This still upsets me. I am a grown woman, AIBU, should I just get over it?

[anonymity]

When I was in my early teens I went on a school trip abroad. I was a bit apprehensive as I was a shy and home-loving girl, but thought I would be OK as my (so-called) friends were also going. I was sharing a room with them (there were 3 of us in the room). The room had a double bed and a single.

The first thing that upset me was that neither of them wanted to share the double with me. I can understand teenage silliness over bed-sharing but felt really hurt at the nose wrinkling, as if I was smelly / dirty or something (which I was not).

The first night there I was very ill with food poisoning. I don't think I have felt as ill before or since (even with morning sickness). I crawled out of bed to be sick repeatedly and ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor just so I was near the loo. I woke the other two, unavoidably, and heard 'yuks' and other sounds of disgust and annoyance at being woken coming from the bedroom as well as sniggers.

I was so ill I didn't care but I was feeling homesick and sad (just wanted my mum) The following morning I felt well enough to return to my bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, one of them had daubed red paint or make-up all over 'my half' of the sheets as if to make it look that I had a period and had bled all over the sheets. Cue more uncontrollable laughter and then eventually peace as they went out for breakfast and I stayed in bed.

Why would anyone do that?

I have never told anyone about this before, but it had a deep and lasting impression on me and I don't recall the teachers doing anything (I think I was too ashamed and ill/ fed up to say anything anyway). I think when I finlly got up, the sheets were changed. I spent the rest of the torture 'holiday' (haha what a fun time I had ) in the bed with the other girl putting pillows down the middle of the bed to 'protect' herself from me.I think this has affected how I trust and relate to people as an adult. 

This is not a troll. I am too ashamed to post it under my regular name. I don't know what I should have done, or if indeed there is anything I still should do - seek counselling perhaps? It has been cathartic to write it down.

[Sycamoretree]

I don't think you are a troll, and I'm sorry this horrible thing happened to you.

I think the best thing you can do is to try and put it into context. Most people are victim of bullying to some greater or lesser degree when they are children, and it really is ALL about the bullies, and nothing about you, do you hear? It's about their weakness, need to be accepted and not you. All of them secretly thanking god it was you who got targetted and not them - a different day, it could have been.

I'm hoping other MNetters come along and share their similar stories because by doing this, you will realise just how much you are NOT in the minority, and hopefully it will make you feel less ashamed etc. I was constantly falling in and out of favour with the queen bee at my school, and she used to tease me mercilessly about the fact I had no boobs (I was 11)in front of the boys. I used to die with shame and once even resorted to violence with her I was so enraged.

She eventually left the school and it was like a watershed. Everyone said how much of a bitch she was and how they hated her. To an extent, we had all been on the receiving end of her poison, to greater and lesser degrees.

Try not to look back - I know it's hard. Try not to let it define you.

[Ineedmorechocolatenow]

God you poor thing. What bitches. I'm appalled that the teachers did nothing (did they know?). I'm not surprised you're carrying this around with you. Things like this really stay with you. If you feel it'll help, I'd recommend counselling as it might help to talk through your feelings. It may have affected other aspects of your life since that time.

[stuffitllama]

Even for bullies that's truly nasty and planned and vindictive. Sorry it's still with you but these things do hang around don't they.

I just want to follow Sycamore's lead and say you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with YOU because it happened. I was bullied at school and I'm a pretty normal person. She is right -- it is and was their problem.

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

What horrible girls.
You got unlucky - most people don't behave like they did, you were unlucky enough to end up with people who did. As Sycamoretree says, it's all about them and not about you.

I think counselling is a great idea, it would provide a structured way for you to work through the problems this has caused.

[HelenBurns]

That's hideous. You poor thing.

It takes me back to a school trip I went on at 13, I was also the one nobody wanted to share with. It haunts me to this day, it was just awful really - school trips make everyone feel insecure and scared at that age and that means the bitchy ones get really bitchy and nasty and groups are formed and some people get sneered at because that is what's required to make the bitchy ones feel good/brave/old enough to cope iyswim.

In retrospect, I got the single room (everyone else went in a group room, they chose each other and another (really unpopular and strange) girl got picked over me) purely because I was quite serious and would not have been 'fun' ie I didn't really understand the mucking about mindset they all employed, the awful singing in the back of the coach etc - I didn't take part. So I wouldn't have been much good when they wanted to play tricks on people at midnight.

It was a lonely week but I think they actually were afraid of me, and that carries some respect - they thought I was too grown up or clever to act like a moron. And they were nice to me when we got back.

I bet there are loads of us on here with a story like yours. Please remember it wasn't your fault.

[Lemontart]

When teenagers are insecure (or adults for that matter) they spend so much time worrying about themselves and how others perceive them that all the empathy and ability to think about anyone other than themselves goes out of the window. Your awful bullying experience, from their angle, was nothing about you and everything about them. You were the unfortunate victim of their self centred, insecure, hormonal teenage bullying.

