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Bullying

DS getting bullied by a kid that bites

20 replies

bullinthesea · 05/07/2014 18:26

DS goes to a private school, and there is one lad in the class who seems to be making life miserable for many of them.

Many families have avoided having Birthday parties for their kids, as it's not fair to leave one kid out, but the birthday child does not want him at their party, due to his bullying/nastiness.

DS has had problems with him for a couple of years now, but this year has been the worst. Things have been so bad that DS (age 8) has talked of killing himself, as he feels that is the only way out. He cries regularly, it is difficult to get him to school in the mornings, and I have started taking him to see a counsellor, to help him to manage his feelings (the school knows this).

DS is not the only one in the class who is having issues with this boy - many of the others have been subjected to being punched / kicked / pushed over / and nasty comments & put downs so often that I have lost count!

One afternoon, DS came out from school, in absolute bits, saying that this bully had got him in the changing room after PE, pinned him down on the floor, made him beg to get up, and then once he released DS, he grabbed DS's clothes, and chucked them all up in the air, they then landed on the muddy floor :( How humiliating.

That was the final straw for me, so I booked an appointment with the head of the junior school, and myself & DH booked the morning off work, and went and had a discussion about the issues.

They said that they would have to involve the parents (who I usually get on ok with) and since that happened, the parents (who could have approached me and expressed their regret that this was happening etc, and asked if DS was ok maybe) decided to blank me for a few weeks instead. Nice.

This kid has ramped things up a bit lately - he's started biting.
First I know of, it happened at a party, a few months back, according to the bitee's mum, the bitemarks were still visible when she went to collect her son at the end of the party. He was very upset, understandably.

Then he bit another kid, on Monday, at school.

Then, on Thursday, he bit a third kid (so that's two in one week!).
As they came out of school, my son blurted out what had happened, in front of me, the victims mum, and also the mother of the biter (let's call him Jaws).

The biter's Mother's reaction (as always seems to be the case whenever her son bullies someone in any way) was not one of empathy/regret, but more of a "well, what were the circumstances?" type of attitude. Turns out, they were playing 'it' and the bitee had tapped the biter, and said "it". Turns out that Jaws is a bit of a bad loser.

Even so, I cannot see any situation where one human biting another is justifiable.
It's breathtaking.
It's as if Jaws can do no wrong in her eyes, every time he does anything out of line, it seems that according to her, it's always the other kid that did something to deserve it somehow.

Since my son spoke out and told us what Jaws had done that day, I'm getting blanked again, by Jaws' Mother. Great, so I guess it's our fault for DS telling & not her son's fault for actually thinking it's ok to bite another person.

If an adult did that, wouldn't it be classed as assault?

DH is a teacher, I asked him what would happen at his school (secondary) if a kid did that, he said that they would be excluded straight away.

I apologise for rambling if you've got this far.

I feel so frustrated, our kids are 8, I can only imagine what things are going to be like in a few years time when the testosterone kicks in.
I'm so annoyed that the Mum won't acknowledge what the bitees have experienced, only found ways to blame them, and for not dealing with her sons behaviour, but instead just makes excuses for it.

I'm seriously thinking of moving DS to another school. He has endured so much, and it has had such an impact on him and the way he perceives himself. He keeps telling me that he feels weak, and that he scared to stand up to Jaws, as he is worried that he will end up in trouble himself, or that the bullying will get worse.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
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PetaPipa · 05/07/2014 18:32

That sounds terrible op, your poor ds! If the school won't exclude Jaws, the definitely move your son. That poor boy. It must be awful to dread going to school each day.

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bullinthesea · 06/07/2014 12:08

Hi, thanks for your input, I wasn't sure if I was overreacting.
Last night we began reading one of the books recommended by another poster recently. It just ended with DS in tears tho :( .
Might try again later, I think the book is good, it just seemed to upset DS, because he feels that he doesn't have the strength to stand up to this boy.

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Hakluyt · 06/07/2014 12:15

Why are you still sending your child to this school?

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HavantGuard · 06/07/2014 12:18

I'm surprised the school haven't asked the parents to withdraw him.

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lunar1 · 06/07/2014 12:20

It's a private school, the parents need to go individually to the head and inform them that you will be removing your children unless school is made a safe place.

They will put some kind of intervention into place if the think they are at risk of losing a full class.

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nicename · 06/07/2014 12:22

The school sounds crap. No 8 year old should be in councelling because the school can't manage it's classes.

This isn't about your son not managing, it's about the school being rubbish. They won't admit it, and go into your meeting with the expectation that they will throw it back on you/your child. You can't cope, your child can't cope, etc.

I would go to the school head (the organ grinder) and write to the owners about it.

Be clear, have dates and events. Don't be emotional. Write notes and take minutes in the meeting. Be clear what you want. Tell them what you will do if you don't get what you want.

Make sure they are aware that you are mightily pissed off with their lack of action.

If you leave the school, you want full deposit back.

Sod thw other mum. It doesn't matter what problems or issues she has, this is just not on.

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notapizzaeater · 06/07/2014 12:25

That's shocking, toddlers bite (and get shown the error of their ways) 8 year old children don't ! As a parent I'd be horrified if my child had done that.

Agree you need to see the head and tell him you are looking at other schools.

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3littlefrogs · 06/07/2014 12:26

OP Take him out of the school.
Now.
You can afford to pay - take your child and your money elsewhere.
The school you are currently paying is absolutely crap.

