Bullied and I've lost faith in the teachers

[Alexking]

Please can anyone help. My 9 year old son feels bullied in school but the teaching staff tell a very different story. Kids can be cruel and they often are where my son is concerned. The trouble is he has a tendency to retaliate and it is then him who gets into trouble rather than the bully. In fact in many instances where there has been a fight, my son is punished more severely than the other children involved. I have urged him not to retaliate but to tell the teacher when he is upset by another child but he says when he reports an incident to the teacher they tell him off for telling tales rather then dealing with the issue. I have been into school to discuss the issue with the head teacher, but his response was to tell my son that "You are so much bigger than the other children in your class you must look very scary to them" He is very tall but this was not the response I was hoping for. He isn't the best behaved little boy in school and because of this he seems to have got a bad name for himself which he cannot shake, because of this whenever something happens, the teachers assume it is him who is in the wrong. I no longer know who to believe but have to say I am inclined to believe my son over his teachers and I just don't know where to go next. Every time I raise an issue in school it seems that the teachers are doing everything they can to placate me rather than finding a way to help my son. I'm desperate to make school days happy days but am beginning to feel that the teachers are the perpetrators of the bullying - one day when he was sent to another class, the teacher told the rest of the class "now he's out the way we can have some fun" He feels he is treated unfairly by staff and I'm inclined to agree. I don't know how to help him so any advice would be great.

[abride]

Ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor. My son's situation wasn't as bad as yours sounds but it did seem to help my son a lot to come up with strategies.

It also made him aware that we were taking the issues seriously and doing all we could to help, and that, I think, went a long way to helping. We used CAHMs and if they think there are institutional problems at the school they will get in touch with the head.

[Alexking]

Wow, I've never used this forum before and am impressed at the speed of your response so thank you It's good to know I'm not alone. We've already been referred to CAMHS. They suggested doing a CAF form to get everyone together to talk. The teachers tried to take control of this, stupidly I agreed and went through the form with a teacher taking notes and promising to type up the form and add their comments then email me a copy to check and sign before sending it off. It was very important to me that he form was as honest and inclusive as possible so I did detail my feelings that the school was discriminating against my child and making personal comments regards his height and also his hair which is shoulder length and very curly (he thinks he's a 'surfer dude') teachers have told him it looks scruffy and insist he ties it back (my daughter who's hair is also long has never been asked to tie back her hair and their are many other girls who also wear their hair down). Despite the teachers promise to send me a copy of the form they did not. Instead they sent it straight to CAMHS without my consent and before I had seen it! When I complained and pointed out that they had breached data protection rules, they sent me a copy of what had been sent. To my horror, they had removed all statements that implicated the teachers and added notes that looked like they blame me. They also removed statements I had made re concerning behaviour at home. In response to this I have told the head to keep the * out of the CAF form, I will complete it and submit it to CAMHS myself. Sadly I think my reaction has made things worse, Bullies don't like it when you point out the error of their ways. When I talk to the school they make me feel like I'm in the wrong. Do you think CAMHS will be able to do something for us?

[abride]

That's dreadful. I found CAHMS very good and supportive. That might be down to our individual counsellor, who was lovely.

[Heated]

Can you write to CAHMs and say that the school have deleted your input - and include your original comments?

And the school can't have it both ways - your ds is doing as he is told, retreating from confrontation, but is not being listened to when he tells them - and that then gives him mixed messages, he is doing what he is being told but gets told off for it?

I'm guessing though that the incidents arise at play time and not under the supervision of his teachers? And have they, for instance, appointed him a personal mentor that he can talk to and be his advocate, or given him a time out space for when it all gets too much - a buddy bench or somewhere similar?

Do you think your son has the verbal tools to deal with confrontation/teasing?

Role-playing an incident at home that has arisen might give him different options about how to react - it's not enough for children to be clinically told what to do, when it all happens in the heat of the moment there isn't a lot of thinking going on; being shown in advance gives them a plan of action and confidence to deal with it appropriately.

[Alexking]

I have the original version of the CAF form without the deletions so I will be taking my own copy to our next CAMHS appointment later this month and hope that they can do something to straighten things out.
I like the idea of role playing since my son does have trouble verbalising his feelings, his self confidence is very low (an issue which I believe is worsened by the troubles in school) and as such responds to teasing either by completely withdrawing into himself or alternatively he becomes excessively angry and lashes out. The incidents are indeed mainly in the playground and he has been told he can go indoors to talk to a teacher of he needs to but the dinner ladies will often tell him off for going in at breaktime. He also feels that when he does talk to someone they don't listen to his side of the story, in one recent incident, a bully pushed him to the floor and knelt on his throat!! I as called into school because my son "hit the child and tried to scratch out his eyes" when questioned about the incident my son said "but mummy he was kneeling on my throat and I couldn't breath, I was only trying to get him off. I did put my hands on his face and try to push him off but I didn't scratch his eyes" In my opinion when a persons air supply is restricted, the natural reaction is to try desperately to free oneself, I do not believe the teachers comment that he tried to scratch out the other child's eyes. As a result of this incident, my son was kept in and playtimes and lunch times for 2 weeks, but tells me the other child involved (who started the whole thing) was only kept indoors for the rest of that day. Since the school cannot/will not confirm the punishment given to the other boy, I only have my sons word to go on. I discussed this with the head and told him he needed to let my son tell his side in full but the head was unable to listen, each time my son started his story he was interrupted with "but we know that's not true" and "but that doesn't mean.........." the poor kid was not allowed to tell his side of the story and after I pointed out, no less than 3 times, that the head had interrupted we left feeling very frustrated. My son says "there is no point telling the teachers when someone is mean 'cos they don't listen to me, they only listen to the children they like because they think I'm a naughty boy"
I don't know how to deal with it from here as I feel the teachers are victimising him and are lying to me about it.

[Heated]

I typed something vaguely articulate and then deleted it by accident and now have lost the flow!

But how absolutely frustrating for you and ds

Really they should observe him over a week to see what the flash-points are and put strategies in place for helping him. That's were role-playing and a personal mentor are so beneficial.

What makes me cross is that some schools do seem to resent the time and effort that this takes, yet the rewards are they spend less time sorting out incidents as a result, the whole class benefit from less disruption and ds is a much happier child.

The teachers themselves model how ds is to be treated and if they are dismissive of him and treat him as a perpetual problem then so will the children treat him callously and dismissively.

Hopefully CAHMs can have an impact - when is the meeting?

[ommmward]

"One day when he was sent to another class, the teacher told the rest of the class "now he's out the way we can have some fun""

Whether your child is an angel or not, he has turned into the school's "naughty boy". He will never shake that perception, IMO. He could be completely biddable and docile for the next two years and he'd still be the naughty one.

Either you have to help him find strategies for surviving in a hostile environment, and only you can help because the teachers are not on his side, evidently, or you have to get him out of that environment. School is not compulsory. Education is. Many of us educate our children at home, and you would not believe how many HEers have children who have been mercilessly bullied at school, and who rediscover their confidence and ease and zest for life once school is out of the equation.