How cna I help my ds

[sosadson]

My ds moved up to a new school in Sept & has reaaly struggled to settle in.
He started there a happy, confident, funny little boy & now he is just bloody miserable.

He has constantly complained of name calling, there has been incidents where he has been phycisally attacked on teh way home, hit, pushed & knocked over in school.
Friends have also told me that their children have told them that he is always teased, takes so much losses his temper & cries or shouts,swears back at them & they then hit him or torment him further.

I have been up to the school on numerous occasions, each incident is treated as an individual incident. The head doesn't accept that ther is a problem he says it is "perceived"
If it is perceived I ahve also asked the school to help ds deal with name calling, us just telling him to toughen up simply is not enough.

The only other school that I could transfer him to is closing next year & will merge with his current school so I'm not sure moving schools is an option.

What should I be demanding of the school, I'm happy to work with them, I'm happy for tehm to doi whatever it takes with ds to help him but so far all they do each time there is an incident is "talk" to the others involved, maybe a detention or removal of priveledges. Its just not working

I've asked the school if ds's behaviour is the cause. They say no.
They tell me he is well behaved & a delight in lessons.
DS is now seen as an easy target for everyone to make fun of & TBH the only time he is happy & like his old self is weekends & holidays.

I just don't know what to do next.
Please help

[Tortington]

the school should have an anti bullying strategy - have you seen this?

[cocolepew]

Go in and ask for a copy of their anti bullying policy, take it away and read it. If the school aren't implementing what is in the policy tell the head you demand action or report the school to your LEA.

[sosadson]

Thanks for the info, yes i have got a copy of the anti-bullying policy for the most part it is very general says things like " the school will respond with sanctions & in extreme cases exclusions" It literally is half of an A4 page.

TBH i've past the point of caring who they aportion blame to I just want it to stop.
The head claims he is not being bullied, his head of year & the head say he is not doing anything to warrant teasing.
So I asked them if they feel he is making it all up then, no of course not they say????
I'm in the process of writing to the governors but other than saying I want my happy boy back I don't know what I'm asking for.... they are meant to be the experts not me!

[cocolepew]

Write down everything that has happened, with dates if you can remember. Anything that happens write it down. Go back to themhead and demand it is stopped, get them to write down a plan of action how they will deal with it.
If it continues to be physical tell the head you will be going to the police, it's assault.

Keep on being a PITA, don't let up until it is stopped and you have your happy boy back.

good luck.

[sosadson]

Thank you coco, I started a diary a few weeks ago. I think i need to get tougher with the head, up until now i've been too nice, tried to see it from both points of view iykwim

[cocolepew]

Yes it's time to stop being nice you've been reasonable and it hasn't worked.

Let us know how you get on.

[annielouise]

Sosadson, I really feel for you as it mirrored the situation with my own son. I moved to a new area when my son was entering yr5. At his old school there was the odd incident but no pattern. He was eaten alive in yr5 at the new school. I don't know why - possibly because he was the new boy, jealousy (he's very confident and likes to join in - his then teacher said the class had been taken aback at how much he contributed to the class, sticking his hand up etc), and he stands out in various other ways - doesn't particularly like football, more into music which most of the other boys weren't. He was picked on mercilessly - name calling (gay etc), pushing, jumping on him, constant winding up. My son also started fighting back. The new school was much more physical in terms of sly little jabs and shoves which he wasn't used to. It drove him to distraction. He tried to ignore but it would build up and he'd end up hitting one of them after being goaded for most of the day and hit first. He was then labelled as having anger problems. Each incident was treated as a separate one; the school refused to see a pattern that he was being picked on so other kids felt they could do the same. They said it's not bullying as bullying is something that happens more than once by the same person - in my son's case it was happening more than once, just by different kids but the point I tried to make was my son was perceived as someone the other kids could bait into getting him to lose his temper. It was a vicious circle.

In my view, schools don't want to know. Easy to blame the victim. Like your son my son wasn't causing any trouble. He was also described as a delight to teach, polite and well behaved etc, not the least bit disruptive. I feel he was left to fend for himself. There's too much sitting down and talking about the problem between the kids and very little apportionment of blame that something is wrong so stop doing it.

Yr 6 was better although still more incidents. Yr 7 better again but still more incidents, the last ones resulting in my son now being home educated due to the constant harassment he was getting and the lack of support from the school. I've taken incidents to the governors. In my view they're all friends (heads and governors) and will close ranks and twist things round. I wish I could offer you some advice that would work but nothing did in my case. You don't say what year he is. If there was a chance of a fresh start in September at a new school where no one knows him I'd take it - break the pattern of how he's perceived by those other kids.

The only other thing I can add is one particular boy in yr5 was bullying him - there was more than one incident. The school did try talking to him but it carried on. I said if anything else happens (my son had been kicked in the chest leaving bruising from the football studs) I said I'd be calling the police - it stopped dead with that one boy.

[sosadson]

Thank you all so much, Annielouise your son sounds very similar (except mine loves football).
He is also in Yr5, very able, always has his hand up ready to contribute, he really wants to learn, is so enthusiastic but the result is once out in the playyground he gets called, Gay, nerd, boff, mummies boy, arse licker & much worse.
At the moment his desire to learn is still stronger than the bullies but I know it won't last forever apparently its just not cool to want to learn!

He is usually really sociable, all he wants to do at break time is kick a ball around with the rest of them but they see him as so uncool they don't want him to join in.

