Feel so angry and upset! How to handle this with the school

[Ivegotaheadache]

DD1 has told me that she has been bullied by a girl in her class for the past year.
She has a real difficulty in going into school (though once she's there she's fine and is very happy) and is seeing CAMHS to overcome this difficulty.

All I can get out of her at the moment is that the other girl has been shouting at her and calls her 'crybaby'.
She has also said that the other girl doesn't like my dd's friendship with another girl and is jealous.

I will over the course of the holidays, try and get some more information out of her so that I have some details to go to the school with.
But does anyone have any experience in speaking to the school about things like this?

I have a good relationship with the head which makes it easier I suppose, but the other girl's mother is the school governor, although I don't know her.

I've promised my dd that I will sort this out and it won't happen again (believe me I intend to keep that promise!!!!!!), but I can't find the school's anti bullying policy anywhere though I assume they have one; isn't it the law now or something?

I feel so devastated for my dd, she's been doing really well and I feel so sad that she's had to put up with this and didn't tell me .

[HuwEdwards]

My first port of call would be her teacher -have you spoken to her?

School office should be able to point you in the direction of the anti-bullying policy (ours is on the school website)

[Ivegotaheadache]

I haven't been able to speak to anyone as my dd only told me about this once the school holidays had started.
So when I go in September I will have to find her old teacher and speak to him. But I'm not quite sure what use he will be anyway, my dd sat next to that girl for the whole year and their seats were right near the teacher.
Not sure how relevant that is but it makes me feel even sadder that of all the children she could have been put with she was next to her.

Anyway, I was going to just go straight to the head. Like I said I have a goo drelationship with him adn he knows my dd as I've been working with him to try and get her into school. (though this is not related to the bullying she's always had extreme separation anxiety, I'm sure it's not helped).

Also not sure what bearing the childs mother being a school governor would have.
It shouldn't make ANY difference at all, but I'm a bit wary tbh.

[anotherdayyetanothernickname]

Poor dd and poor you.

I think you need to be careful about promising dd it won't happen again though, when you can't know that for sure. No matter what the teachers do or say it could still happen again. Surely better to say 'I will do everything I can about this'.

When you're a victim of bullying, it's reassuring to know that you can totally trust your parent(s) to help and she is lucky to have you there so determined to sort it out for her.

[mindfulmama]

Have a look at Michelle Elliots stuff on Kisdscape. There are lots of ideas for managing bullying, including how to tackle it with school. Any bullying is intolerable and often the kids who are doing it are not actually realising how horrid it is for those on the receiving end, rather than themselves being nasty. School governor or not it makes no difference!
Good luck

[sleepychunky]

Headache, I'm sorry to hear what's been happening to your DD. You are right about the anti-bullying policy - it has been the law since 1999 that every school has to have one, but I'm afraid that more often that not the policies are either non-existent or very ver poor.
mindfulmama suggested Kidscape - please do get in touch. I work for Kidscape and we have a fantastic helpline for parents of bullied children = you can ring us up and get advice about how to approach the school and how to help your DD. The number is 08451 205 204 and it's open 10-4 Monday-Friday.
Good luck!
SC

[streakybacon]

Can I recommend a book that might help? Bullies Bigmouths and So-Called Friends - you can get it on Amazon or Book Depository. It looks at how friendships/relationships fluctuate, how one day you're all friends and next day you're not, how to build self-esteem and practice appropriate responses when teased or bullied. It also gives advice on talking to someone else about events that are happening in school.

I worked on this book with my 9 yo and he's learned such a lot from it, and the way he handles difficult friendships has improved greatly.

You can get a pink girlie version as well as the standard cover.

[whatdayisit]

How old is your DD.

DS1 (yr2) had some minor bullying issues earlier this year, a bit of name calling, but then came home with scratches all over him, so I decided I needed to take action (he never seemed that bothered TBH)

Anyway I called in at the school office and saw the home school liaison officer. By lunchtime all children had been spoken to, apologies had been made, a plan was in place whereby a ta/dinner lady would monitor these children at breaktimes and teacher would speak to DS1 after each break and at the end of the day to ensure he had the opportunity to "tell" if anything had happened.

He has had no more trouble at all in the last 6 months and is actually good friends with the bullies now. They were 2 girls, struggling to express themselves, I think and really wanted to be friends all along. This approach worked well for young children, but not sure for older ones? Hopefully your school will have a similar policy and you can get it sorted quickly. Good luck.

