UNHAPPY 3 YEAR OLD :(

[SilverLady67]

Hello -

My little boy who is only 3 seems very unhappy at Nursery.

Most days he has to go he doesn't want to and for about a half hour before we're due to leave the house he starts saying he wants to spend time with me and not go!

I try telling him all the mundane things I am going to be doing but he insists that doesn't matter.

Being as he's not statutory I am at a cross-roads as to what is best. Do I continue to send him even though he seems so unhappy (quite often he is fine when he's there, other days they phone me to come collect him as he's just not settled). OR do I stop sending him altogether?

I want him to know that what he says and feels is ultra important to me and that I truly care but am also aware that when he starts 'big' school there will be new rules and he will HAVE to go regardless if he wants to stay home or not.

He is a sensitive little boy, very kind and gentle.

Any advice welcome.

[hotcrosspurepurple]

poor child sounds a bit unsettled
imho I think the nursery have made this worse by phoning you to go and collect him
i would never do that in my nursery
sounds more like the staff have a problem, not your little boy

they should be experienced at getting children settled
I don't think it would benefit him if you took him out. Like you say, he will have to go when he starts school.
I would suggest a meeting with the staff, ask them for some help and ask them about their stratagies on dealing with this sort of situation.

What sort of setting is it? The staff seem not to be able to cope
He can cope, he has proved it, if some days he is fine.
It is normal for some children to say they don't want to go to nursery, it's a seperation thing mostly.
Can he take a cuddly toy from home?
Does he do long days?
Is there a child there that he is afraid of?
Or, a member of staff even?

[SilverLady67]

Hi and thanks for your response.

I think some of the children there are a bit more, shall we say active, than my little one. He has been hit, pushed and most recently bitten. He has had paint splattered on his clothes. He hates being messy.

His Nursery Nurses husband died during February Half Term and she is still on Leave. He has had another one covering her absence but I don't reckon he's taken to her.

However, he has not settled prior to this.

School should be a fun time for children to enjoy and I just don't feel he is

[Gorionine]

When you say "he's not statutory" does that mean you started him early but he would be allowed to stay home with you by law (sorry, English is not my first language)?

Is he in nursery because you are working?If so it is not an easy situation foe you.

FWIW my I did send my daughter to playgroup (she was 2.9yo so a bit younger than your DS)She did not settle at all and I took her out. I was a bit worried when she was due to start nursery (7 months later) but she actually settled there strait away. She was just not quite ready for it a few months before. If you do have a choice I would suggest to you to take him out of nursery.

[crokky]

What sort of nursery is it? Is it part of the school that he will be going to - if it is not, I would immediately remove him. He is clearly unhappy and I would give him a break and then try somewhere else.

[SilverLady67]

He goes for 2.5 hours each afternoon. It's not attached to the school he will be going to. I just thought he would enjoy the social side of Nursery.

Statutory means he is not legally bound to attend Nursery.

I don't work I am a full-time s.a.h.m.

I had sent him to a Nusery when he was 2.5, he didn't settle and so I removed him, I just don't want to send the message that he can leave school if he doesn't settle

HELP!!

[Thrifty]

Hi :-) i don't know if this would help, but my ds finds pre-school very tiring. Do you think 5 afternoons is a bit much, or is he starting school in september? Would it be possible to send him 3 mornings instead? Ime ds wouldn't cope with 5 afternoons either, he's 4 in september. I'm wondering if your ds would find it easier to settle in the mornings when he has more energy and enthusiasm, with the promise of doing something nice in the afternoon maybe?

[Gorionine]

He might just not be ready yet though. I would wait until he legally has to go myself, and prepare him in the meantime for when he HAS to go by trying to make him more confident. Do you go to toddlers groups at all where he can "socialise" while you are still present? this way you can "observe" his attitude in a group of children and maybe work on area that need a bit polishing like self confidence, sharing, talking to other children, being more independent from you so you can have a coffee with other mums without him sitting on your knee...just little things really and praise him for things he might struggle a bit with but still goes for IYSWIM?

[ellingwoman]

He's got years of statutory schooling ahead of him so just enjoy him being at home with you. Send him once or twice a week if you want but not 5 sessions. Most children are tired in the afternoon and just want to sleep. Legally he doesn't have to be anywhere until the term after his 5th birthday.

[examtaxi]

If you don't have to send him, take him out and maybe try again in 6 months. Afternoon nursery is very tiring for some children.

He is still very young.

[Uriel]

I'd take him out or just send him for a couple of afternoons only - maybe ask which are the quieter times? Or could you send him for just a couple of mornings, when he'll be less tired?

[SilverLady67]

The Nursery that he attends is actually attached to a school but not the one he will be going on to.

The only reason he goes there is because he dad works there and I used to pre-motherhood.

They only allow children to attend wither 5 mornings or 5 afternoons. There are no half measures!

He starts Reception in September.

Being as I was educated in Ireland I don't really understand how the system works here - do you HAVE to send them to Reception or can they just start at 5? What is the criteria?

[Kayteee]

Hi SilverLady,

Did you know that you actually don't have to send him to school at all if you choose not to? School is not compulsory in this country and you have every right to Home Educate your dc or even send them to school at whatever age you/they feel ready.

I have Home Educated my two sons for nearly 4 years now and we've never been happier.

If you're interested there is a Home Ed Topic on here (Mumsnet) and also Education Otherwise is a great site for info on HomeEd.

It's just a thought, sorry to butt in,if you already knew this was an option, and good luck with it however you decide to deal with it.

[noavailablename]

The school/nursery policy would make me worry about how much they actually understand child development TBH.

3 is very young - some children can't cope with 5 sessions a week, especially if it is in the afternoon - he may just be exhausted.

Have you talked to the nursery head about this?

They don't actually have to be in education until they are 5 AFAIK.

[IndigoFairy]

My little girl (2.8) has been finding nursery tough too. She goes two mornings a week, so a bit different from your situation but is also naturally quite a gentle & very sensitive girl & has been a bit scared by the other children's pushing etc.

I am hoping (HOPING) she is turning a corner now. I met (outside nursery) with her nursery school teacher & talked to her about best coping strategies - talked about whether to take her out & she felt in this case best to give it more time (we're giving it one month). We've been teaching her to shout 'no' if someone pushes her or takes her toys and also showing her that a lot of the time she thinks someone is pushing her, it's actually someone just brushing into her by accident.

I also got her some books - 'how to join in', 'how to be a friend' which she likes and might be working, but of course impossible to really tell. Good luck!

[preciousmum]

Hi There.

Don't feel under any pressure that he has to be at nursery full time .My son is almost 4 and half now.He was a very very mummy's boy.we started going first to playgroups,to socialize with other kids while i am there as well.and then took him to nursery just 3 morning a week up to now,so he can still have his nap at home.and now he loves it so much.Also i will advice you if he can make a friendship with someone from the same nursery that you can meet up outside the nursery environment.
And good luck