I had a similar situation with DS at a state school.
Because the HT was useless, I had to go back to work full time to make money to pay fees so I could take my Ds out.

If you are paying you get to choose.

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Gileswithachainsaw · 06/07/2014 12:29

Oh your poor poor Ds :(

He shouldn't have to "deal with it"

This isn't low level stuff he needs to toughen up a bit and shrug off, he's being physically assaulted and there's no excuse in the world why school and his mum aren't doing something about this.

Thanks and Wine for you

Hugs and Cake for your Ds

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Gileswithachainsaw · 06/07/2014 12:54

Sometimes you have to stop worry about everyone else and stand up for your child.

Cos no one else will be thinking about him when it comes down to it. No matter what they say.

Brew

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IsItMeOr · 06/07/2014 13:22

While I am squeamish at some of the language being used here to describe a still pretty young child, it is clear that neither the mum or the school are dealing with his behaviour effectively.

As they both seem to be ignoring the behaviour, I honestly can't understand why you and the other parents have left your kids in this school for so long, as surely there has never been any reason to think that anything would change?

This is not normal in my experience of a state primary. 5yo DS has behaviour problems and he has just been excluded for two days for hurting a classmate. In parallel with school working to try to ensure DS's special educational needs are met so that he can be safely included in the school.

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IsItMeOr · 06/07/2014 13:29

I just realised that my post might seem a bit unsympathetic and harsh (it's been a very difficult week, with the exclusion Sad).

It sounds like you are a very caring parent, who is desperate to get your DS the support he needs. Honestly, this school sounds so far off capable of dealing with this situation, I think you need to consider moving DS.

And, for what it's worth, we apologised to the parents of the injured child, and explained what we were doing with school to try and address the issue. I think that's the appropriate response from one parent to another.

Good luck figuring out what to do for your own child's best interests. I'm sure you'll do what's best. Flowers

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/07/2014 13:44

I would be tempted to get together with the parents of other children who have suffered at the hands (and teeth) of this boy, and go to the school as a group to say that you are all seriously considering removing your children unless this is dealt with properly.

Maybe if they see a number of sets of school fees potentially vanishing, this will spur them into action - action that is important for everyone's sake - all the boys who have been targeted, and the boy doing the bullying - he needs to learn better behaviour soon, otherwise he will end up with no friends, and it doesn't sound like his mum is willing to step up and do what's necessary. And if the school doesn't step,up, he will have more victims in the future. So I am not being all woolly-liberal-tolerant towards the bully, but I do think he needs to be stopped and have his behaviour changed now, for the sake of everyone he will come into contact with in the future.

I was a victim of bullying at school, and it damaged me for life. I wish my mum had backed me up the way the OP is backing up her child, but she didn't.

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nicename · 06/07/2014 14:28

Have you broken up for summer yet though?

What's the Head like? Who has rated the school?

Ask the school for its complaints procedure and (as is your right) how many complaints have been made in the past few years.

It's a business - you are the consumer. Yes, you can walk away but you could loose your deposit and be laible for next terms' fees too, plus a new deposit and fees for a new school. That's a big cost of they decide to be arsey with you.

Have you any other schools in mind? Can you contact them now? We were in a shitty situ re: a school and it's amazing how fast you can move/how supportive schools can be when you need to jump ship.

Can you say what area you are in? Google the school/head/staff like mad to see if the school has a record for being unsupportive/useless.

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IsItMeOr · 06/07/2014 14:50

Does the school have a behaviour and/or discipline policy? If so, get it and read it, and check that they are following it.

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nicename · 06/07/2014 15:35

Sadly private schools are a law unto themselves sometimes.

The child who is biting is assaulting other children and having a negative effect on their learning. My sisters class has a sign that says 'I have the right to learn'.

Chances are, his parents are loud, assertive types and demanding his 'needs' and 'rights' and quite possibly scare/intimidate the teacher and staff.

I am very concerned that this boys behaviour has not been addressed sooner.

Seriously - the school didn't get his parents in until you went in to see them to complain?! They didn't get the child to apologise? Has there been any visible changes to the way he is managed at school, or his behaviour?

The school is negligent. This child has attacked children when they should never have been in a situation when this could have happened. They are letting your - and the other children, yes even bitey - down.

Bitey is the one who should be having councelling/family therapy. Anyone who had driven my child to a therapist would be handed their arse to play with.

I am cross for you - the school is merrily taking your money and not even giving your child the basics - an education without fear of being assaulted. If this were a state school, there would be a clear policy and procedure to follow, and you would be yelling your rights and threatening to sue (I know people who work in this area).

As it is, you are merely a cash cow to them. You are basically being screwed and paying for the pleasure. Start getting angry! This behaviour is just not normal. This situation is not normal.

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bullinthesea · 12/07/2014 09:27

Thank you to everyone who has replied, it has given me food for thought.

This week Dh & I made the decision to take him out of this school and have found a new one which we think will suit DS better.
We're still liable for next terms fees at the existing school, but that's something we're just going to have to deal with, I'd rather do that than see DS so unhappy.

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starlight1234 · 12/07/2014 09:43

Well I am glad you are moving him.

No child should be made to feel like that. I also agree the school should of done more to protect your child. Each child does have a right to be safe in the classroom

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notapizzaeater · 12/07/2014 09:49

I'd be asking the school for them to look at giving you them back as they failed to keep him safe.

Glad you've found a solution Grin

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IsItMeOr · 12/07/2014 15:57

Glad you have sorted something you're happier with. Really hope that he is happier at the new school.

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