He takes so much name calling & then gets upset, just as you describe annielouise he is seen now as the one to pick on

We live in a very rural area so schools are few & far between, the next available school to transfer him to (one that isn't closing) is a 40 min drive away. I ahve another younger son who is at a local village primary in the opposite direction - I just ca't be in 2 places at once!

[annielouise]

Sosadson, it's horrible. They sound very similar. For some reason it's very uncool to want to learn. All I've heard since he joined high school is mums of kids who are older saying x doesn't want to appear a geek so they keep a low profile although they say this changes in yrs 10 and 11 when they realise they have GCSEs coming up. What kind of culture is that. This is not just one or two mums saying it, it's about 10 that I speak to in my circle.

As your son is, my son is enthusiastic and volunteers for everything. He doesn't care if it's cool or uncool, if he wants to do it he will - e.g. choir (just about the only boy). The name calling is awful. Of course, my son would then retaliate -e.g. calling one of them fat which is not nice but there is only so much he can take. In my experience he then seemed to be in worse trouble than the original troublemaker. It's not nice to call anyone fat but when I said this to him he said didn't I realise it hurts just as much to be called gay and he didn't say it first. I can't argue with that. How much is he expected to turn the other cheek at 10 or 11 which he was then. He would never just go up to anyone and say something horrible, he's never been like that. He just wants to live his life and have fun, pretty much like your son.

I have copied this from the teachernet website:
How does bullying differ from
banter?

1. There is a deliberate intention to hurt or
   humiliate.
   
2. There is a power imbalance that makes it hard for the victim to defend themselves.
   
3. It is usually persistent.
   
   Occasionally an incident may be deemed to be
   bullying even if the behaviour has not been
   repeated or persistent ? if it fulfils all other descriptions of bullying.
   
   I was told when my son was at primary that bullying has to be persistent and as on the whole they were one-off incidents - even though in my view there was clearly a pattern in that my son seemed to be the target by a lot of them - the school didn't seem to want to class it as bullying. It seems your head is doing the same. From the teachernet website though it says that it doesn't need to be persistent if it fulfils the other descriptions of bullying which I believe in my case and your case it does - i.e there is a deliberate attempt to hurt or humiliate and there is a power imbalance in that there's usually more than one of them. Schools in my opinion try so hard to apportion blame whereas my view is my son didn't start it and if there was no bullying in the first place you wouldn't have any trouble from my son as he just wants to get on and learn and play with his friends.
   
   If there is one particular child targeting your son I think I'd threaten the police to the school that if there are any further incidents you'll be reporting it. I think they'll sit up and take notice then. It doesn't matter what they think of you - they won't like you for it - but you have to protect your son. This situation is not your son's fault or yours. He is being bullied and the school has to act to stop it. It annoys me so much that you're going through the same thing - that they are treating each incident individually. I think it highlights a real problem - that primaries aren't addressing this problem and it is getting worse and worse and innocent children are suffering - particularly when they are forced into a position to defend themselves.
   
   My son's reaction to all this wasn't great - he's normally so placid and easy going yet his temper got shorter and shorter. On the other hand a friend's child internalised the bullying and ended up with anorexia, while another friend's child ending up self-harming. Please take someone into the school with you to speak to the head - preferably a man. Tell them any further incidents involving your son you'll be contacting the police - especially if it is someone who has done something to him before. If it's physical it's assault, if it's name calling or anything else that has happened more than once (only twice needed) then it is harassment. It's a sad fact of life that you have to get this heavy just to protect your child. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

[sosadson]

Thank you so much again, my son is usually placid & had not ever been involved in a fight of any description, his primary teachers all told me they never had to tell him off, he has always just been happy & loved school.
This is middle school so yrs 5 to 8, a bit like sending a 9 yr old to secondary school, much more freedom, have to move from class to class, mix with larger groups & some of them just aren't ready for it & I think emotionally my ds isn't ready for it - well not dealing with the name calling.
I have said I will contact the police because twice now he has been attacked on the way home (different boys), one set of parents were very concerned & their son has been disciplined the other mum said "Go to the effin police then they don't care he's only 9"
Thanks again for your advice & support I'll let you know how i get on.

[annielouise]

Sosadson, you're brave confronting the parents. This other boy might be only 9 so he's technically below the age of criminal responsibility but surely that means his parents are responsible for his actions then. I'd look up the law on whether they can be forced to take responsibility for his actions. Sounds awful if it's a small place where everyone knows each other.

How did the school respond when you mentioned the police? In my case I was told the school aren't responsible when things happen off school property but I don't think that's all the truth if both boys go to the same school and it is a continuation of what is happening in school - the school needs to take some responsibility for that.

I'm not sure what I'd do if he still has 3 years left at this school. It's awful. My son had never been in a fight in his life either till yr5, never told off for anything, not even talking in class. Are you ever emotionally ready for name calling? On a day to day basis as well? As adults we wouldn't put up with what your son is going through - being shoved and pushed around, verbally abused on a daily basis - we'd either be off work with stress or taking the company to a tribunal for failing to respond to a work placed bullying situation. I just don't know how you deal with it. You try to ignore them and they don't give up. You fight back and they still don't give up. Just tell your son how wonderful he is, how he's going somewhere in life (whereas those boys are just losers and sheep) and that this isn't his life forever. If you can get him through yr6 I'd consider a fresh start at a new school in yr7. All the best of luck.