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Bullying

DS gets bullied but teacher wont help as ds is 'silly'

11 replies

frecklyspeckly · 18/02/2010 22:41

What can be done if we have complained several times to class teacher about one boy pushing over my son repeatedly and she just says each time she will keep an eye on it but nothing happens?

Ds is rather excitable and can be tiring but her is not a nasty or violent child.
He can also be kind to younger children and very polite. He is doing reasonably well in class.
To be frank she clearly does not like my ds for various other reasons. She has a reputation that she will not tolerate any silly behaviour and unfortunately she has inherited a class very full of headstrong boys. She is very strict and seems to want to 'break' him and a few other 'silly boys'.keeps them in at playtime for any reason and has stopped ds going to all afterschool activities for being 'silly'. This has not helped him make friends as she has singled him out as 'the silly boy' and he is now not allowed to sit on the same lunch table at school as other children.

Basically every time we complain he has been hurt she just fogs us with a response that 'it was both of them and ds came off worse'. He has been bruised, had his back covered in mud and his coat wrecked. Then she goes on about how silly ds is in class. He is 7.

Feel so depressed as she wont take our concerns with this boy seriously; surely she has to? should we go over her head to HT?

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BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 18/02/2010 22:47

I think it's normal for a 7 year old boy to be silly, no teacher should try and 'break him' but he needs to learn the rules of the classroom and be silly outside. It does sound like she's being too tough with him, as a parent who also has a child who has been through this it achieves nothing except for making them unhappy and paraniod that they will be told off for everything they do. This is no way for a child to live. You need to go to the head about this, if it were a child doing this to another child then it would be bullying. Poor mite.

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frecklyspeckly · 18/02/2010 22:58

thanks Belle for replying am feeling creeping dread for next Monday already.

DH a teacher himself and we have parents evening next week so he is going to speak to her as I am now so depressed I can't face going again.

She calls me back most days for everything and my nerves are shot.

She even rings me up at home to come in!!

we are trying to move house at mo to a different area so moving schools immediately not an option as we may have to move when the house sells.

The way it is going though we are thinking we may have to move him NOW and then move again if and when house sells

Has tested mine and DH marriage to the limit as at first he didn't see how bad it was and we argued most nights till midnight about if it was DS 'fault'

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moosemama · 18/02/2010 22:59

So sorry to hear your little boy is going through this. Its absolutely not acceptable for your ds to be bullied by this other boy and not have anything done by the school to protect him.

My ds1 was regularly bullied by the same group of boys over a three year period. I also used to get the "it was six of one and half a dozen of the other" comments as well as "ds1 isn't exactly innocent in all this" etc etc. We also found that they dealt with everything on an incident, by incident basis, never connecting the dots to see the bigger pattern of behaviour that screamed 'bullying'.

I finally had enough of it a few weeks ago, called the school and asked to speak to the head. They were reluctant to put me through at first, insisting it was a matter for me to deal with directly with his class teacher, but I stood my ground and explained several times that I had reported it to all my ds's teachers over the past three years and nothing had been done to stop the bullies. Basically I just kept restating my case until they put me through.

Within an hour the head had spoken to my ds, backed up his story by speaking to other children in his class as witnesses and then dealt with each of the bullies individually. I was impressed by how quickly and effectively he dealt with it, especially as the old head was hopeless and did nothing to help. The bullies concerned haven't been near ds since and as all the staff have now been briefed to keep an eye on them we are hoping that will be an end to the matter.

I really wish I'd put my foot down sooner as my ds wouldn't have had to go through all the nasty incidents he has endured since starting Reception year (he is 7 now). Unfortunately, he now doesn't trust the teachers to help him when he has a problem, as he has felt let down by them too many times in the past.

It does sound like the teacher has singled your ds out. I can't believe she has stopped him from joining in extra curricular activities and sitting him at a table on his own at a lunch time is just plain cruel. If I were you I would approach the next staff member up the ladder, so head of ks1 if he is still in year 2 or head of ks2 if he's in year 3. Alternatively go directly to the Head with your concerns. Put together a list of all the incidents you can remember, particularly the ones when he has been bruised and his clothes damaged and keep a record of any more incidents that occur. Your school should have an anti-bullying policy which you should be able to get from the office and it would be useful if you could get a copy and read it before speaking with the head.

I really hope you manage to sort it out for him quickly.

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BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 18/02/2010 23:07

I'd be reluctant to pull him out if the teacher is the problem, he'll have a different one next year, it's the label that he's been given that's the problem but I find that children (not necessarily the parents who don't have all the facts and hear "Terry swore at the teacher" etc, every day) forget easily and quickly. What sorts of behaviour are causing the problems for him? What does she mean by 'silly'? Ds used to get into trouble all the time by one particular teacher, all I'd hear was that he had been annoying the other children, nothing else. After talking to ds I found out that he'd been nagging children to play incase they changed their minds, I think I'd get annoyed if someone asked me to play every couple of minutes. After discussing what he should do with him he never had the same problem and found it alot easier to make friends, if I'd have found out earlier it would have made his life soo much easier. I also used to dread collecting him because I never knew what he'd got into trouble for. He doesn't pick up social skills as easily as other children so things have to be explained to him, teachers are just to quick to tell him off though which doesn't help him at all.

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frecklyspeckly · 19/02/2010 20:23

Many many thanks to both of you for your kindness in posting such long replies.Sorry to hear you have also been through similar experiences. It makes school truly horrible at times.

