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Bullying

DD feels she is being threatened as being called a bully if she is not friends with a girl in her year

6 replies

itsasunnydaysomewhere · 12/05/2014 13:55

Sorry long one but wanted to give some background.

Issue came to a head recently - DD is feeling that she is being threatened as being reported as a bully by a girl in her year.

Background is that these girls have known each other for a number of years. DD has been friendly with her ("Susan") as she does a number of outside school activities with her but when push comes to shove she sees her as a classmate rather than as a close friend. DD has two very close friends (they are constantly in and out of each other's houses) and mixes well across the year group generally as well as having a number of good friends outside school.

There have been issues in the past with this girl cheating at tennis matches (she is known for this both in and out of school and the girls now make sure that if they have to self-umpire that there is good crowd watching to try and keep things neutral). Accusing others of cheating if she loses and constantly going on about her how good she is at a variety of sports (she's just average in a pool of very talented girls to be honest). The other children find her very self-centred, only wanting to talk about herself (very rarely will ask anyone else what they want to do), clingy and manipulative (she can be very good at turning on the waterworks to get what she wants when things don't go her way).

The annual school activities trip coming up and the year were asked to who they wanted to share rooms with. DD and her two best friends immediately said that they wanted to share together with another girl who they are friendly with (if they got a 4 room) and split up between them into two couples (if they got a 2 room). Susan said that she wanted to share with them. They told her who they had organised to share with but if there was a problem they would let her know. Now the rooms have been confirmed and they are in their original planned 4. Susan has run to the teacher and said that they PROMISED to share with her and that the staff have to redo the room allocations. Luckily DD and her friends overheard this and let the teacher know that that was not the case. DD is adamant that she will not be split up from her 4 - this happened last year and DD was made to share with Susan and 2 others and had a thoroughly miserable time being told what to do all the time. It has taken us months to convince her that she will be allowed to share with her friends as she refused to go otherwise.

She has on a more than 3 occasions accused other girls of bullying her and based on the information that I know (in one case I know both sets of parents so have heard both sides of the story) there was probably no smoke without fire. In reality this girl wants to be included in what she perceives are one of the "in crowds" and has some self confidence issues. Each year the mother says that she looks forward to new girls arriving at the school so Susan can find a group of girls that she will fit in with. TBH Susan just needs to get on with the 100 plus girls there are in the year at the moment.

Now Susan is accusing DD and her friends of bullying her. She says that they are excluding her - ie they won't play with her at break and will only talk to her if they are in a one to one situation. According to Susan they have "turned" on her as demonstrated by the "promise" of sharing a room with her and then "publically" rescinding this. It's all got a bit petty but given her track history she has the other girls worried.

DD is now scared that Susan will accuse her of being a bully. DD can be as insensitive as the next 13 year old but generally is known as a bit of peacemaker. She feels that she is being coerced into being Susan's best friend when really she just wants to have a cordial classmate type of friendship. She has stuck up for this girl in the past and now feels she has been turned on. We have talked about this over the last couple of weeks and I have just told her to watch her back, be civil and inclusive but not to go out of her way to either include or exclude her. As DD says, why should she be forced into being best mates with someone she doesn't particularly like.

In the end I do feel for this girl, she obviously has self confidence issues and needs to feel reassured that she fits into a group but has not learnt those unwritten tricks of the trade when it comes to friendships. I was bullied quite severely at school (to the point that my parents moved me schools) and have always come down like a tonne of bricks on my children if there is even the slightest hint that their behaviour could be seen as less than inclusive but there has to come the point where DD is allowed to choose her friends based on common interests and outlook.

If anyone has any experience, from either side of the fence, could I have some CONSTRUCTIVE advice? I know that I am probably going to get shot down on this, some will say that I colluding with my daughter the bully and that we should consider this girl's feelings more. Frankly if I met her adult version I would stay well clear, why should my daughter be any different?

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sunbathe · 12/05/2014 13:59

I've had this at work - horrible.

Have you talked to the school at all?

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NameChangeAnon · 12/05/2014 14:08

I would have a quiet chat with the teacher. What Susan is doing is a form of bullying after all - threatening to get your DD and her friends into trouble by lying.

I do feel for Susan having difficulty with friendships, but she's self-destructive on that front too. Make sure the teacher knows you have sympathy for her, and encourage your daughter to be compassionate for as for everyone else, but make it plain that your daughter is not to be bullied and threatened. Perhaps the school can help Susan as another learning aim she sorely needs.

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itsasunnydaysomewhere · 12/05/2014 14:09

Sunbathe - yes DD has gone to speak to a teacher she trusts and who knows her well. DD doesn't want to make a big deal of things but has asked for some advice on how to handle the situation. Told pretty much the same as us - watch her back, be civil and inclusive but not to go out of her way to either include or exclude her and let them know if anything develops further. Hopefully they will keep an eye out.

Now I just have to figure out how to deal with Susan's mother who I think is expecting me to run DD over so DD can beg Susan's forgiveness and make a public announcement of their best friendship! At the moment I'm playing the "oh I didn't know that anything was going on" card.

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itsasunnydaysomewhere · 12/05/2014 14:10

NameChangeAnon - agreed, thanks

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fubbsy · 12/05/2014 14:29

Frankly if I met her adult version I would stay well clear, why should my daughter be any different? Exactly, she shouldn't be any different.

I agree with pp, have a quiet word with dd's form tutor.

If it were me, I would just be honest with Susan's mother. Not easy I know, but better in the long run. OK you don't need to use the word 'bully'. Maybe say you will leave it up to dd to get in touch with Susan if she wants to.

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sunbathe · 12/05/2014 14:29

Do you have an assurance from the school about the rooms on the school trip?

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