I am so sorry you went through this. I was bullied at school and can relate to how it has a lasting effect on you. I find female friendships very hard to sustain and find it very hard to trust any female friend. It is hard not to let it have a negative impact and I can rationalise it away. Stopping the unconscious effect on your behaviour is the tricky part.
You have a right to be upset about this and angry, however, if you try to understand why they did it, even feel pity for how silly and insecure they must have been feeling to have such hang ups over sharing a bed etc. then perhaps you can see it in a less personal and damaging light. It is not about you, it was about them back then.

[HelenBurns]

By the way like Lemony I also find it hard to believe anyone female actually likes me. But I already felt that way before the incident. I think it has something to do with my mum not really liking me. Other kids probably sensed I was anxious about being friends with them and didn't feel comfortable, and it just kind of became true.

I wonder if your original family set up might have had an influence rather than this trip?

[anonymity]

It was the cruelty of doing something like that combined with me being so ill that was especially hurtful. It has left me very ashamed of menstruation. It has left me with the assumption that deep down, everyone is like that until proved wrong. They had never done anything like that before.

Although I was generally pretty bullied, thse two had always been ok until that point. The feeling of being so alone and so far from home was undescribable and the fact that it still traumatises me to such an extent concerns me.

[Sycamoretree]

Oh, and I have boobs now. Great big 36D's [proud emoticon].

Seriously, it might be helpful to talk to someone, but also to break it down and reduce the importance of each element of the event.

If I can explain - someone once gave me a great tip for reducing stress, especially as I was having a lot of trouble with a difficult boss/personality at work.

You basically shrink the person (or event, or persons) down in your mind. Until they are really small - small like Mrs PepperPot.

Then you take your fingers, and pick them up like you would a mouse by the tail and drop them in a jam jar, screw the lid on VERY tight, and watch them soundlessly jump up and down in a RAGE before putting the jam jar in the shed at the bottom of the garden, NEVER to think about again, unless to smirk occasionally over how you got the better of them and have the power over them now.

Make any sense? Give it a try, it's honestly a great way to reduce problems or problem people in your life, particularly if they're bothering you late at night and stopping you sleeping.

[anonymity]

My family were - let's say - 'alternative' - and I had little in common with my peers.

It was the sheet daubing that I found most profoundly upsetting. I do wonder what was inside their heads to do that.

[anonymity]

I also feel that I will never let my dc go on any school trips, which is ABU I know, for fear of them experiencing the same horrors.

[HelenBurns]

It sounds absolutely terrifyingly lonely.

I was scared every night of my 'holiday' and I wasn't ill, just unpopular...

It's a big deal to a young girl going away from home like that. It's almost like you have to find your place in the world, establish a survival system, which often entails learning to rely on other people/friends in place of your parents.

Sadly, you were really let down, so it didn't happen - you didn't get that feeling of achievement and safety to go out into the world knowing you could rely on friends to look after you.

I don't feel I ever did it. Friends would go to the pub together and get pissed and then be ill, they rallied round each other, formed those bonds that lasted into adulthood. Me? I was scared of being sick, didn't want to get drunk, I watched a girl among her closest mates, throwing up onto the pavement one night, and I felt so jealous that I cried.

It's a strange thing, growing up.

[HelenBurns]

It sounds like Carrie. Have you watched that film?

[HuwEdwards]

Ditto Sycamore's advice. Hopefully this (i.e. writing a post and discussing it) will be enough for you to move on from it, I hope so.

You couldn't have done anything, you were ill! (and they were 2 and you were 1)

I can recall 2 friends of mine all in our very early teens coming round to my house. They actually didn't know eachother very well, but I knew each very well. It's all a bit of a blur now, but I'm aware that somehow they sort of ganged up and started teasing me (no idea what about) and it got quite upsetting and I eventually asked them to leave, whereupon it all finished as quick as it started. It doesn't sound much compared with your experience, but I'm 46 now and I recall it really upset me at the time. My friendship continued after this with both of them and I'm still friends wth one of them to this day although lost touch with the other one many yaers ago.

Looking back now of course I realise that each of my friends was worried they would be the one left out, as they didn't know eachother so sub-conciously made me the target that they didn't want to be.

I suspect that these girls did the same, Each in their own way they probably really liked you, but each probably thought that you rather than the remaining girl would be the easier target.

Three is an inevitably awful number when it comes to girls and friendships.

[anonymity]

No. would it help do you think?

[Sycamoretree]

Sorry anon, that was a cross post.

I can see how it was a double betrayal given these were the couple of girls you felt you could rely on.

They were probably trying to find a way to make themselves look cool, either to each other, or the wider group.

They are the ones who degraded themselves in doing this, not you.

