Am I right in thinking that low level, continuous bullying happens to some children in every school .....?

[clumsymum]

Because from what I hear, this seems to be the case.

Ds is 10, in year 5. He has some physical differences to other children (webbed skin between his toes, scars where webbed skin was surgically dealt with as a baby), plus he has the misfortune to have a mum who is disabled in a very obvious physical way. He is brighter than the majority of kids in his class.

Now there have been issues for some time about his temper at school, and we (school and home) have spent a lot of time working with him to manage this. He has had an IEP in place for his behaviour issues since year 2.

However, many of his temper episodes are sparked by other children calling him names/calling me names to him/teasing him regarding his feet etc etc etc.

This term he is REALLY trying to manage his temper, and not get into trouble. We do the whole "sticks and stones" bit with him, he has taken it on board, and seriously is trying.

There have been 2 episodes already this term however, where he's been given red cards. On the first, his teacher did ring me to explain that she knows he was provoked by 3 children, and they were given warnings (he got the red card cos he actually hit one of them, whereas they 'just' taunted him). In the second, a known bully hit him first, he hit back, and got a red card, I don't know what happened about the other lad.

We have a meeting scheduled to review his IEP, and DH is getting himself ready to broach, in a very firm way, the issue of the constant taunting and name calling that ds endures. Basically his take is that they can't expect DS to manage his temper if the pressure which sets it up is always there. He does seem to get some sort of verbal abuse every day, which he just get's told to ignore if he reports it. But our view is that a chap can only endure soooo much, and school don't seem to be able to put a lid on the taunting.

We are worried that this whole thing will get much worse when he moves on to a huge secondary school, and are currently looking (with some desperation), at how we could afford private school (which is what my father did to solve the problem for me).

[MintyCane]

This is a good book for helping kids deal with bullies in a positive way.

www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I don't know what else to say except so sorry he is having a hard time and I hope it gets better in the new school

[mumblechum]

I don't think he'd get any less bullying in a private school tbh.

I also suspect that things are going to get a lot better, not worse in a large secondary for these reasons:

1. He'll be with a whole bunch of new people who know nothing about his toes and prob. won't notice.

1. Even if they did, there will be kids with all sorts of oddities/different races/whatever which may make webbed toes seem v v unimportant

1. You'll find that the kids at the new school won't even get to know that you're disabled unless they're invited home for tea etc as he'll be going to school and coming alone on the bus or train.

1. Kids generally start to become much more mature and accepting of difference from secondary school age.

For the time being, I'd try again with the school but once nasty little bullies start picking on someone they often don't stop till they're at separate schools.

[clumsymum]

I'm quite sceptical of your comments mumblechum.

[mumblechum]

Oh.

I was trying to be helpful and positive, but I hope you're not offended.

[clumsymum]

No, I'm not offended, but I don't believe that secondary school won't be worse.

Firstly most of his current class would go up with him to the local comp, taking their current grudges with them. They can then join up with the other oiks from the worst parts of our town, tell tham all about DS, and double the efforts, in a school of 1200+ with far less playground supervision than they get now.

It was secondary school where my problems started, and I was moved out by age 13, to a small, selective independent school, where the only incident I ever suffered was immediately stamped on by the staff (but most of the kids were bright enough to realise that my difference didn't make any difference).

[mumblechum]

Ah, I see the problem if they're all going en masse to the same school.

DS knew absolutely no one at his new school but I guess in your circs I'd be looking into independent as well.

[kittybrown]

You really could be talking about my son. He's in Yr6 now and finally things are settled.

You really need to be firm with the school. Write down all incidents and write a letter to the Head. Ds was also teased so much he would retaliate and get in trouble while the tormentors didn't. For a long time it was blamed on ds's behaviour and anger.
The book minty posted has been a life saver for us it enabled ds to hold his head up high realise it's their problem not his.

Words may not break bones but they still hurt.

In the end we sent a 3 page letter listing dates and incidents and what the school had done to the head. They put some fantastic strategies in place and ds now feels safe and more importantly believed. He has had to adjust some of his behaviour as well.

Good luck

[MovingOutOfBlighty]

Hate to say it, but I am very short and had very bad eczema at school and suffered low level bullying at a very large comprehensive.
Had none at all at the private school i was moved to. Just my experience.
hope your son is OK

[clumsymum]

MovingOut, yes that was my experience as well, so thats why we feel that independent school might be THE solution.

[MovingOutOfBlighty]

I agree. You should go with your gut experience.

[kittybrown]

Are there any other secondary schools close by?
We are not going to send ds to the local one that everyone who has made his life a misery is going. We are going out of catchment.

[Shanm]

My experience, the many other mothers I've talked to, and the research I've checked all confirm that "low level" bullying is epidemic. That is standard everywhere.

I don't think it IS "low level." All that means is that it's not putting people in hospital or driving them to suicide. Huh.

Have you looked at the online schools? They do live interactive classes and discussions these days and they are now quite established. Fees start at £1800 a year which is a lot less than ordinary private schools.

There are three in the UK for secondary age children up to GCSE exams.
All of them are pretty good but fairly different.

Interhigh is a good general tutoring service. More for the busy parent who is less interested in being involved. NC based. Quite big last I heard getting up to 200 children.
www.interhigh.com

First College UK is much smaller, about 30 young people, strong on social skills and work discipline run by home educators who are also teachers. Good at handling bullying survivors. www.firstcollege.co.uk

Briteschool is an easygoing service that accepts part time bookings. good for techie types. www.briteschool.co.uk

[GhoulsAreLoud]

My memory of my time at a large comprehensive is that we had a big group of bullies who picked on people pretty indiscriminately.

They used to 'have it in' for certan people, and target them. But really, anyone would do.

Have no experience of independent schools but I remember the sheer relief of going into the 6th form at the same school and realising that none of the bullies had stayed on. Have such fond memories of 6th form that I certainly don't have of the years before that.

[cocolepew]

The school should be dealing with the tauting and not giving him red cards. If he wasn't being provoked he wouldn't have a problem with his temper.

My DD has started secondary school and any bullying is dealt with swiftly and firmly. But the teachers have to be told about it.

[SylviaGarland]

Sorry to hear about this and I hope your ds gets settled in a secondary school where bullying is not tolerated.

I know his anger is a problem because he gets into trouble, but I do think that is a normal and healthy emotional reaction to the situation.

Obviously he's got to keep self-control, but feeling angry is a better response than having a victim mentality and getting depressed.

Hope it all works out well.

[noodle6]

I think its interesting Shanm mentioned online secondary schools as I've never heard of them before. Worth a try... but since its such a new concept, not sure if there are many reviews about it to help you make a decision rather than just taking the plunge??

[motherbook]

The easiest thing to do is get onto your County Council and ask to be put through to the Anti Bullying Team. We did this at our school and they came in and worked with both sides of the equation in a non-accusatory way. They can work in school with the children or at a childs home. Depends on what would suit your child. My son didnt want the school to know they were helping him. Two sessions in and his confidence is much better now. Then they started to work with another child in school. Their remit is that they are totally neutral, just there for the kids and to help the school bring in a culture of kindness. Do it. Phone them.County Councils put huge amounts of money into dealing with bullying at Primary and Secondary Level so use the resources available. Good luck