Dd being bullied and head teacher lied in meeting sorry v long!

[sparklemummy]

I will try to make this as brief as possible but it seems a lot has happened to my dd this passed two weeks. Dd has been bullied on/off at school by a girl in the year above. It started in year 1/2 and has got worse over the years, dd is now in year 5 and the child is in year6 due to leave soon. I made dd teachers aware in year 2 and it was noted, since then it's been silly things like excluding from games to running away.

Dd plays with two girls in her year and has done since yr 1, the bully likes the other two but not dd and she comes to join the group to play changes the game then excludes dd . We have been encouraging dd lately not to walk away but to stay and play as it's effecting her socially. Dd is very mild mannered and finds confrontation hard.

I have made her teacher aware dd was not happy and she raised concerns about dd school work, since then her teacher has referred her to the ed psychologist, as she feels she will also struggle at secondary school. Dd was reffered in year 1 and results showed auditory processing a problem so school used a Iep to help dd with her reading/ writing. Dd has made significant progress and this stopped in yr4 as senco felt it was not longer required.

Last week dd came home very upset to tell me she had been slapped at playtime by the bully and that she had joined dd and her friend then tried to exclude dd, but she stayed and played. I can only assume the bully felt this was the only way to get dd to leave, as no words were exchanged she simply slapped her and look her straight in the eyes.
Unfortunately the bully did this when no one was looking, we spoke to the head and he agreed it was not acceptable and would speak to the child.

When my husband went to collect dd at the end of the day he witnessed the bully calling dd a loser to another child outside the classroom. The children were not aware my husband was there, but it showed just how she feels towards poor dd and the punishment given by the head that day.

we went straight to the head, he was shocked as he had just spoke with the child that day and she denied she has any problem with dd, the head assured us it would be taken seriously and asked the child and parent in the next day, child was punished and we were assured parent would make sure the bully would stay away from dd. The child has been told to play with her own year groups and established friendships with them.

We thought it had been dealt with well by the head but were still worried about dd, the head committed that dd was a very sad little girl and that she seem down and very upset and suggested counselling. He did say that dd was very different and that made it harder for her socially. He seemed to want to put the blame onto dd for being different. We decided to speak to the doctor and check if their was anything we could do for her.

We have found talking with her helpful dd has always been very open with us at home, which helps. We are constantly reassuring her that it is not her fault and she has not done anything wrong. We have now looked into the zap course with kidscape as we feel it would help dd now and with any future situations she may experience.

We organised another meeting with the head and dd's teacher to let them know there was not any counselling available for dd but that the zap corse looked useful. At the meeting the head organised the senco teacher to be there which we were surprised about as this was a meeting about the bullying situation. We explained our concerns for dd and that we were working at home with her encouraging social time/ guides etc to help her confidence. The meeting took a different direction, the head and dd teacher then said dd had been upset that day again and they could not established why. That she was very upset and seemed to be worrying about silly things like her friends not liking her and people talking behind her back. The head crossed his arms and said that he felt that he was at the end of his expertise ! :( there must be something else going on!

We were both very confused and upset he had made us feel like shit and that we were failing dd somehow. We went home and it transpired that dd had been upset but she told us that the bullies brother had shouted at her outside the lunch hall in front of all her friends that he had heard his mum/dad speaking about dd and that they were to stay away from her. Dd was of course embarrassed and very upset. We felt better that at least we knew why now and emailed the head to let him know and went to tell her teacher the next morning. We were then told by dd's teacher that the head in fact knew this and had chosen not to disclose this in our meeting!!!!! My husband asked dd teacher why did they not tell us as it would of explained why dd was upset, we were told this was the heads choice not hers.

My husband called to school and asked the head did he know this in the meeting and if so why did he not tell us. We had promised full disclosure and kept the head up to date with all details to try to stop the bullying happening again. The head called it a human error and apologised telling my husband he did not want the meeting to be negative so choose not to tell us. We are now shocked and very upset, we've spoken to some people who agree this would be taken up with the governors as it is very bad practice . Worst of all the fact that the head was happy for us and the two other teachers in the room to think my dd is an emotional child with god knows what problems!

Sorry for the long thread but if I missed out some details it wouldn't be right, not sure what to do for dd now, I must point out also that dd has absolutely no record of bad behaviour has never been in any trouble whilst at this school. All trust is lost in the head although he has apologised. We feel he is using the senecio to deflect the bullying issues wwyd?

