bully rewarded for excellent behaviour

[PSCMUM]

dd been bullied for about a month, i have noticed real decline in her happiness level and she has gone very quiet and reluctant re school, where previously she had been happy, popular, chatty, confident etc. I knew something was wrong. It took a huge amount of persuasion to tell me - kids passing notes about her in class, reading them, looking up at her, laughing, passing them on. kids not including her in games and calling her horrible names like 'bitchface', also slight racial undertones - most of the kids in school are from one background, we are not, so kids were going up to her speaking in a kind of gibberish language and saying she sould understand as we are XXXXish. Sorry I am being really vague but I don't want to be identified and I really really need to vent! so i persuaded her at last to tell. we settled on teacher she most trusts in school,spoke to them, they said they'd take it seriously, would act on it, no punishment for bullies this time, give them a warning and a chance to stop, and then if that didn't work, sanctions would follow. teacher was true to his word, dealt with it that same day, and DD noticed a change immediately. One of the bullies apologised, another asked if she was ok. A good start I felt and so did DD. We are now working on forgetting all about it, being positive about school etc.
Imagine my surprise when today the school's weekly newsletter naming those who have acheived excellence -either academic, effort or behaviour - for DD's class named one of the bullies! And not even for academics or effort - FOR BEHAVIOUR!!!!!! I am so livid.
SPoke to teacher this morning who said 'O I'm not sure she was really the ringleader'!!!!!!! As if to say 'o but she was only bullying your daughter a little bit, so I thought I should reward her for that'

[PSCMUM]

I know - that is what I feel. Luckily DD hasn't seen it and probably won't as shows no interest in the list of achivements anyway. It is mainly a parent pleaser I think. But the girl in question will defintely have been praised by her parents for it. And in the same week as being told off for bullying. She will clearly get the message her behaviour is perfectly acceptable. teacher is such a moron.

[3littlefrogs]

You need to put all of this in writing, with a time line of incidents, names dates etc.

Get a copy of the school's antibullying policy and highlight all the areas that have been breached.

Make an appointment to see the head, and make sure a plan of action is agreed, in writing.

If all is not sorted out pronto, copy all to the head, the board of governers and the LEA.

Schools seem to be hopeless at sorting out bullying and the only way seems to be to be very assertive and proactive.

Remember to quote "every child matters".....

Rewarding a bully for "excellent behaviour" is shocking. (but not surprising IME)

[PSCMUM]

I'm probably not going to take it any further because the bullying has stopped. My DD doesn't know about the reward and so it won't impact on her life at all. And she has done so well to pull herself back together and go back into school and face them all after all this rubbish, that I just want to help her move on. I am not sure what would be acheived by drawing more attention to it, but I am going to harbour a life long grudge against the wholly inadequate simpleton of a class teacher. For ever. Disproportionate maybe but it is how I feel!!

[SoupDragon]

What was the time between telling the teacher about the bullying and the "behaviour" award?

[PSCMUM]

told them about it last wednesday. award given out today, monday, but awards lists drafted on friday, just printed on monday.

[cockles]

what if your child had been the bully, had stopped, and had then been praised for good behaviour? Wouldn't you be grateful?

[DecorHate]

it might be that the awards were decided on and newsletter prepared before you made the teacher aware of the problem? Rather unfortunate timing in that case.

Do keep a note of what has happened so far with dates, etc just in case it starts up again.

[PSCMUM]

i should make clear - teacher we told about it was not class teacher and it is class teacher who drafts award lists. But class teacher was told about bullying situation by the other teacher, so was aware.
Obviously was not aware that it was going on right under her nose, but that is another story!

[SoupDragon]

That is pretty shit then. I wondered if they'd either already been sorted or were rewarding the bully for changing her behaviour.

[PSCMUM]

if my child was the bully and had stopped and then been praised for good behaviour i would have been really pleased. But if my child was the bully, stopped and then given an award that raises them above the rest of the class for that week as exceptionally well behaved, i would have thought that was a bit fucking weird to be honest.

And no, I don't think they were decided on in advance. Also, the teacher tried to justify it to me this morning - 'she wasn't the ringleader' - so it wasn't 'o but she has done SO WELL not bullying for 2 days that I thought I should give her a special treat', it wasnt that, it was just a slack approach which makes me feel very much taht my child;s suffering is wholly irrellevant.

[gingertoo]

You must feel terrible

If the praise for good behaviour had come a little bit further down the line (when the bullies had apologised and altered their behaviuor over a period of time) I could perhaps of understood it. Praising the good bahaviour of children who have previously displayed bad behaviour is afterall a good way of encouraging the good behaviour to continue - In this case though, the timescale seems too short for this to be the case. It just seems grossly insensitive...

[PSCMUM]

I totally agree. I really really agreed that praising the good behavouir of kids who have changed their ways is an essential part of maintaining the transformation. I really understand that. I just feel that it took us a long time and a lot of persuasion to convince my child that school would take it seriously and that the teachers could be trusted. And this just feels that actually they think it is trivial and have not noticed in any way the level of suffering inflicted or the psychological impact on the victim of bullying - it is so undermining.

[3littlefrogs]

When ds1 was bullied at primary school he learned pretty quickly that the head was hopeless, the teachers weak and ineffectual and that the staff generally colluded with the bullies. He also learned that the children of well off and influential parents got away with behaviour that the others didn't get away with.

He was absolutely right, and sadly, these sort of standards are rife in so many work places, companies and institutions - education being only one of them.

[PSCMUM]

o how distressing.
that is just awful.
how old was he then?

[3littlefrogs]

He was 8. He is fine now, but I still bear a grudge.

[PSCMUM]

I don't blame you. Also DD talking about guest list for birthday party coming up soon amd included one of the bullies. Not sure what to do about that. May be good op to push her down the stairs, but apart from that, can't really see any plus sides. Also bit worried DD is trying to use party to get 'in' with the revolting bullies, rather than is inviting her and them being on an equal footing. Not sure. Haven't said anything yet, going to just keep an eye on sitation and take final decision when doing invites in a couple of weeks.