Being ignored and excluded is ruining my DD's confidence.

[CogitoErgo]

This morning I dropped my daughter off at school. I don't get to do that a lot as I work full time, but every time I do I get a sinking feeling. Two of her 'friends' were in the playground running around. (I say they're friends because I've seen her playing with them in the past, they've been to her birthday parties and one of them has been around to play at our house a couple of times). I said to her 'go play with them'. She said 'I'd better go and ask if I can'. I've heard her do this before - she doesn't just join in, she asks and usually they say no. I tried to encourage her just to join in, but she insisted she had to ask first. When she did, they just pretended not to hear her. She shouted a little louder 'can I play' and I saw one of them shake her head, quite subtly as she knew I was there. My daughter got the message and just said to me sadly 'they said no'. I really don't know what to do about this.

Before she started school she was outgoing and friendly. Particularly in the last year (year one) all her confidence seems to have gone. I feel like she's getting the message that she's low down in the pecking order. These girls will play with her if there's no one else around, not otherwise. I think it stems back to last year to how she was treated by another 'friend' who is extremely dominant in the school. She seems to call the shots and early on she took a strange dislike to my daughter. Sometimes she completely blanks her and tells others not to play with her. Other times she lets her play and my daughter is so excited when she's 'allowed' to join in. This is really breaking my heart and I just don't know what to do. Can anyone help? The dominant girl is not in my daughter's class this year, but presumably she still exerts influence or else maybe the other children have decided that this is how my daughter is to be treated.

It's not that my daughter has no friends at all, she does. But she gets treated like this on a frequent basis and it is changing my little girl. I really want her to know she's special and to really know that she's as important and as loved as anyone else. I tell her this all the time, but I know her experiences in the playground are telling her something different.

I haven't spoken to her teacher yet, as for one thing I don't think it will do any good ... she's the most disengaged woman I've ever come across. I also don't want to rush in as I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting. As I write I don't think I am, but then another part of me wonders if these things just need to work themselves out.

I could really do with some of your wise advice.

[Crazy2]

Hiya,

As she has other friends I would play on the postitive, I would invite her other friends on a play date or sleep over and make a big fuss over it, for example rent a DVD, play games, that will get around the school and everyone will think that your DD is cool.

[Hullygully]

I agree with Crazy. As she has other friends really make huge and stressful efforts to have them over, take them out etc. My dd went through this at this age and it is v v upsetting. Big sympathy.

[minipie]

Oh the poor love.

I really do think that keeping up her confidence is the key, which you are already doing. Perhaps reassure her that it won't always be like this - that friendships change and next year things could be completely different. Could she form friendships outside school (clubs, etc)? that way she has some back up friendships and/or proof it isn't always like this.

Do you think you could you try again to persuade her not to "ask permission"? The others may see it as an opportunity to wield power and so may say "no" just because they can, IYSWIM. Unfortunately some kids can seek to secure their own social status by putting down someone else. Really the best thing your DD could do is to increase her own status by showing that she's not bothered by their "rules" (eg asking permission).

Sorry, that's all a bit rambly. I just hate that kind of subtle bullying, I hope things improve for your DD soon.

[minipie]

Yes, agree with Crazy that if you can give her some attribute that everyone else wants (eg cool play dates) that will also help up her "playground status". it shouldn't work that way of course but it does.

[Bonsoir]

You need to work on boosting your DD's ability to stand up for herself and not let herself become a victim of bossy children. My DD and another little girl got badly treated by another, very dominant and manipulative child, last year. I helped DD "solve" the issue by talking to the mother of the other victim and basically getting our two girls together, bolstering their friendship and teaching them to blank the other child.

It has worked well and both girls have grown up and found other friends now, none of whom are dominant or manipulative.

[CogitoErgo]

Thanks everyone ... it's reassuring to know I'm not completely over reacting or reading too much into things.

Mini - I did try yesterday to tackle the 'asking for permission' thing again. She's really defensive when I start talking about playing at school and I don't want to make it a bigger issue in her mind by labouring the point. She did talk to me about it for a bit though and said 'well sometimes L (that's the dominant girl) says I can join in'. So at least I know that it's still that girl who's behind most of it.

I'm going to make an appointment to see her teacher because I really think there should be things they can do to help the situation. They have held workshops on the SEAL (social and emotional aspects of learning) programme they run at the school so this will give them a chance to put some aspects of that into practice.

I'll let you know how it goes ... thanks so much for the support ... it really helps.

[tghrmum]

My DS finds he is never allowed to join the football game before or after school. Even though it seems to be a free for all for all the other boys to join in. I have seen him ask and been turned down, he also tried joining in without asking, neither worked.
He now has his own friends and is happy. I'd move her to the better school if she really wants to go.