Very well done for having the courage to insist on speaking to the head, very soon I may well be doing the same. Hope I can be as brave as you and not get overwhelmed by my emotions (again).

Have had a chance to have a break this week from the relentless worrying which I think we all needed. Will keep you posted how this turns out.

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onebatmother · 19/02/2010 20:31

I would definitely ask to see the head, if I were you fs.

It seems to me that whether the teacher is following the school's bullying policy (they have to have one I think) is in question.

So if I were you I'd approach the head with two concerns:

  1. your ds has been being bullied and you want to sort it out
  2. DS's teacher has not taken your concerns seriously because she appears to have 'typed' him - you would like to address this issue.
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onebatmother · 19/02/2010 20:31

sorry wrote that in two parts and it's barely comprehensible. Shout if you don't follow..

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moosemama · 19/02/2010 21:14

Freckly, I am just the same. Anything to do with my dc's and I get overwhelmed by my emotions. I really hate it when my eyes well up as it makes me feel immediately undermined.

I think that's why it worked better for me to speak directly to the Head over the telephone. I did get a bit choked up and apologised, but he said it was perfectly understandable under the circumstances and I think in the end it helped me to convey how serious the matter was.

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frecklyspeckly · 23/02/2010 20:43

Well we had the parents evening.

Have had some progress as DH has addressed the issues directly with Head of Year.

Apparently they are pleased with DS progress (not what the teacher has been telling me!)and have been watching the boy in question who keep pushing him over since we last complained.

Can see no problems in terms of this boy directly picking on him in class but are watching. IMO will only be a matter of time until he does it again, and then they will have to address it. they did say the class is very physical in terms of incidences of pushing etc.

On DH request afterschool activities have been reinstated as long as he maintains his recent behaviour.

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moosemama · 23/02/2010 22:25

Glad there has been some progress freckly. Great news that they are pleased with his progress. Hopefully, things will continue to improve now. Is he going to be allowed to join the others for lunch now as well?

Is he in year 3? From my recent experience 7/8 year olds do seem to enjoy a lot of argy bargy. Pushing and shoving etc seems to be a theme in my ds1's class at the moment as well and they've always been known for being a nice calm class in the past. There also seems to be a lot of tit for tat, he said/did - she said/did stuff going on, its driving their poor teacher to distraction.

The bullies that were picking on my ds are also 'being watched' and so far so good. Although they were dealt with by the Head first so know they better not step out of line.

We have had to back into school ourselves this week due to quite a nasty bullying incident involving several year 5 boys and my tiny ds, which occurred in a dining hall full of children, teachers and dinner ladies. The boys were spoken to by a dinner lady after ds went to her in tears, but weren't dealt with appropriately in my opinion. So, I went and spoke to ds's teacher about it. She agreed that it was too serious for them just to be told off by the dinner lady and bless her she went straight away and investigated, found out who was involved and sorted the whole thing out.

One good thing was that ds managed to tell a dinner lady and then dh and I rather than getting angry and trying to deal with it himself. Hopefully the positive outcome will reinforce what we've been telling him about telling an adult if there's a problem in future.

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policybabe · 27/02/2010 20:16

Hi we had to make a formal complaint against my sons teacher last year (he is 9 and has SEN). Similarily she had a reputation and repeatedly failed my son who is well behaved but partially deaf and has speech & lang diff and comprehension difficulties. Following several incidents it ended up that she sent him to stand against the wall on the hottest day of the year without sun hat, shade or water for 20min playtime because he & his friend put their arms around eachother during the school photo. Due to a genetic condition he recieved severe sunstroke & sunburn which can cause fibromas to develop. Unfortunatley for her I work in schools supporting children with SEN and am a Public & Social Policy hons degree student so I destroyed her through knowlege of professional stadards, legislation & legalities. Sorry to sound harsh but her treatment may have caused long term soft tissue damage and has permenently traumatised my son, who isn't rough or aggressive - he actually lacks confidence & is very obedient but gets confused & is easily led. I strongly strongly suggest you continue to monitor the situation closely as I suspect she will continue to be unpleasant - you know your son better than anyone so you'll soon know if somethings not right. Make a backdated list of every meeting/phonecall etc you have had with the teacher/school for you reference & keep it safe. If it starts again I strongly suggest you follow written statutory proceedure, you've raised enough verbal concerns & she won't change unless she has to. Request a copy of the school complaints proceedure,type a formal letter of complaint outlining why you are complaining and itemising the events, dated if possible. Document every discussion held/concerns etc and make sure you clearly quote in direct reference to statutory law. Set a time limit by when you expect the matter to be delt with in accordance to stat proceedure. We utilised a local charity called SNAP Cymru which I think may be national - check it out - they were fantastic at helping us to access the relevent info & organise it as effectively as possible to pack the greatest punch. You need to pull the rug from beneath her & you can only acheive that if you know how to manipulate the schools complaints proceedure & LEA statutory/non statutory requirements against them. I'd also suggest getting in touch with the family Social Worker at the LEA for support, raising your concerns, most of all, be firm, uncompromising and NON APOLOGETIC - you are the only ones who can stand up for your little boy, don't allow this woman the opportunity to continue her disgraceful and highly unprofessional behaviour. In situations like this policy can be a hugely useful tool if you know how to manipulate it to your benefit. Take time out to put together a strong complaint, wishing you the best of luck

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