[Sim43]

How awful for you, it makes you want to go in to school and grab the little shit by the neck (sorry getting angry). We have had bullying in my DS class, fortunately it did not affect him, but the girl who was being bullied eventually left! We now have this stuffed toy (can't remember what it is or its name), basically a teacher goes into the class room and the children have the opportunity to tell this puppet (attached to a teachers hand) if they have any problems, this is done quietly and I assume privately. Sounds odd but I think it works for them. I get very angry when I hear about bullying, my sister was bullied at school and it made her life a misery, this was years ago when bullying was not taken seriously and SHE was told to stop being a silly girl!!

[cheesesarnie]

were going through this at the moment.its awful.luckily although ds teachers werent that great at first,the head was fantastic!looks like its all sorted now but he did say be warned it might not be.i think just tell the school whats going on,ask them how theyre going to deal with it,what you want from them,what ou can do etc.communication is the key!hope you get happy ending as quickly as we have(hopefully)

[Ivegotaheadache]

Thank you so much for your replies. I will definitely look up kidscape.

My dd is 8, but I think there may have been a problem with this girl even before this past year.
My dd pulls out her eyelashes (another thing she sees CAMHS for) and I feel so awful that the eyelash pulling may be to do with this bullying, and I didn't know about it.

I have daydreams where I confront the girls mother and tell her to sort her bloody child out or I will (I won't, but I'd love to and quite frankly if the school can't sort it out then yes I will!!).

I do think the head will take it seriously but I'm really worried about it getting worse once the girl knows that my dd has told and she will get spoken to.

[mindfulmama]

Can I just say it sounds as if your DD is v stressed and you have every right to insist that the school adress it properly. Do not let them fob you off with yourDD as a sensitive child etc. Even if the other child isn't aware of the suffering she causes, she needs to be told and it still has to stop! In our school they address anything where the child on the receiving end gets sad, even hiding pencil cases or little aside comments...... you should tell CAMHS about the bullying, they may help with the school too.
THe Bullies, big mouths.... book is v good, we have a copy at home which has been lent to lots of friends!

Try to use the summer to get yourself and your dd confident to handle this in Sept, with support from the profs and kidscape. Then you won't exacerbate it by blowing a fuse with the Mother!
GOOD LUCK.

[Ivegotaheadache]

Thank you, I think she is stressed, I noticed bullying behaviour towards her younger sister which is how it all came out in the first place.

I said something to her about the way she is with dd2 being bullying and she got upset and said she wasn't a bully because she knows all about bullying because she was being bullied.

Well, my heart just broke .

I had a chat with her and it was hard for her to tell me what was happening, what was being said ect and I still don't know all but I don't want to push too hard.
I tol dher it wasn't her fault and it was wrong of this girl and I was very proud of her for telling me and now that I know it will be sorted out.

I told her CAMHS psychologist and she will do something in her sessions with her.
I'll have to think of ways of finding more out so I have more details when I go to the school. I was thinking of writing down some questions and telling my dd to fill them in when she feels that she can remember things, she has been saying she can't remember but I think she doesn't want to say as it's hard to talk about.

Her teacher has said in meetings ect that she's very happy, in fact you would never pick her out as the child with any problems as she's the happiest child in the class.
But it must be very stressful to go through it even though she has very good friends.
I think the school will be good, I've worked very closely this year with the head and he's very good so i think he will take it seriously - of maybe I'm just hoping but you do hear of schools making light of things, but I won't acccept that at all.

I have noticed a slight difference in her, so i think it's a weight off her mind now that she's told me and feels better that it will stop.

I'll look up that book too.

[mindfulmama]

well done! good luck xxx

[pompeygal]

help, our girl is being bullied by an "ex friend", who seems to be the ringleader and his siblings and friends. at school everything seems to be fine but when playing outside at home they taunt and ridicule. the parents have been told about this behaviour but he also had a go at my mum and then the father had a go at mum too !! some role-model !! i can quite understand mindfulmama's feelings - i could wring his neck, this child needs to be shown the error of his ways for his own good!! thanks for the advice on kidscape - will explore further...i feel so sad that c has had all her friends taken away for the holidays whilst this boy thinks he's the bees knees.

[LynetteScavo]

Pompeygal, as you are new to Mumsnet, may I sugest you start your own thread?

[tootyflooty]

My dd has put up with the school bully for 3 years.The other child is well known for her antics as is the mother, the school were very keen to say my dd was attention seeking!!! the other child is jealous as dd is very popular, because she is fun and friendly. finally when they go into yr 6 in sept they will be in diff classes.The school policy was to ignor it in the hope the bully would not get a reaction, they think the problem is solved, my dd now says she just has to get used to the name calling and face pulling!!! as it happens every day. Unfortuantly they may end up in the same senior school.Why are some kids such little s--ts, and what decsent parent would condone that behaviour, I don't have much faith in the schools sorting this sort of thing out,especially if one of the parents is an agressive type !!