I have tried to re-enrole ds in another school but the other school is full because they are constantly taking students who are being bullied from ds school .

I have no clue how they teach him but I have heard a lot saying their dc don't learn English till they start school.

[Lougle]

Sad as it is, and however difficult for a child who is hurt, I honestly don't think that a child of that age can bully another child.

Children of that age just do not have the sophistication of thought to actively 'bully'. Yes, they can take a dislike to another child, and yes, they can be nasty, exclusive, etc. But bullying requires a deliberate motivation to target a specific child or group of children, IMO.

At this age, the school should be increasing the level of supervision for the child who is having difficulty controlling themselves, and perhaps separating the children if necessary.

[fyimate]

Agree with the supervision. That makes sense. Maybe that's the angle you should take when speaking to the Head/teachers/writing that letter.
Explain your DS is upset about the other child's behaviour toward him and you would like to request he is supervised. Etc.
It might be worth seeing if you cant speak to the parents though, they must have an interpreter, I mean how else did they get their child into the school if they speak no English?
My DP says that if our DD is ever subjected to this sort of thing she should dish it back to them...

[slushy]

Lougle that is what I thought however the child does only pick on the boys and seems to be worse with the only two boys in the class who wear glasses. My ds and his friend who wear glasses are complaining everyday but the other children it is more like twice a week.

That is what the teacher said but I personally believe if it is not bullying and the school don't toughen up then surely it will become bullying. Whether or not it is bullying I am still not happy to send my ds who did love school in just to be hit because another mum has not taught her ds to share. I asked about separation and was told no because the other child needed to be kept in the class to improve his language but they would make my ds stay in while the other child went out to play do activities.

[slushy]

'My DP says that if our DD is ever subjected to this sort of thing she should dish it back to them... blush' I am ashamed to admit the thought has crossed my mind .

[fyimate]

That's not fair! That's like punishing your DS! I think your best bet is to remove your DS into another nursery and send a formal complaint.

[fyimate]

This is why I am going to enroll my DD into self defence classes as soon as possible.
I dont care the cost, if it boosts her confidence and protects her, I'll pay whatever.

[slushy]

I also intend to put him in self defense too, that is what I told the teacher but she grudgingly gave me a I will try to keep a closer eye but with a class of 30 it is rather hard you know.

As I said the next school is full due to transfers and apart from this issue the school is a really great one in all other areas so unless I go for boarding school I am stuffed.

[jobhuntersrus]

4 is very young to be labeled a bully. Many 4 yr olds have not developed the ability to see something from another person's point of view yet. They can still be very unkind and hurt one another but not normally with the objective to make the other child upset. Having said that it still must be dealt with properly. I would be very worried that they are not taking your concerns seriously. I would expect at the very least for them to keep a close eye when they were together. Also very important that your ds knows to tell a grown up at school when any incidents happen. Teachers and nursery workers can't see everything all the time so very important your ds tells someone so they can deal with it.

[fyimate]

It's a shame. The other option, which maybe a stretch is to see if you cant arrange a meet with the parents through the school. I would think the school would accomodate...maybe I'm wrong.
Given they dont speak English it maybe the only way you can all solve this amicably. Or you could learn a bit of their language and say, "I do not speak X (language) very well but really need to speak to you about your son, do you have an interpreter?"
Well I did say it was a stretch

[slushy]

I think I will I am not sure I buy that no one can speak any English so I will definetely try to speak with the mother I know the one she always stands alone and apart from the other people from her country.

I have suggested ds try to make friends with the boy as I happen to know he has no friends in school so I will see how that goes(I wondered if that may be a reason).

Ds has been told to tell a teacher when it happens, but he does not seem to tell them .

[slushy]

Actually fymate you have given me a idea my friend is of the same nationality so I could ask her to translate for me .

[fyimate]

There you go. If you approach her with intent to talk and even make friends she may really appreciate it.
She probably has no idea what her boy is doing. Just make sure you try not make her feel you are 'attacking' her, but talk politely and friendly.
Another idea is to even arrange a play date with her, with just your DS and hers. It could be her DS is just finding settling in quite hard and is picking on your boy because he doesnt know how to make friends. He is in a foreign country.
Maybe people have been mean to the boy, picking on him and he is just retaliating, you did say she stands alone, and it sounds like the other mothers have no intention of making friends with her.
Hope it goes well.

[slushy]

Thanks it is strange the mothers in my ds class are divided into four groups English, Polish, Portuguese and this woman stands alone I mean we all talk to each other but she doesn't speak to anyone which IME is extremely weird as the foreigners are usually quite close. Thanks for your advice hopefully this will fix things .

[fyimate]

I'm actually intrigued to know what nursery this is as my DD is half Portuguese and I really want her to be more immersed into the culture as her dad finds it "odd" talking Portuguese to her....he's useless.
But he did say he "knows when and where to take her" it's where some of his cousins live actually, London somewhere.
Funny thing is he actually hates meeting with Portuguese people. Very odd man :P
By the way, what's the fourth group, you only listed 3.

[slushy]

The fourth group is the lady on her own she is Portuguese and as I said I have many Portuguese and polish friends and I have never known one mother to be excluded before there closeness is why I usually get on with them so well. This is the reason I sent ds to the school because it has a broad range of cultures and I want him to have a varied view of other cultures and beliefs. There are more foreign children than English children in ds class.

The school also has culture days in which the children learn the others language get to cook different countries food and explore their culture. That is partly why the school is reluctant to do anything I think because they are known as multi-culture school and they don't want to offend anyone. It is a catholic school in Wales I have heard most catholic schools have a varied intake though and they all work to the same syllabus. This is why I don't want to remove ds. I think I should learn to speak some of both languages as I know so many and ds will probably pick loads up.

[fyimate]

That's great. I thought it would be Catholic, Portuguese generally are. I knew a couple who had trouble in Portugal because the wife was C of E and the Portuguese consilate refused to acknowledge their marriage status because it was done under C of E!
Do let me know how you get on!
By the way, this might help you; www.learningportuguese.co.uk

[slushy]

Thank you I do want to learn because I feel quite bad as I have loads of friends and I don't speak a word . I will let you know hopefully I will speak to her tomorrow .

[fyimate]

I have a Portuguese partner but still have to learn Portuguese by myself! It's a very difficult language too.

[slushy]

Hi just thought I would update I spoke to the mum today we got on great I didn't mention it, and ds came out of school beaming hand in hand with her son . He later told me that the boy was a good boy today so maybe all he needed was a friend .

[DinahRod]

Glad he had a good day.

DS was friends with a bit of a terror at that age and as a consequence was getting bashed and bitten. DH went to see the nursery manager and they said the boy in question was being much more closely monitored - I would certainly request this in your case and surely the ratio is not 1:30? We didn't see it as bullying btw but still it needed nipping in the bud as they are all learning soc skills at that age and what is and what isn't acceptable.

We also felt it was important to try and give ds the 'tools' to deal with it, so we practised at home saying very loudly, "No XX don't bite, it's naughty" or "Don't be horrible" to show the child it was unacceptable and to alert staff. We also told ds to tell a specific person straight away and it got a lot better. In the end XX's mother removed him from nursery because she felt it wasn't the environment for him.

[slushy]

Thanks DinahRod I will try that he should be practiced with his little sister I may also try a play date so I can see for myself what is happening and maybe encourage good behavior while there is a 1:2 ratio .

No there are two fully trained teachers and 4 assistants in ds class so 5:30. I don't think it really is bullying but I was concerned it would become bullying at a later date and to be honest I didn't really care what it was I wanted it stopped does that make sence?