[yadahyadah]

Definitely raise it via the governors. And send your email to the chair, dep chair and governor head of personnel committee. I think the head has behaved poorly in his decision making and his conflation of a bullying incident with possible learning issues. Two totally separate issues. The fact he knowingly hid the brother incident from you and chose to focus on SEN issues is really disappointing. Your daughter is lucky to have parents she can talk to and who are prepared to follow things up if necessary. Good luck.

[sparklemummy]

Thanks for your feedback Yahda we are feeling very confused at the moment, another issues also is we have another child at the school who is perfectly happy. This would probably effect her schooling as well, I'm sure the head is fully aware that we are in a difficult situation.
It's a small village school as well, dd teacher who I'd the deputy head is aware of his behaviour but it looks as though staff are closing ranks.

[sparklemummy]

What would the most likely outcome be if we raised this with the LA/ governors?

[yadahyadah]

Well the governors are ideally not part of that closed ranks system in a school. However chairs of governors can sometimes err towards wholehearted rather than critical support, which is why I suggested cc-ing loads of people within the governing body simply to open the issue up to genuine critical scrutiny. If they do not give you an acceptable response, then you could consider going to the LA.

[sparklemummy]

Thanks guys, glad to hear we are not over thinking/ reacting we have spoken to a governor today and they agreed it's not acceptable behaviour.

[sparklemummy]

Sorry pressed return too soon - anyway he said leave it with him but would speak with committee members and get back to us. We have not put anything in writing were assured it was going to be looked into further. The governors attitude was that that's what the committee is there for to ensure we get the best for our kids, only hope they all feel this way. Thank you all for your help will put an update here when we have more news.

[MillyMollyMama]

Governors generally will back the Head and not the parent, I'm afraid. They appointed the Head and have a working relationship with him. They do not with you. I would not pin your hopes on this. Neither would I pin your hopes on the LA. What could they possibly do to the Head - nothing is the answer. You could see if the bullying policy is being followed properly and the governors must monitor this. Try and find out whose responsibility this is.

However, I would now try and establish better relationships if you still want your children at the school. It appears the bully's parents have taken action, even if you did not hear about it in an appropriate way. I think you need to establish how the school offers care to children who have special needs. Is this why your DD is a target for the bully? Why did the teachers in the room not know your DD? What was the point of them being there? This seems a very muddled way for a school to behave and is almost certainly not in accordance with their policies. I would try and speak to the SENCO and maybe the SEN Governor and get them to agree with you how your DDs well being will be managed in future. They will also have clout against bullying. They seem to be saying that there will be issues at secondary school so maybe these should be addressed now, rather than later.

Having had two girls, I can tell you that some girl is always trying to break up friendships that have been established. It is what some girls seem to enjoy doing. Obviously this child should be punished for slapping, but it is incredibly difficult to smooth the path for your child all the time. As children get older they do make friends with people who share their values but at primary school they are fickle and easily swayed by a strong personality. I know it feels horrible when your child is excluded by others, but it does get better when they find their true friends.

[sparklemummy]

Thanks Milly for your advice, I agree dd will find her way with friends as they get older. My main concern is the ht bad practice with holding important information and deflecting bullying this is not a acceptable. By contacting the governors we want to simply highlight the situation so he's under the spotlight and hopefully feels more pressure to do the right thing should anything else happen.

[Libby456]

Most definitely an issue for the governors, i'm glad you're bringing it up with them.
I just want to say how sorry i am for your dd and you and your husband. its an awful situation to be in. The approach you are taking is showing your concern for dd and you are in no way over reacting, any parent would react the same. It may not bring reassurance right away but this girl in in the year above, she will leave when dd is in year 6 and possibly to a different secondary school when dd is in year 7. In the mean time if anything else happens, make a note of it from dd pov and like usual tell the teacher and head teacher (no matter how much of a dick he's being! he still needs to know on record)
And its really good that dd feels comfortable enough to open up to you. You could tell her also that there are programs that support young people from bullies and other issues
beatbullying.com and childline both offer someone to talk to. totally confidential.

I hope that this girl looks back on this experience and realises how wrong it is. And i am in NO WAY saying her behaviour is justifiable but in some cases the bullies have not got the best home experiences, there is usually a reason behind the bulling (even though it is still NEVER OK)

I really hope this situation gets better
Libs x

[sparklemummy]

Hi thanks Libbs for your advice, we are in the process if speaking with the governors we will see how things go hopefully they will understand-our concernsx