What can I do to help Tom?

[tomsdaddy]

Tom is five. He's a bright, happy, helpful little kid. He used to love going to school. He's in reception.

Jamie is in Tom's class. He has Autism, and has a special teacher to look after him and help him.

Jamie keeps attacking Tom. He scratches his eyes and makes him bleed. He pushes Tom in the cloakroom and bangs his head on the pegs. He punches him and kicks him. We've spoken to the teacher on multiple occasions, and they have promised to keep an eye open for it. Usually when they do, it calms down for a while.

Yesterday, I had to warn school that it was building up again - I told Tom's teacher that Jamie had been kicking and punching him again, and that on Friday, he scratched his face again. I was told that they'd keep a close eye on him.

Tonight, when I collect Tom from school, the teacher rushes over to tell me that Jamie has bitten Tom on the arm. It's a bad bite - not quite broken the skin, but badly bruised. Tom has asked me tonight if he can stay at home with Mummy and me because he doesn't want to go to school anymore, because Jamie is always having a go at him. I've told him that I will sort to out for him, but he doesn't think there's anything I can do - ad to be honest, I'm wondering what more I can do. The school don't seem to be taking to be seriously enough, and I don't know what steps I should take next.

I know they are both only little - but I can't let my son get attacked like this almost every day. What can I, should I, do?

A.

[twolittlemonkeys]

I don't know what to suggest, sounds awful though. Your poor little boy. They do need to have someone supervising at all times IMO. Hopefully someone will come along who has experience of this sort of thing, my children are still preschoolers.

[jonicomelately]

How tough for poor Tom. I'm not an expert but I think you have to be quite assertive. The school have a duty to protect Tom. I think the least you should expect is a firm strategy to deal with the problem. Perhaps the easiest way is for Tom to move to the other class if there is one. Good luck

[WilfShelf]

No real experience, except that I searched MN recently and looked at various bullying sites for my own 5yo who is having a different but not unrelated experience...

Anyhow, standard advice seems to be it is the school's responsibility to protect kids from each other. Sounds like they're not doing this so next step is to record every incident and write to the head, asking what they will do etc...

Good luck.

[nickschick]

I think I would go into school tomorrow leaving Tom with someone at home and speak to the headteacher about how unsatisfactory this situation is,regardless of Jamies disability it is unfair to allow Tom to be bullied.

I would ask that school send you a written letter detailing the safety measures they have put in place and I would only then send Tom back to school with strict instructions to stay well away from Jamie and if he is approached to shout loudly for the teacher.

[Sithmummy]

Where is Jamie's 'special teacher' when this happens?

Have you spoken to her about it, or just the class teacher?

[losingtheplotthisweek]

Your poor little chap,I have a boy the same age and have much sympathy with what you're feeling.

I think that the school are not doing enough to protect your son. I appreciate that Jamie is autistic, as presumably do the school if he has a full time TA. However, this does not mean it's okay for your son to be assaulted by him on a regular basis. In fact, neither is it good for Jamie to not be protected from hurting your son in this way.

I would suggest that you arrange an appointment with the headteacher at your son's school. Explain to them that you are unhappy with what is happening and that you would like to know what strategies they have in place to help both boys? 'Inclusion' and 'safeguarding' are at the top of school's agendas at the moment. By not successfully managing one boys inclusion the school is not safeguarding your son.Do not leave until you feel satisfied that changes are going to be made which will help your boy feel safe at school.

If things have worked on a short term basis after you have seen his class teacher, then whatever happens during that time needs to stay in place all the time.

I hope this works for you tomorrow, but if not dont be afraid to take things further. I hope Tom has a much better day tomorrow.

[tomsdaddy]

@sithmummy - no we've spoken to the class teacher, we've not seen the special teacher around for a while. The special teacher is a nice person and seems a very capable teacher, but doesn't seem to be around before/after school.

The class teacher seems to want to think that the problem is solved all the time - she tells us its got better and we have to point out that it hasn't...

[tomsdaddy]

@losingtheplotthisweek - thank you very helpful words...

[whatwasthatagain]

Sorry but this is appalling. Ditch the nicey nicey attitude and demand that something is done. There is a girl with Asperger's in my DD's class and she bruised another girl's arm and the mother was in there creating merry hell. Your boy is being physically damaged by this child. Man up...

[MavisEnderby]

Have you approached the Headteacher?

