How to manage girls friendships

[Boco]

DD has just had her sixth birthday.
She's a fairly quiet and shy little girl, but this year has come out of her shell quite a bit. Her school report said she was popular and had lots of friends. She has lots of invites to play with children in her class.

The problem is that there are a couple of girls in her class who are very attached to her, they want to play with her and sit with her. At first this was a relief as she was worried about being on her own at playtime or in the dinner hall. But if she wants to sit or play with anyone else they can be quite nasty, they say they hate her, they push her over, and lately it's got more serious and a couple of weeks ago she came home with a black eye where one of them opened a drawer on her face on purpose. She's had bruised shins from being kicked, a scrape down her face from being pushed over.

I spoke to the teacher who told her that she must come and tell someone if they're hurting her, and said both girls are quite insecure and desperate themselves not to be left out.

Every single day dd comes home with a story of how they've fought or threatened. I know it's not straightforward bullying as when I drop her off these girls rush over and cuddle her, write her notes saying she's their best friend, invite her to play - but it's so controlling that dd is becoming increasingly frustrated and unhappy.

I'm not sure how to manage it and what else to do. I try to encourage her to say no, walk away, play with who she wants, tell the teacher if she's being hurt, I'm not sure what to do to help her.

[clutteredup]

This is bullying its just the way the girls do it best, go back to the teacher your DD did tell someone she told you and now you're telling the teacher. Its bullying like any other and its up to the teacher to deal with it, if you get the same response go to the head, schools should have bullying policies and use them.
Don't be fobbed off, its not good enough to say the other girls are insecure they have no right to treat your DD like this and its terrible for her.
Good luck poor you and your DD.

[Boco]

The teacher said to dd 'why didn't you tell me when x hurt you with the drawer?' and dd said 'I did tell you, but you told me to sit on the carpet and be quiet'. The teacher said 'well, that was probably a busy day, you must keep telling me!'
But that's not very easy for a shy and quiet child, to be insistent. Feel quite cross about that.

[ahundredtimes]

Make an active bid to invite loads of other girls round.

Go back and talk to teacher as regularly as possible. Ask her what steps she's taken about what is going on. You don't want to wait until she gets hurt and tells her, you want the teacher to be a little more active.

Invite both girls round and intervene and boss them about and then punch them in the face.

Know it will probably pass.

Help dd to practice asserting her rights. Do role play with her. Practise standing with hand on hip, wagging finger and saying 'Now stop that. I shan't play with either of you if you get silly and say nasty things to me. It's not nice for me, and it makes me think you are not a very good friend.' It takes LOADS of practice and acting out that one.

And - hello.

[ahundredtimes]

Also not wildly uncommon this you know. They can be pretty high maintenance girls at this age, from what I can see. Don't like the physical aspect of it AT ALL in this scenario though.

[clutteredup]

it might be worth going straight to the head then, it sounds like the teacher is too busy to keep up with it and if there is physical violence it needs to be nipped in the bud. If your DD feels that she can't tell the teacher she will end up feeling let down, you need to have a meeting with the head and the teacher. Ask them exactly what they plan to do about it, ask to see their bullying policy and get a plan of action in place. i know this all sounds very demanding as a parent but its important, I have a friend whose DS was bullied at his school and it went on and on as she didn't know then the school didn't do anything and eventually after 3 years she moved his school and only now is he the charming confident little boy he was before he started school.
If your DD was shy before it will be easy for her to revert.
the school is in charge of the care of your DD while she is at school and should ensure they do just that. Also the girls involved need to be taught how to deal with friendships without being controlling and unpleasant.
Sorry to go on its just its something I feel strongly about.

[ahundredtimes]

Yes I agree with clutter. The physical aspect is NOT ON, and also she's right about them having to be 'taught' how to get on without being nutters.

The teacher should be doing this. Is she?

[CrushWithEyeliner]

This is extreme for 6yo. I would be extremely vocal on this and go to the head. You have been totally fobbed off by this "teacher".

[Boco]

Thank you that's good advice.

I'm very reluctant to go to head after bad experiences with her. I feel the teacher is more reasonable - and that she was quite defensive after dd spoke up about not being listened to.

Have just got off the phone with a lovely boy that dd plays with and he's coming to tea tomorrow. DD has been invited to play with one of these girls next tuesday, and when I told her she pleaded with me not to have to go. So, I'll tell her no.

