DS 7 Year 3 having lots of problems at school help!!!

[spudpudding]

Please help, advice needed. My son is a happy child generally but has had ongoing issues at school. In the main this is due to the social group of boys that are in his year group. We have had problems since he started school with one child in particular who is angry violent and nasty. I have made the school aware of any problems as they have happened, but feel even though they have been addressed, the situation is ongoing.

The head teacher at the school left last year as she was new and claimed she was being treated badly by the staff, this is part of the problem as they now have a new head, have spoken to the assistant acting head, the teachers and now the new head, there isn't one person who is in charge of the situation.

Last week DS was hurt quite badly at lunchtime play, there is a woodland area with an old tractor tyre, this is where most of the problems arise, it is a small school with too many kids, so sometimes he has lunch outside - even in the winter. This has lead to other issues ie his lunch being taken etc.

Last week I went in to see the new head who seemed to be unaware of any of these issues. I explained that he had been injured and what he said had happened. He was very upset and anxious at bedtime and said that every time he shut his eyes he kept thinking about it. I told him that I would sort this out. The head spoke to the boys in the class about rough play and also the boy we have problems with about bullying. She addressed the school and the junior classes about rough play.

Thursday he came home and said that they had been playing a jockey game riding on each others back, but someone had the idea to stand on this tyre and try and push them over when they ran past. DS got hurt again even though this was just silly stuff and not directed at him.

I could not get him to go to school on Friday as he was crying with stomach ache, so called to speak to the head. She said that I needed to get him in and they would deal with the situation, get the school counsellor to talk to him as there might be some reason why he feels like this. There is!! he said that he is frightened of getting hurt again!! She suggested that they could try and work out a coping strategy and help him find the right words, but just feel they need to get tough and watch them more. She said that she didn't feel that the kids were getting too rough(I do) and this was no more than you would expect of kids this age (I disagree).

DS is very active and will not hang back and weigh the situation up, he thinks this looks fun I'll join in, he poss has some issues but was doing ok in class and ins't disruptive. Have wondered if there is something wrong with him as he will keep going back. Although head said they all play in one big group and in her op this tends to lead to more fall outs.

What the hell do I do???? I have managed to get him in today - he had tummy ache again, but when I got to school another boy in his class was crying at the gate and refused to go in. I think that this is linked. I am trying to keep a clear head but am angry and upset. Will either change school or home ed but am worried what effect this may have on him? My DD is 4 and due to start at this school in September.

Help!! - thanks for taking the time to read all of this x

[ChaffinchOfDoom]

oh no! poor you. sounds awful with him so worried about going in.

bumping as am interested in how you deal with bullying at this age - my dd is struggling, she's 7 too. Any MN been through it?

[spudpudding]

Update - I was called in on Monday after school he has had an ok day and had a chat with the head and school counsellor. Seem to think that they are on top of things! half term next week so hopefully seem better after this.

They are also covering myths and legends in class and he has seen some video footage of medusa and other stuff that has frightened him - not sure that we would watch this sort of thing at home!! So this has also unsettled him.

He is a summer birthday and a boy also so he struggles a bit!! will have to just keep on top of the situation.

Parenthood is tough sometimes!! xxx

[Simile]

Have you asked DS if he wants to stay at that school or change schools? I would ask him.

My DS is in year 3 too. I was in school every week trying to sort similar things out. Head in this case was very wishy-washy, didn't communicate with her teachers, didn't provide adequate cover for breaktimes (the year 6 "buddys" covered breaks when it was wet weather!) etc. She also thought that things were fine. They were not. DS used to ask to change schools and as he has Aspergers that's a massive red flag. (It's a junior school he moved to btw).

In the end I moved him to another school after getting recommendations from health/education professionals. He's been there a month and loves it. It's the only time he transitioned well. His teacher is fab at working with him and the school ethos is brilliant. I spend half a day with the Senco prior to him moving. DS told me it was the school he was meant to go to. It's the best decision I made.

I realised that his old school would not improve unless the headteacher left and another head came in who could lead the school properly. So school life for DS would not improve either. It's a tough decision and there seems to be a lot of issues you are not happy with. I would find out about other schools in your area. Maybe have a chat with the head of the one you like to see about options.

[Simile]

Also for you Chaffinch. The new head said that the first thing she asks is if I had tried to resolve any issues with the old school. I had such a long list of things I had tried (and some I didn't even mention to her) that she was satisfied that it wasn't the right school for my DS.

As for applying, she told me that I would have to get in through appeal as the year was full BUT she has places across the school so would be happy to take him. I put on the appeal letter that I would come to the appeal meeting. I didn't have to go in the end as with head agreement it was simply a box-ticking exercise.

What I'm trying to say is, keep going into school to try to resolve issues then if you're having no luck seriously consider moving schools.

[samned]

Bullying is very prevalent in schools and until and unless tackled earlier on it gets worse and changing school doesnt help, it gets pretty bad for the parents as well. For example I had my son bullied at school and the teachers blamed me for it and now he is constantly bullied and nothing i say makes a difference since he is now associating me with being bullied. This has cornered me and made me incapable of handling any issue that comes up with my child and everyone now thinks of me a a child abuser? So you have to clear the air early on before it escalates it may be other issues involved such as the parents special needs.

[spudpudding]

Am rather anxious as back at school today, have sent him with a minecraft mag as he said he could sit on the buddy bench as he has done before and some boys came and looked at it with him last time.

We had a play date in the hols and he came home from his "friends house" with a cut across his nose and a scratch down his arm. The boys mum said they were being silly, then asked me for parenting advice as she "has lost control" of her son.

Not uber parent or anything, but think that as a group these boys seem to be having real problems playing anything that doesn't involve injuries.
DS does have some issues so need to make a decision re how to address that but also the school need to make sure that all children feel safe.

[Sleepytea]

We have had similar problems with rough play in a large group of boys although our headmistress got involved and things do seem to have settled down. We found that it helped ds to talk through the things that we're happening at home and then we gave him strategies to deal with it. We also concentrated on the fact that he could control his behaviour but not other children's behaviour. So if he is in a situation where the play is getting too rough, he can't change that behaviour but he can move himself away.
We also bought the rules of friendship book. It gives lots of advice on how to help your child whether they are a sensitive child/rough child etc.

[spudpudding]

Thanks for that will take a look x

[JuliaScurr]

ask the parent of the other crying kid what's going on
if the bullies are not dealt with, move your ds either home ed or change school. He will not thrive in a poor environment

Good luck

[spudpudding]

Thanks think I will have a word with his mum, she said that he was just tired at the time.

We had a chat before school this morning about having a look before joining in and also stepping back if a bit rough, also safe games he really likes role play so talked about non contact stuff. He has played with a small group of kids today who are generally ok so will try and encourage those friendships, have invited a boy who is quiet and doesn't get involved so much for tea next week.

My hubby's job is a bit unsettled house up for sale so thinking we may move out of the area so ideal opportunity to find a super new school, ds says he doesn't want to change school as he would leave his friends, but think that I would know what to look for next time (hopefully)!! I have thought how do they expect him to do school work when he is anxious.

Thanks for your kind words xx