DS suffering a bit - not sure about the school's response

[Quattrocento]

DS is in Year 4. He's suffered some persistent low grade bullying from a boy at his school since year 3.

The incidents include kicking, shoving, threatening etc. DS never initiates and never fights back.

There was an incident that was witnessed in Year 3 where DS was pushed over very violently resulting in a bloody face and thumb. The school wrote to the boys parents who were allegedly "mortified".

The situation hasn't changed. DS stuck a note in the form worry box saying that he was worried about being hurt by this boy, and his teacher told me that the other boy was very physical and that he thought bullying was too strong a word for what was going on.

I only found out about the worry box note this week, although it happened in September. I'm feeling very upset that DS felt isolated and despite telling us repeatedly about kicks/shoves etc we haven't been doing enough to help.

Anyhow on Wednesday he received a flying kick in the stomach resulting in bruising.

I'm really upset about this. How can the school just be minimising and trivialising repeated instances of physical harm? I've phoned the Head - awaiting response.

[edam]

Oh, poor ds! School response is crap and clearly Not Good Enough. Whatever the aggressive boy's problems are, they are NOT ds's responsibility and the school should be keeping ds safe.

Have a look on the Dept for Children, Schools and Families website, and on Kidscape's, for info about how schools SHOULD tackle bullying. And then go and give the head a hard time and copy in the governors. And obviously I'm sure you've reassured ds that this is Not On and he must tell you about anything that happens so you can deal with it.

Also think there's a case for saying enough is enough and giving ds permission to defend himself by hitting back. If the school is failing to take its legal responsibilities to keep ds safe from violence seriously, then ds has the moral right to defend himself. (Self-defence is acceptable in law as long as it is proportionate although obv. the boy is below the age of criminal responsibility etc. etc. etc.)

Would ds be interested in taking up a martial art so he learns how to deal with aggression? I think martial arts classes teach one how NOT to use violence rather than become aggressive but might give him some confidence.

[edam]

(btw, I'm planning to send ds to martial arts lessons when he's a bit older due to my own experience of bullying when I moved to high school - I had no idea how to deal with physical violence having never experienced it.)

[sowhatis]

How you are keeping your cool is beyond me. Id be speaking to the parents of the boy personally.

i would arrange a meeting where both sets of parents are involved and the school.

do let this go, the boy is behaving horribly and his parents need to know the impact thhi is having on your ds NOW.

[sowhatis]

i meant 'don't not 'do'!

[Quattrocento]

Thanks both. I like the idea of a martial arts class, and a bit of self defence. DS is physically tall and strong but a big softie really.

I'm just so shocked by the teacher saying that bullying was too strong a word for it, literally the day before he was kicked in the stomach

[edam]

teacher sounds as if they are really not taking this seriously enough. Do check out those websites and get the school to wake up and start to do their job.

[sowhatis]

do u know the boys parents - talk to them or find out who they are. they may well be shocked and not hearing any of this from the school.

I think self defence classes are a fab idea and would send my children as soon as they are old enough.

i wouldnt wait for a call from the head either - i would sit outside his/her office and wait to speak to them today.

[seeker]

Ask today for a copy of the school's anti bullying policy.

Ask for a formal meeting with your child's teacher and the Head teacher to discuss the issue (take someone with you to this meeting)
Do these two things today.

If you are not happy with their response, get an appointment with the chair of governors.

[Quattrocento]

Thank you all. Feel so sorry for my gentle little DS - he really would never hurt a fly.

I'll do all of the things suggested immediately and stop being teary. I can't imagine why I didn't do more earlier. Feeble, really. I just thought the incidents were isolated and would blow over. A bloody worry box note, can you imagine?

[Belgianchocolates]

Your school's response doesn't sound appropriate at all. There is no place for hitting/kicking in a school even if the teacher thinks it's not bullying Personally I think it is bullying if your ds is worried enough about it to put a note in the worry box. Definitely grab hold of that teacher and even the head teacher a.s.a.p.

[edam]

don't feel feeble, you trusted the school to do their job. Lots of parents have children who were/are bullied, you aren't the only one and you aren't solely responsible for this. It's the school and the little thug who are to blame.

( OK, he may be having problems of his own, but there are no SEN as far as the OP knows and an eight year old is big enough to know right from wrong.)