I think this is your next port of call if not.

I know it is difficult if the child has a LD (i have a LD child myself who does have some behavioural issues at times though is not autistic and we work very hard with her on stuff like not hitting and o turn taking and sharing)

It is not acceptable that your dc is being physically attacked even if the child in question has a LD.

i feel for you and hope you get some
resolution soon.

[MavisEnderby]

Have you approached the Headteacher?

I think this is your next port of call if not.

I know it is difficult if the child has a LD (i have a LD child myself who does have some behavioural issues at times though is not autistic and we work very hard with her on stuff like not hitting and o turn taking and sharing)

It is not acceptable that your dc is being physically attacked even if the child in question has a LD.

i feel for you and hope you get some
resolution soon.

[mumblechum]

Tell him to fight back. I know the other boy's autistic so some would say that he doesn't recognise consequences etc, but I still wouldn't tell Tom to stand and take it, it's just not acceptable.

[MavisEnderby]

sorry,posted twice.

[MavisEnderby]

Mumblechum with all respect I don't think that is an answer.I think a meeting with the HT so that some additional supervision of some type could be put in place for the LD child and for this little boys protection would be a better answer.

[Sithmummy]

If I were you, I'd keep Tom at home tomorrow and make an appointment to see the head. If Jamie is supposed to have a full-time, 1-to-1 member of staff, the make sure that he has.

If this is happening in the chaos of the cloakroom before and after school, or at play and lunch-times, clearly Jamie is not coping with the situation. The TA should sort him out before or after the others so he's not being over-whelmed by them.

That sounded almost reasonable, didn't it?

Could you speak to Jamie's parent about the situation?

[goingnotavoting]

I would definately detail all the attacks on Tom - just the facts though. Emotion, whilst very understandable muddies the waters.

Then i would make an appointment to see the Head. Explain what is happening, show the notes, how you've approached the teacher, etc. Then ask how they are going to protect Tom from these attacks. They have a duty of care to each child and should be acting on it.

Please don't tell him to hit the other child though - violence is not the answer. The adults should be providing adequate wrap around care for this child - and as they appear not to be - need to have this pointed out firmly.

Good luck, hope you get some help for your poor boy.

[tomsdaddy]

I had decided to see the headmaster and express my displeasure - but I wanted to know what rights etc. I'd got. Where I could threaten to go next if I felt I wasn;t being treated seriously? Can I in some way make it an official bullying complaint - would they have to treat it any differently.... for example.

I have to be careful and have a plan for dealing with the HT - I could very easily loose my temper in a quite spectacular way, and then, all of a sudden, I'd be the one on the wrong, and Tom's problem would be ignored.

I need to know how to talk their language in order to make them take me seriously - the info about 'inclusion' and 'safeguarding' was most useful

[castlesintheair]

Write everything down in detail. Go and see the head with it. Ask to see a copy of their anti bullying policy. Don't speak to the parents (unless they are good friends).

[Hulababy]

Please don't advise him to fight back. he will onyl end up getting ito trouble at school and that won't help him - or te other little boy - in the slightest.

We have has big problems in class I work in after a child's dad suggested similar. It has not gone down well and has caused some real problems for both children - and the boy told to fight back is really siffering as a result. Really really really not a good idea, sorry.

You need to arrange a meeting with the head asap. Als might be worth asking for the SENCO to be there.

[Sithmummy]

Bullying issues should be brought to the attention of the Governing Body. Is there a parent-governor you could take to the meeting with you?

When my dh had a similar meeting with our son's head, he asked to record it so that he could discuss proposals with me. Makes them a little more careful of how they speak to you if nothing else.

Good luck and remember that Tom matters to you and what they do with Jamie is up to them so long as Tom is safe. It is really good for him to know that you are on his side and won't put up with others giving him a hard time. Lucky Tom.

[tomsdaddy]

I wouldn't advise Tom to fight back, I understand this is not the right way. Tom wouldn't understand the concept, its just not in him.

Could you clarify please? SENCO?

[MavisEnderby]

SENCO is the special educational needs co-ordinator.Jamie should have one,if he has,as I presume,a statement of special educatioanal needs.Most children who have learning difficulties have one and they liase with regard to issues to do with the LD child.HTH

[tomsdaddy]

@pixeonaleaf - he's already trying to steer clear at playtimes - the bite happened in the classroom...