Is your child being bullied? Not sure what to do or where to start?

[AJ2008]

I am starting this thread as I am the mother of a lovely 12 year old whose life was made hell for three years at Primary School. At first it was sporadic but gradually the bullying increased and it was a huge battle to get the school to do anything about it.

The place where I got the best help was a website called Kidscape. There is also a free phone helpline for those days when you just do not know where to turn or what to do.

Kidscape advised me to put everything in writing to the school in addition to talking to the class teachers and the head. They also advised me to keep a diary.

As the result of everything we learned I wrote an article, which you can find here.

The article also has links to other websites and also the diary that I kept.

I hope all of this helps you.

[SparkyFartDust]

Thank you so much for this helpful thread

[juicyjolly]

Wow! Thankyou for sharing your diary, it made fascinating, or should that be disturbing reading.

I am so pleased that your dd has managed to start enjoying her school life again, it makes such a difference when a child has someone to be able to confide in and know they will be believed.

Thankyou for your thread, I am sure it will help a lot of parents.

[Doodle2U]

Man, that took a bit of reading!

Two things strike me about that whole situation and AJ, you mention one of them in your conclusions.

a) Child C is herself, a little girl who has been and continues to be, failed by all adults in her life.

b) Child C's parents were left to rock along, in denial or more likely, pig ignorance and unwillingness to tackle the situation because they either couldn't care less or didn't know how.

I've wondered about this for a while now. Schools say they handle bullying in school and quite often, they say they have a zero tolerance approach BUT very few schools are prepared to upset parents or rock the boat to such an extent that the parents of the bully ever have to get their hands dirty.

I cannot tell you how many parents I've come across who wear totally rose tinted glasses when it comes to THEIR child. My favourite line was "My child does not tell lies." Really? That's funny because he's lying his head off right now!

I'm glad it's been mostly resolved for H and I hope she continues to go from strength to strength.

[Zahrah]

AJ -Disturbing read but well done for keeping a record and I really do hope that as your daughter blossoms, she will be able to look back at that particular dark area of her past and be confident in knowing that she was able to conquer a demon!

Also I can identify with your diary in many ways - we have a child in my son's class who displays an awful lot of child C's character. And although she isn't directly affecting my son, I can see that she is controlling the rest of the girls. What annoys me the most about it is that the parents of some of the girls can see that the child is deliberately causing problems yet they do nothing to stop it or to help stamp it out!- I am guessing that it is because it isn't affecting their child at that particular moment in time. The reality is that it will cause problems because their child is actually being controlled by an aggressive bully and over time the bullys influences will manifest and shape their own childs outlook/destiny on dealing/coping with people from all walks of life be it in school, the workplace or socially.

[bella29]

Just wanted to say thank you for doing this, and to wish you and your daughter much happiness which is well deserved after all you have been through.

[AJ2008]

I am sorry it has taken awhile to get back but thank you for all your lovely messages and also for reading my article and diary.

Doodle2U - as far as Child C's parents are concerned, both myself and others have witnessed her mother's domineering and bullying attitude towards her own children and other people. I think one of the biggest problems we had was the fact that the school found it easier to deal with my husband and myself because throughout the whole time, we were able to be polite no matter how upset we were. You cannot say the same for C's mother and I also saw C's grandmother being extremely rude and agressive to a shop assistant one day.

C has a brother who is a problem at school and who causes a lot of trouble as well. He tried to frighten my daughter when they transferred to Secondary school, but one call to the school and it was no longer a problem. The Secondary School has been fantastic.

The father is easier to deal with, but the mother has the attitude that there is a conspiracy against her family, so there is never any reasoning with her.

I wrote another article Does bullying run in families? as a result of what I saw and what we experienced. And so far my research bears out what I suspected - a lot of bullies are bullied in their own home.

I have every sympathy for Child C. She is being raised by a bully herself and all the adults who could have helped at the Primary School have failed her. On several occasions I mentioned to the school that I was concerned for her but every time I was met by an awkward silence. I did not expect them to discuss the child with me, but they should have referred the situation on to the relevant authorities. It seems that unless there is physical bruising children dont get help. But the effects of emotional bruising can last a lifetime.

Zahrah - I know what you mean about the parents of the other children and this is how the whole "Bystander" theory has developed. It was probably the hardest thing I had to deal with. Day in day out seeing other Mothers in the playground who new exactly what was happening, because their own daughters were telling them. Yet, until their own daughters got targetted, they did nothing. By doing nothing the adults were reinforcing the message to their own children that it is OK to stand by and watch and do nothing. All they had to do was mention it to the Teacher and what we were saying would have been backed up.

The only way that bullying in our schools will stop is if everyone takes some responsibility to help stamp it out. In my own experience the Primary School was useless because not everyone was applying the Anti-Bullying Policy but the Secondary School has a zero tolerance policy and so far it seems to be working.