I'm At Wits End

[coopersgirl]

Hello everyone.

Sorry for what may prove to be a long post, but I'd really welcome some advice.

Six months ago I moved my dd to a small village school with only five other girls in the class. This was due to an unresolved exclusion bullying problem which had escalated to some physical bullying. This situation wrecked dd's confidence and the new school were aware of this and gae her a warm welcome.

On starting at school we were particularly welcomed by one parent and her daughter.They were aware of why my daughter had changed schools. As we knew no-one there we were extremely grateful.

Now, it appears that five of the girls (including dd) no longer are happy in school as this one girl refuses to play with them, unless they play only her games and refuses to talk to them if they disagree with her (no matter how politely). She then tells the teacher and the year six pupils that they are being mean to her and bullying her. Or threatens to until they do what she wants. She also physically pushes around some of the smaller ones. I had to help one girl who was very upset explain to her mum why she felt so unhappy.

The class teacher constantly tells off the five girls and threatens them with sanctions. My daughter is distressed and ashamed to think the teacher might think she and others are bullies.

Other mothers have now explained that there have been intermittent problems, in the same vein,with this girl since nursery.

I would approach her mum discreetly and try to resolve this matter jointly, but she blanks me and crosses the road away from me now.

Has anyone any idea how this situation can be resolved? I'd be most grateful for help, as dd's confidence is taking a huge dive again.

[blinks]

i think in the first instance, the teacher is the best person to speak to. also, have you spoken to the other mother's to get a more rounded view of what's actually going on?

[blinks]

and if the teacher is unwilling to look at a different perspective, the head would be the next step.

[coopersgirl]

Hi blinks, thanks for the reply.

Yes, it's through speaking to two other mums that I discovered that there had been a previous problem with this. Apparently, it raises its head at intervals. I popped in for a quick chat as my daugher appeared in tears one night.The teacher appears to take the view that this person is being left 'out on a limb', even though the girls try to get her to join in. It all appears a bit 'passive aggressive'. They've even tried to compromise playing her game in the morning and theirs in the afternoon, but she won't have it.

It's really hard to think what to do.

[blinks]

would the other mums speak to the teacher too so that she sees the other side the situation more clearly?

[blinks]

how old are they?

[coopersgirl]

Sorry for delay in replying blinks.

The girls are 10 and are in year 5.

At least one other mum wants to approach the teachers, others are more sceptical, as they've raised this issue before and nothing was really done to deal permanantly with it.It was patched up for a while, but it keeps returning as a problem.

[blinks]

maybe the head might be best if there's no joy with the teacher... perhaps a letter signed by the parents of the pupils involved?

unfortunately though, it sounds like without the co-operation of the girl's mother, you might not fully resolve this situation... in that case you'd be best showing your daughter how best to deal with the girl's behaviour and try to rise above it as much as possible.

[DinahRod]

I suspect this mother and her dd made a beeline for you at the beginning, as a solution to her own dd's friendship problems and is now disappointed it has, again, not worked out.

Your dd is not at fault here. But you can give her tactics/the language for dealing with this tricky child, such as inviting the girl to play at school every day (once), and then if/when she refuses giving her a friendly, "ok, but if you change your mind come and play". If she does the 'I'm telling routine' then dd could say something like, "I'm sorry but I don't want to play that game right now" and "threatening to tell the teacher still doesn't make me want to play that game. Threatening isn't very friendly"

If the problem persists have a quiet word with the teacher that being accused of bullying /being threatened into playing with this girl is causing her some upset.

[coopersgirl]

Thank you so much for that advice DinahRod, it's very sensible and makes me feel clearer about what might be happening.

I particularly value the ideas on what dd can say to defuse the situation.

Thanks again.