How would you deal with this??? A bit long - sorry :(

[gingertoo]

Last summer, the 13 yr old ds of a friend of mine threstened my ds (10) with a pellet gun. This understandably upset ds who came straight home and told me. I spoke to my friend who dealt with the incident by confiscating the gun. (why he had a gun while out playing unsupervised is beyond me but that's another story.......) My ds was so upset by the whole thing that he wouldn't go out and play on the fields on his own with his friends for the rest of the summer - he'd play around the garden or go out when we did.

Anyway - this summer ds decided that he would start going out to play again. I was glad and I thought it had all blown over. All has been fine until this last week when the older boy has started 'picking on' ds for 'grassing him up' last year. It started with snide comments but has escalated to him pushing ds off his bike.

When ds came home last night he told me that this boy had pushed him over a hedge. I immediately went out to the street, found the boy, and (very reasonably - how I held my temper I don't know) asked him to leave my ds alone. I told him that I wasn't going to tell his mum and dad tonight, but if anything else happens, I would. I also mentioned that big kids picking on little kids is really quite sad....

Anyway, my dh now says that by speaking to the boy I might have made things worse for ds? Do you think I have?? I really hope not I can't stand by and let another child injure my child (he's covered in scratches from the hedge) and get away with it can I? Ds has had the guts to tell me about it so surely I would be letting him down big time if I didn't help him deal with it?? Should I be helping him deal with it himself - if so, how?

I feel so useless - ds is my eldest and it's the first time I've come across anything like this and quite frankly I don't know what to do for the best - Any ideas??

[gingertoo]

anyone?

[twinmam]

Hi Gingertoo. Sounds to me like you handled it in a really sensible, non-aggressive way. How else would DH want to deal with things? Has he offered any other suggestions?! My DCs are only 16 months but I was a secondary school teacher in my former life and IME that is the way to deal with teenagers - assertively and with respect. Agree that not doing anything would have given your DS the wrong message and let him down. I'd also say that if things persist (I have a feeling they won't) do follow up with your threat to tell the boys parents. They aound as reasonable as anyone who'd give a child a gun to play with could be and dealt with things last time. Besides anything you have shown your DS that he matters to you and that you will fight his corner but in a reasonable way IYSWIM which is an important lesson.

[gingertoo]

Thanks twinmam - that's reassuring. At the time I followed my instincts and did what I thought was best, but afterwards I started to worry whether I'd done the right thing - especially with what dh said. Sadly, he was badly bullied as a child and his parents came from the 'happens all the time, pull yourself together, stick up for yourself' camp - I'm thinking his horrible experience might be clouding his judgement on this one...

[twinmam]

Poor DH The fact that his being bullied was such a big thing to him (in that he has obviously spoken about it) suggests it wasn't dealt with as he might have wished. I agree with you that your job as parents is to support your child, not send him out to stick up for himself at 10 years old, bless him! I honestly think you have done the right thing and I bet you will find that things get better, not worse, for your DS. Good luck and well done for not beating the nasty 13yo to a pulp - very restrained!

[gingertoo]

lol at 'beating 13yo to a pulp'!!!! Very tempting!!!