[Stayingsunnygirl]

Bullying is repeatedly doing/saying something that upsets/hurts the other person - at least, that's my understanding of the dses' last primary school's antibullying policy - and clearly what is happening to your ds fits this definition to a 'T'.

I agree that you and ds need to meet with his teacher and the Headteacher as soon as possible. This other lad may well have problems, but the school is doing him no favours by allowing him to carry on with this behaviour, and they are definitely failing in their responsibility to protect your ds!

Ds3 was the target of a bullying incident at his old school, where two boys tried to shove his head into the urinals. I was so incensed that I contacted the police that night and was told that I could report it formally as an assault, if we so chose.

If I were you, I'd be pointing out to the school, that your son is suffering repeated assaults that cause injury, and you would have every right to report this to the police - which is what you will be doing if this is not stopped at once.

I wish you well with this - I know from personal experience how painful it is to watch your child suffer bullying.

[seeker]

Don't forget, make the appointment yourself - don't wait for them to contact you. You need them to realize that you are proactive in this. Take someone with you to the meeting, your dp, or a trusted friend. And try to take notes. At the end say something like "So, this is what we have agreed will be done" Then list the points - referring to your notes. Then say "Do you agree?"

[seeker]

Please don't mention the police - do you really want to get them involved in an issue between two little boys? I do think you might weaken your case if you do that.

[cocolepew]

The teacher is wrong it is bullying. Go to the head and keep on at them until you are satisfied. My DD was bullied last year, I saw the teacher immediately and she swore it would stop.

Two weeks later I went to the Heads office every day for a week until it was stopped. The bully's were in the school concert and hockey team and they had 'important' matches coming up . Don't be fobbed off.

I hope you get it sorted I know how awful it feels as a parent.

Good luck.

[gscrym]

Ask for a copy of the anti-bullying policy. Get a meeting with the head and then ask the head to organise a meeting with yourself and the other childs parents. If you aren't satisfied, contact the education authority.

We had to go school about DS being bullied last year. Head knew nothing about it although we had sent letters in and spoken to DS's teacher. It was sorted out that week. DS was allocated a member of the management team to talk to if he felt sad or upset or if anyone was annoying him. This has worked really well.

One thing that did annoy me was that his new teacher (started once we had spoken to the head) said 'they just don't get on do they'. I pointed out to her that this was not the case.

Good luck with your DS. Does he have any other friends at school so he's in a bigger group? Safety in numbers and everything.

[Stayingsunnygirl]

Seeker - in the incident I described, the police were happy to advise us, and didn't feel that it would be disproportionate to make a formal complaint to them. And the OP needs someone to do something - it seems clear that the school are failing her ds at the moment.

If an adult was regularly being physically attacked by another adult, leaving bruises and bloody injuries behind, would we consider it silly to involve the police? No, of course we wouldn't - so why is this different? The OP would far prefer the school to deal with this, I am sure - and it would be far better dealt with by the school - but in my experience, mentioning that the police had been consulted put a rocket up the school and led to some pretty swift action!

[Quattrocento]

Am listening, thanks all, and downloading from the sites listed. Good thoughts. The head is calling back at 2.30. Will report back.

[Malkuth]

If you contact your local council and ask for the Parent Partnership dept they can help you by allocating you an Independent Parental Supporter (IPS) Volunteer. They are trained to support you in cases like this where you feel the school is not taking you seriously, and are also knowledgable about your rights.

Really feel for your DS and hope you get a satisfactory resolution.

[Quattrocento]

Update - do you think this is a satisfactory response from the school?

The Head called the boy in to discuss the stomach-kicking incident, and "really told him off leaving him in no uncertainty that this was unacceptable behaviourr". This was before the morning break. Much to the Head's mortification, the boy went out for morning break and punched another little boy in the stomach. So she has called the parents in for a meeting. Apparently the parents are "working with the school" and "are fully aware of their son's behavioural issues and are not in denial about it".

I asked her what the next step would be if this boy did it again. She said he would be put on restricted playtimes. Well that sounds like it's really going to have an impact, doesn't it?

After restricted playtimes, they will do a suspension.

While this whole process trundles on, DS is at risk of physical harm from this psycho.

Short of withdrwaing him from school, what more can we do to protect DS? My thinking is a letter to the governors, explaining the incidents so far, making it clear to them that they are responsible for DS's physical safety while DS is on school premises. If further incidents arise we will take further action.

Re police involvement, the boy in question is below the age of criminal responsibility.