DD feels she is being threatened as being called a bully if she is not friends with a girl in her year

[itsasunnydaysomewhere]

Sorry long one but wanted to give some background.

Issue came to a head recently - DD is feeling that she is being threatened as being reported as a bully by a girl in her year.

Background is that these girls have known each other for a number of years. DD has been friendly with her ("Susan") as she does a number of outside school activities with her but when push comes to shove she sees her as a classmate rather than as a close friend. DD has two very close friends (they are constantly in and out of each other's houses) and mixes well across the year group generally as well as having a number of good friends outside school.

There have been issues in the past with this girl cheating at tennis matches (she is known for this both in and out of school and the girls now make sure that if they have to self-umpire that there is good crowd watching to try and keep things neutral). Accusing others of cheating if she loses and constantly going on about her how good she is at a variety of sports (she's just average in a pool of very talented girls to be honest). The other children find her very self-centred, only wanting to talk about herself (very rarely will ask anyone else what they want to do), clingy and manipulative (she can be very good at turning on the waterworks to get what she wants when things don't go her way).

The annual school activities trip coming up and the year were asked to who they wanted to share rooms with. DD and her two best friends immediately said that they wanted to share together with another girl who they are friendly with (if they got a 4 room) and split up between them into two couples (if they got a 2 room). Susan said that she wanted to share with them. They told her who they had organised to share with but if there was a problem they would let her know. Now the rooms have been confirmed and they are in their original planned 4. Susan has run to the teacher and said that they PROMISED to share with her and that the staff have to redo the room allocations. Luckily DD and her friends overheard this and let the teacher know that that was not the case. DD is adamant that she will not be split up from her 4 - this happened last year and DD was made to share with Susan and 2 others and had a thoroughly miserable time being told what to do all the time. It has taken us months to convince her that she will be allowed to share with her friends as she refused to go otherwise.

She has on a more than 3 occasions accused other girls of bullying her and based on the information that I know (in one case I know both sets of parents so have heard both sides of the story) there was probably no smoke without fire. In reality this girl wants to be included in what she perceives are one of the "in crowds" and has some self confidence issues. Each year the mother says that she looks forward to new girls arriving at the school so Susan can find a group of girls that she will fit in with. TBH Susan just needs to get on with the 100 plus girls there are in the year at the moment.

Now Susan is accusing DD and her friends of bullying her. She says that they are excluding her - ie they won't play with her at break and will only talk to her if they are in a one to one situation. According to Susan they have "turned" on her as demonstrated by the "promise" of sharing a room with her and then "publically" rescinding this. It's all got a bit petty but given her track history she has the other girls worried.

DD is now scared that Susan will accuse her of being a bully. DD can be as insensitive as the next 13 year old but generally is known as a bit of peacemaker. She feels that she is being coerced into being Susan's best friend when really she just wants to have a cordial classmate type of friendship. She has stuck up for this girl in the past and now feels she has been turned on. We have talked about this over the last couple of weeks and I have just told her to watch her back, be civil and inclusive but not to go out of her way to either include or exclude her. As DD says, why should she be forced into being best mates with someone she doesn't particularly like.

In the end I do feel for this girl, she obviously has self confidence issues and needs to feel reassured that she fits into a group but has not learnt those unwritten tricks of the trade when it comes to friendships. I was bullied quite severely at school (to the point that my parents moved me schools) and have always come down like a tonne of bricks on my children if there is even the slightest hint that their behaviour could be seen as less than inclusive but there has to come the point where DD is allowed to chose her friends based on common interests and outlook.

If anyone has any experience, from either side of the fence, could I have some CONSTRUCTIVE advice. I know that I am probably going to get shot down on this, some will say that I colluding with my daughter the bully and that we should consider this girl's feelings more. Frankly if I met her adult version I would stay well clear, why should my daughter be any different?

[MrsWinnibago]

I think that you should probably think less about your DDs friendships. I mean that in the kindest possible way...some children tell their parents every single detail about their relationships with peers, others tell them nothing...your DD seems to share a lot which is great on one hand and not on the other because you naturally become worried when there's actually no problem really.

There have been no complaints have there? Your DD has not been called a bully....in your shoes I would advise her as you have already done and try to forget all about it.

I have a DD who doesn't fit in so easily as yours does....but can see all sides of these things and I try not to get too involved.

[Charlotteamanda1]

You seem to be getting too emotionally involved with your daughters relationships. All the examples you have listed are normal girl stuff.
Turn it on its head - May be the girl feels rejected and left out and is over compensating for not being included in the group.
Let the girls sort it themselves.

[enderwoman]

My dd is in y6 and I recognise the situation as there is a Susan in her class too. The Susan is very good at running to the teacher in tears and accusing dd's group of excluding her but this sort of thing just annoys dd and her friends more. They aren't angels but I've seen them be friendly to new children, siblings and younger children so they aren't monsters that Susan makes them out to be. Susan was so desperate to be in their group that she stole a sleepover invitation from dd's school bag.

I tell dd not to be rude to Susan but I sympathise with dd. Not all adults like each other equally do they? By sympathy I mean I let her vent.