Imagine them now as women, possibly with children, DD's of their own the age you were then. Imagine the shame they must feel looking back and knowing they did something so awful to a person, and that their own DD's might be at the mercy of children as vile as they were. They would most likely be hanging their heads, and begging your forgiveness.

It might be worth an exercise in acceptance and forgiveness, even though you presumably are not in contact with them. i.e. write a letter "Dear silly girl 1 and silly girl 2". When we were x years old you did this really vile and horrid thing to me. It was incredibly insensitive and has affected me deeply. You should feel very ashamed of what you did. However, as an adult, I can now see that you were insecure children, who should have known better but who didn't. Who acted out of fear and the need to belong. Because of that, I forgive you and I am moving on in my life. What you did to me no longer has the power to hurt or affect me".

Then just burn the letter, or something similarly cathartic.

[HelenBurns]

I'm not sure - it's very shocking and a bit silly really.
It has a bit where she starts her period (for real) in the changing room at school and the other kids are really horrible to her.

She kills them in the end, of course

[anonymity]

I will never forgive them.

I feel great shame to admit this, but I would give them a good kicking, then lock them away with no sanitary protection. You see, I have anger problems

[HuwEdwards]

teenage girls obsess about periods though, don't they? The ultimate shame and embarassment would be for any blood to seep through to your clothes. One of those girls might have even been having a period at the time and was really worried about leaking at night. Had what she thought was a lightbulb moment to detract any focus from her by daubing your sheets.

Listen to Sycamore, it's not about you, you could've been anyone.

[Sycamoretree]

re Carrie, I don't think it would help you to watch it, but it's good HelenBurns mentioned it because yes, it seems obvious now that they must have watched this film, or been told about a scene in it, and thought it would be very daring and show they were grown up to recreate it.

I think she mentions it just so you can stop thinking "what on earth was it about ME that made them do something so wierd to do with menstruating".

They didn't come up with it, it wasn't about you, it was some stupid scene from a very controversial horror film - which depending on your age, might have been the talk of the playground at the time?

[Sycamoretree]

Yes, I confess, I would probably want to punch the face of the queen bee that bullied me too.

Good, cathartic anger. No harm in that!

[stuffitllama]

I don't know about the anger thing. The shrinking thing sounds great.. it takes away the power. You need to take away from them the power to make you angry and upset.

It's natural to still feel angry if you've never dealt with something so utterly traumatising. The need for revege means it still has a hold on you -- as you know.

You will be happier when you let it go. I think there are other symbolic things you can do -- like write it down, with names and dates, then rip up and burn the paper, or throw it in the sea or away in the wind. Just to help you be free of it.

[pickupthismess]

Anon,I truly believe what goes around comes around so she'll get payback somewhen in her life.

Here's what I did though and it's absolutely true. I wouldn't advocate it for others LOL

I was bullied at school continuously by my so called best friend. She did so many things to undermine me - stealing my diary and then reading it aloud in class for example. She excelled herself when I was 15 and v conscious of impressing boys etc she told everyone I had farted in class. I was a really well brought up girly and absolutely horrified and so upset as I would never never have done this. It was an out an out lie.

Soon everyone was calling me 'farty X' and waving their hand in front of their nose. Including the boy I absolutely adored. Many I think just thought it was bit of fun and knew it was rubbish. But I even came into a classroom to find they had written it on the board and burst into tears (more hilarity). It's a name peopel remember now and I'm in my forties for God's sake.

But, revenge is a dish best served cold. She was madly in love with her new boyfriend in the sixth form and showed off about him endlessly (her first real one, head boy and hot property). There and then I decided I would steal him and do you know what I did.

Not only that, he turned out to be lovely despite his early abomination of a girlfriend. We got married, still are and have two LOs. She however I note from facebook is single, no kids and was dumped by her long term partner. Yes I'm cruel but I'm so pleased.

So as I say, what goes around comes around. Hope it did to your bullies. Otherwise just put it behind you.

[EBenes]

You poor thing. I had a similar experience on a school trip sharing with two girls who instantly teamed up and laughed at me the whole time, taking apart everything I said and mimicking it. When I burst into tears at one point this made them laugh even more. One of them had been my best friend, who had been exactly like pickup's best friend before that.

I still think about this sometimes and it makes me blush, but you just have to think that girls of that age are testing boundaries, finding how people work emotionally, and it is all fascinating to them, because they've never had power before, and they still have quite childish empathy. Not that it isn't the nasty bitches who do this kind of thing, because it is, but it is still a symptom of being young. It wasn't anything you did, and the things they pick on aren't anything an adult would think of as inferior.

I don't have any advice, am just posting to give some further idea of how common this is. It isn't something we brought on ourselves, it's just mean girls, and there are, sadly, a lot of them. If I find out any have done anything like this to my dds, I will hunt them down and... shout very angrily at them!

[missyhissey]

Good on yer girl!