not sure if dd is being bullied, is the bully or whether to ignore this....

[canofworms]

It's a long story but will try to be brief.

For a couple of years, my dd (aged 7) has come out of school every now and then really worried because she says a girl in her class is going to tell the head about her or is going to send her dad round to speak to dh. When I've asked why she says this other girl has made something up about her. So I've told her to ignore her and if she hasn't done anything wrong then she's got nothing to worry about.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when there was a huge misunderstanding at school (dd was definitely in the right because I asked them to investigate) where this other girl did get the head to talk to my dd who was obviously really upset over it.

I suggested it would be best not to be friends or play with this girl anymore as she was making things up about her.

Last week the other girl asked to join in a game with dd and her friends but didn't like it when she was given a particular role to play so left crying. My dd was actually quite worried about this so came home and wrote a lovely letter to her saying she was sorry for being mean and could they still be friends. She also addressed it to her mum as the girl always threatens dd with her parents.

Last night we had a reply that was obviously written by the mum that very cleverly accused her of being the bully without actually stating it! It went on and on and said she was unhappy and didn't want to go to school, all perfectly typed with only 1 spelling mistake.

Now this has made me wonder whether to involve the school as I'm not sure what's going on. I'm having some issues with this mother anyway on a separate matter which makes me think she's not very forgiving and makes mountains out of molehills.

What would you think or do about this?

[AbbeyA]

It is happening at school so I would involve them, just have a chat to start with and find out if they have noticed problems.

[Twiglett]

give letter to teacher and ask her if she can deal with it

particularly if it purports to being from daughter

then phone the mother up and say that you "don't approve of bullying and will do everything to ensure that nobody is being bullied. You are not sure what is happening between the girls as your dd is also upset on a number of occasions so you have asked the school to investigage and take the necessary action and that you've given her DD's letter to the teacher"

[barnsleybelle]

I would pass the letter over to the school and just communicate with them. Just don't speak to the mother.
It seems clear that your dd still wants to be friends with the other girl has she was concerned enough to write the letter.
If the other girl was just upset about the role she had to play then why did your daughter apologise for "being mean"? maybe there is more to it.

I honestly think it's best to not get into discussions with the other mother as it usually ends up in an argument. neither of you will want to believe your ownn dd is to blame so to speak.

[canofworms]

Thanks, I will pass the letter on. Dd came home tonight saying she'd actually told a teacher when this girl was being mean to her today and they'd kept the other girl in at playtime.

I wouldn't speak to the other mother as she is clearly a bit of a vindictive person from what she's already done to me (as I said, completely separate issue)

[julietbat]

Just thought I'd add something from a teacher's point of view (albeit a secondary school teacher) - the school is definitely best placed to deal with the issues between the two girls so I would let them get on with it as best they can. If you get involved with the other mother it can then make it very difficult for the school to really tackle the problem because things are going on outside school that they aren't party to. This happens quite frequently at my school (usually with the 11 and 12 yr olds) and if parents get involved with each other we sometimes have to step back because we know we won't be very effective in that situation.
I've come across plenty of mothers like the one you've described and the chances of you persuading her of your side of things is doubtful. Another reason to stay out of it. Good luck!

[AJ2008]

I agree with Juliebat, best to deal with the school not the mother.

What the other girl is doing is "emotional bullying" and you need to ask the school to make it stop.

There is a website that helped me when my daughter was being emotionally bullied. It is called Kidscape. There is also a helpline.

The main thing is to put a stop to it now or it will just go on and on.