Will try role play with her - she tends to not want to talk about it and gets upset with me when I try to - but she's like this about a lot of things, will only talk on her own terms and I have to wait for her to be ready - if I bring it up she gets very upset.

[SusieHughsie]

I really feel for you and your little girl, can you speak to the parents of these children?

I am in a similiar situation (but from the other side of it) My DD has become extremely dependant on one of her friends, this however has not turned violent at worse she crys/sulks/sits on her own. Her friend is feeling quite uncomfortable with how intense my DD is.

I am trying the whole role play thing to teach her to widen her circle of friends and not be so reliant on one person but similiarly she gets upset if we talk about it.

I would like to be made aware if my DD was behaving in such an unacceptable way. It does sound like the school should be doing more.

[Boco]

Out of all the parents in the whole class, these two are the hardest to deal with.

Last week, one little girl, while in class said to dd 'pinch me, it's for a joke, it's really funny!' DD said no. She kept saying that it was just for a funny joke, and that she'd see what would happen, in the end, dd pinched her, very very lightly. The little girl went up to the teacher and said 'dd just pinched me really hard!' and dd got told off. She was furious. She told me about it and I said that was a pretty dirty trick, and that it's best not to pinch, even for a joke, and to watch out for this little girl's 'jokes'.

The next morning, the mother came up and said 'just to make you aware, my dd tells me your dd has been pinching in class'.

I had a brief red mist.
Explained what had actually happened, she looked at me blankly and said 'just thought I'd make you aware, as when it comes to pinching, it's not really funny is it.'

Raaaahhhh!

[shirleyghostman]

Hiya Boco,

I really feel for you and your daughter.

Anyway - I was reading up about bullying and indirect bullying last night and thought this link might be of interest to you and anyone else.

www.spsk12.net/departments/specialed/Relational%20Aggression.htm

[Sonnet]

Hi Boco,
Both my dd's have been through similar thing at about the same age.

I second role playing....

Another thing that worked for us whas the DD's saying " I do want to play with you but I want to play with all our other friends as well"

The class teachers knew that was what the dd's would say and agreeed with it.

Also both teachers talked about it at Circle time.

Please ensure your dd's teacher does take this seriously as it is Bullying...

[clutteredup]

Hi again Boco. How is your DD today?
I wouldn't deal with the parents directly if i were you, as this could end up with you falling out/ getting in a bad situation/ even being bullied by the parents. its much better to deal with it through the school as that is what they are there for and also they can act as witnesses to the behaviour. if you deal with parents it is their DDs word against your DDs word and any parent would take sides with their DCs.
Have another go with the teacher but i would go to the head too as often these things can easily get brushed under the carpet. Whatever might have been between you and the head in the past this is a serious isssue and the head should behave professionally. if s/he doesn't you can complain directly to the local authority.
try to note down all the incidents as your DD has told you - any any more if they happen (hopefully not)- and also all your discussions with the teachers etc, what they said and what you did too. You could write to the head as then it is official and there has to be something done. i know its hard, I hate getting involved in complaining but for your DDs sake its really important.
Also you need to help her understand that she can choose her friends and not the other way around. It sounds like she has other nice friends and you making playdates with them is a good way forward.
OMG girls can be so horrid. i was bullied at school and my DD starts school this year and she's so like me I worry that the same will happen to her. I'm trying to teach her to stand up for herself at preschool as that 'I won't play with you' behaviour has already started. Its so hard. Boys just hit eachother, which is obvious for all to see, easy to punish and then its over. girls are far too underhand.

[Boco]

Thanks for all the good suggestions.

She has a little boy coming for dinner tonight who she's very fond of, and they're both really looking forward to it.

Will keep being vigilant and speak to the teacher again if it's carrying on. Will go to head if I have to but I don't find her hugely professional.

[Boco]

• and thanks for the link Shirley, it's really interesting - although horrible and makes me very glad I'm not at school.

[shirleyghostman]

No problems Boco - I ended up spending most of last night reading up about different forms of bullying. I learnt that often 'indirect bullying' is very hard to detect as it is always done so covertly. The main player gets away with it along with their sidekicks and invariably the victim is made to look like they are blowing the incident out of proportion. IMO I feel that this is the most damaging form of bullying.

Another link if you are interested

www.interventioncentral.org/htmdocs/interventions/bully/bullyprevent.php