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Bullying

school over-reacting and not seeing things as they really are??

10 replies

Bridget019 · 18/02/2010 20:56

My son started school in January after being in full time nursery. He only knew one other boy who would be going at the same time as him. On Saturday last I got a letter home from the school saying he had bitten this other child he knew without provocation and that "alternative action" would be taken if any further problems were to continue. alternative action would be exclusion.

My son (in all the time he has been in private nursery) has never bitten/hurt another child.. On more than two occasions he has been hurt by this child in question.

When I spoke to the head he suggested that my son was targeting this other child and was an aggressor. the head said my son had been snatching things, pushing and kicking this other child. I simply do not understand why my child is doing such things. He has never been an aggressor and he was always the victim in nursery - getting hurt etc.

I feel that the school have now labelled my son as a bully and I am frustrated that they believe such things. My child has never hurt anyone in his life.

I believe the school are not seeing the situation fully as it is really happening. I believe this other child is perhaps picking on him and the school are just picking up on my son fighting back to protect himself.

I don't want my son being perceived as a bully when he is far from it. I don't know the right way to go back to the school when term starts again next wk. Any ideas?

The school have said that they are separating my son and this other child as much as possible throughout the school day so hopefully this will alleviate the problem.

I need your help!

OP posts:
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cornsilk · 18/02/2010 20:59

The head sounds like a bit of a wanker TBH. Put in writing the occasions when your child has been hurt by the other child. Did you inform the school at the time?

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activate · 18/02/2010 21:05

You can't comment on stuff you don't see. But you can work with the school to help sort it by accepting their concerns and asking them how they plan on supporting your child through this unsettled period.

This will give you the opportunity to mention casually how it is a role reversal as previously the other child has always been the aggressor.

Work with the school not against them.

And just because you haven't seen your child bite before doesn't mean it isn't totally normal for a 5 year old to go through a biting phase.

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cornsilk · 18/02/2010 21:07

'And just because you haven't seen your child bite before doesn't mean it isn't totally normal for a 5 year old to go through a biting phase. '
very true - threatening exclusion as a sanction is OTT.

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Reallytired · 18/02/2010 21:14

It is very difficult to exclude a child, especially a child who is so young. I think you are worrying far too much.

Prehaps your child is being bully. He may well be acting out aggression that he experienced as a nursery. Often bullies have been bullied themselves.

You need to ask the school what they are doing to monitor the situation. If your child's behaviour is so bad then he will need an IEP to help him develop his social skills.

Prehaps if he has help to learn to be assertive then it will prevent him from being bullied as well as giving him alternative strageries to hitting when social situations don't go his way.

Prehaps the school could observe him at break and see what the triggers are.

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PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2010 21:20

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spiderpig8 · 06/03/2010 19:00

When my DS2 was 5 he bit a child out of the blue, he'd never done anything like that before and the child he bit was a lovely quiet little chap.Never got to the bottom of whty he did it but he has never done before or since.Fortunately the school were sensible and he just missed 5 minutes of playtime and I din't even know anything about it til another child enlightened me.
I think your school are getting things way out of proportion and I wouldn't put it past them to invent the other aggressive behaviour to justify their stance.
Let it go , the very vast majority of 4 and 5 yo boys are aggressive I am sure your DS isn't thought of any differently to the others .

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tghrmum · 16/04/2010 20:28

My DD had a biting phase (Me mostly) and she has been bitten at Nursery.
I dont know whether or not your child is being bullied or is the bully. But an experienced teacher will know. Work with them to get your son help either way.<br /> Problems dont go away by denying the possibility or believing children (they ALL lie I am afraid).

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Littlefish · 16/04/2010 20:51

I think it's wrong of the school to write to you rather than talk to you either face to face, or over the phone.

However, I don't think it's OTT to raise the issue with you.

As others have said, this may be a situation which has developed recently and about which you have no knowledge. In my opinion, the school should have been talking to you as soon as they saw any kind of pattern of behaviour emerging, to discuss the strategies they were intending to use.

However, I think you need to stop being defensive, and hear what the school has to say, before assuming they are wrong and your son is right. Many children go through phases of biting, or targetting other children. They should be offered help and support to guide them through this phase.

You are not at school with him every day, and haven't seen the way he reacts in a group of 30 children.

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Sophia95 · 20/04/2010 20:22

It seems to be extremely unfair to threaten exclusion of a reception aged child without exploring other options. As Reallytired mentioned, if your son's behaviour is so bad, a state school would put an IEP in place (Individual Education Plan). I don't know about Private Schools, but I'd imagine their approach would still be similar to this.

It would definately be worth keeping a record of your son's reports of bullying, and asking the school to do the same for your son's behaviour in school. Even if it is true that your son is acting out at school and biting, this is surely a sign that something is up and that he is unhappy in some way.

It would definately be worth trying to work with the school on this one if you can, or you will be perceived as unco-operative, which would give weight to their case.

Another point....a week can seem like a lifetime to such a young child. It could be that in a very short time all this will have blown over and be forgotten by the children involved.

What a terrible situation for you to be in. I really feel for you. Good luck.

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cat64 · 20/04/2010 20:42

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