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Bullying

So worried about my DD (but it's not bullying) is it?

4 replies

stellsie · 19/01/2009 18:33

Dont know where to start really, I promise I will try not to ramble!

My DD is 10 (almost 11) and in Year 6. We have a 3-tier system where we live so she moved up to this school in Year 5. There were a couple of friendship issues during Year 5 (her best friend from first school made other new friends quickly and my DD got left behind and 'left out'), but towards end of Year 5 DD made what seemed like a 'best friend' and also mentioned a few other names of girls (none of which I knew, at middle school you dont tend to do collect and drop off, they walk home generally). Anyway the last couple of months DD has told me & DH on quite a few occasions that - let's call her No.1 friend - doesnt want to play with her and 'goes off' with another new friend, leaving my DD on her own. This No. 1 friend is very quiet and my DD is not that quiet, but then again she's not 'in your face/loud' either. I think really the friendship hasnt lasted because they are different, but although I have gently tried to explain this to my DD she still (even today after school) says "oh they didnt want to play with me again today and they stayed inside at lunchtime drawing pictures while I went and stood outside in the playground by the wall". So today I asked (as I have done on other times she has told me this has happened) "why not go and find someone else to hang around with during lunchtime, what about ..... or ......." - I dont think I'm being pushy (I dont want to tell her who to play with FGS!), but she says "but they play IT or Bulldog and I dont want to run around really" (she has had a throat infection and last week tonsilitis - spelling) so she is not herself at the moment anyway. Then another group I suggested she says "well i do like her and her, but they hang around with boys and I dont like any of them"

I think as well she doesnt know how to go up and say "Hi, can I hang around with you". I sort of suggested that too but she then just looks a bit upset and says "ok mum can we not talk about it anymore". I said "ok but you are telling me you're not happy standing in the playground on your own so I'm trying to suggest things".

All I want is for her to be happy, is that too much to ask? I have told her she has to help herself, I can't physically go and get friends for her! She says "I know I know". I have taken the stance lately of leaving her to get on with it, but it's very very hard thinking of her on her own, if she is not happy being on her own. Over the past 9 months (if not longer) me and DH have suggested her joining lunchtime clubs/after-school clubs but she makes excuses for everything we suggest, so then we think "right let's just leave her to make up her own mind". She has gone through all the 'usual' out of school activities over the years such as dancing, rainbows, brownies you name it, but currently doesnt want to do anything. She has recently given up horseriding lessons (my mum & dad treated her to some lessons for her birthday), she was getting on well and enjoying it, but one week she had a bit of a scare and almost came off the horse, since then has not wanted to go back - i cant force her can i?!

The other day we had another chat and I asked her (after leaving it for a few weeks) if she would like to start up something out of school again, she said she didnt want to do any sports type clubs, apart from trampolining. So I am in the process of looking at that, also she has shown interest in a cookery club that is being run after half-term - nothing to do with her school though - she loves cooking.

I really feel fed up - for her - and at the end of my tether, worrying worrying worrying! My DH emailed her form tutor back in October about all this but he assured DH that she is a popular member of the class and seems to have lots of friends. BUT HE ISNT IN THE PLAYGROUND AT LUNCHTIME AND BREAK OBVIOUSLY!

Any advice would be greatly received, thank you so much...

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3littlefrogs · 19/01/2009 18:44

This can be totally normal at this age.

Perhaps she just wants a bit of sympathy and a cuddle, but doesn't want you to interfere IYSWIM.

Sometimes it is just good to let them get their feelings out.

Kidscape is really good, and she could read the advice on their kids' page.

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Hassled · 19/01/2009 18:52

You could have been writing about my DD when she was that age - I resorted to getting DS1 (at the same school) to spy on her for me, to report back what was actually going on. And a lot of what my DD had been telling me was exaggeration - things weren't nearly as black as she had painted. That said, I do think girls of that age can be absolute little cows to each other - blame the prepubescent hormones - and it's also the age where lots of children start to have self-esteem issues (suddenly realising taht actually they're not in with the in crowd, and caring about it) for the first time.

It's very tough to you because this is a battle you can't fight on her behalf - all you can do is listen and be there for her. And persist with getting friends home, or for sleepovers, trips to the cinema at weekends etc etc - sometimes the girls who do much of the excluding at school are lovely on different territory.

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stellsie · 19/01/2009 21:21

thanks for replies. i will have a look at kidscape, i've not heard of it before.

I did wonder if maybe there was a bit of exaggerating going on - unfortunately my son is younger so not able to 'spy' for me! Just come back from a SATs meeting though and gave my friend a lift, we sat in the car chatting for an hour and I told her I was worried about DD (my DD walks to school with hers and they've been friends since they were 3 - but her DD is very outgoing lots of different friends etc) - she said she will, in a discrete way, get her DD to keep an eye on mine at lunchtimes. I dont want her DD to include mine if she doesnt want to but at least if I know someone is looking out for her!

I will ask DD if she wants to sort something out for a friend to come over next weekend, this is the other problem, because it is a middle school I have to rely on DD to ask a friend to do something, I cant ring the mum because I dont know them!

My friend mentioned the possibility of periods making their appearance and this could be making DD feel a bit all over the place too.

She's had a lovely time with her dad anyway while I've been out, playing on the Wii and reading their books together!

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milliemixy · 13/08/2010 14:16

Just read your post and realised it was 09, i have similar problem with my dd has yours been resolved now if not it would be good for them to meet if you are around or not too far away from Buckinghamshire.

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