I've come to the horrible realisation that dd is being bullied, please help

[Dancergirl]

And I feel terrible for not intervening earlier.

Dd is in Year 6 so not long left at primary. There is a boy in her class who seems to take delight in mocking her, making nasty and belittling comments, laughing at the way she runs and so on. This probably happens about 2 or 3 times a week and has been going on a long time.

I can see how this is affecting dd and however many times you can reassure her that he's a nasty boy and his comments don't count for anything, I can see her confidence and self esteem being eroded

The immediate problem is their residential trip which starts tomorrow. Dd and this boy are in the same group and she's dreading it. She made a last minute decision to go on the trip and I'm proud of her for doing that but any comments from this boy will just crush her. Apparently the class teacher has said there won't be moving between groups beforehand but if when they get there things aren't working, he might move people then. But I'm going to go in tomorrow morning and ask for dd to change groups. Dd is very close to pulling out of the trip. I'm worried about it as parents can't contact their child so I won't know if she's having a terrible time.

On a more general note, I want to put in a formal complaint about the bullying. So I assume a letter to the class teacher or the head? I have only mentioned things casually to the class teacher in the past. But the head has told me that there have been problems with this boy before. Do I ask about the history and what was done then and what they plan to do now?

Of course the other option will be to pull her out and home ed her until the end of the year. Dh is reluctant to do this as he thinks it gives her the wrong message, ie run away from your problems. Also dd would miss all the fun stuff of the final term.

I'm an easy parent and don't generally complain to the school about minor matters but something has changed in me and I am now extremely angry. I just want to protect my child from further upset, what's the best way to do this?

[Pinknfluffy]

Gosh this sounds so familiar, I really feel for you and your dd. we are in the middle of a similar situation, and I really don't know what to advise you apart from say how we have done it. Definitely go to school and ask for her to move groups though, it's rubbish to say they can't do that. Put something in writing as well, I think if you write to them they have to respond in writing . If you don't get anywhere, go to the deputy head, and then the head. Our situation is ongoing and our dd starts her options next September,we really don't want to move schools but situation is bad. Is this child going to the same secondary school? If he is you could contact the school tell them the history and ask them to be put in different forms.
I know what you mean about not wanting to bother the school, but this is important. My dd has definitely got stronger knowing we are behind her 100 percent. Good luck, and you are not alone in this, doesn't make it any better, though.

[somedizzywhore1804]

If it helps I hated primary school. I was never melliciously bullied in a physical or mental sense but I went to a very small, very insular primary and I just didn't fit in with the other kids. I was left out a lot and belittled by big-fish-in-a-small-pond type kids. Now I would say this, but it was because I was about 150 times brighter than the majority of kids there and because of that came across as eccentric to a lot of these children. I never really had a best friend and thought I was just not cut out for friendships.

From about year 4 onwards my parents complained to the school and contemplated moving me to a different school but I was a shy and quite introverted kid and hated the idea of moving. Very little was done by the school who described me as "bookish" like that was an excuse for other kids to be arseholes.

But when I moved to secondary- a quite eccentric, much larger than average single sex school- I thrived. From that first day I never had a single days trouble. Was never excluded, bullied or left out of anything. Made loads of friends- many I still have 20 odd years later. Ditto at sixth form and university, I've never been short of a friend since and that gave me confidence to be who I actually was and not feel I had to conform.

I know this doesn't help your immediate problem OP but I wanted to share because I really think some kids are not cut out for the rigid and often relentlessly conformist attitudes of some schools and it may just be that like I was, she's currently in a school that's not 100% for her. Her time will come.

In the meantime kick up a fuss with the class teacher and complain to the head. She has a right to be included and to have positive experiences on this upcoming trip.

[Dancergirl]

No, luckily dd is going to a girls grammar and I know she'll have a great time. And I know there's only a term left but to an 11 year old who's being made miserable that's weeks and weeks on end. I want her to enjoy her last few months at primary.

[Eebahgum]

Please speak to the class teacher and tell her what is happening and how it makes your dd feel. If it were me I would allow the swap - we say we can't because girls who fall out and make friends the next day would ask to swap groups 52 times before the start of the trip if not. School need to act swiftly to help dd. and yes, I'd write to the head too as he/she will have more weight/power in the situation too. Not sure if it would help dd or not, but my experience of 11 year old boys would suggest he probably fancies her - it's a juvenile and not very pleasant way of getting her attention.

[Dancergirl]

dizzy you sound very much like my dd. She is also very bright and doesn't really fit in. I know secondary will be the making of her but I want things to improve whilst she still at her current school.

Do you think I've left it late to complain?

[Pinknfluffy]

No I don't think you have left it too late, do you have an email address for the teacher? Or school? You could always email them today. We have emailed school on weekend before, and have had an immediate response. Some teachers check their work emails at weekends. Good luck.

[Delphiniumsblue]

I would definitely talk to the school.
Just a word of warning, do not be too relaxed about grammar schools; bullying happens everywhere and can be worse when intelligent all girls. It is how schools deal with it that matters.

[Dancergirl]

Yes that's true and I've told dd that no school is perfect and you will meet people who aren't nice or you don't get on with etc.

[Martorana]

"No, luckily dd is going to a girls grammar and I know she'll have a great time"

Oh, please be careful.......grammar school does not mean no bullying- it can mean cleverer, more subtle bullying that is easier to deny.

[Delphiniumsblue]

It is just something you need to be on the lookout for, it tends to be more subtle with girls, especially intelligent ones.
With the present problem I am sure they would move groups if you explain.

[Dancergirl]

Yes I know, I actually meant luckily dd and this boy aren't going to the same school!

[Delphiniumsblue]

Cross posted with Martorana. Intelligent girls manage it without getting themselves in to trouble!

[somedizzywhore1804]

I definitely don't think it's too late to complain. I think you should really kick up a stink to be honest- I doubt the class teacher is unaware of the issues but probably thinks your DD can "handle it" if she's mature. I used to get this a lot. I remember my year 6 teacher saying exactly that to my parents after she sat me next to the worst behaved, most horrible boy in the class who tormented me and kept hiding my stuff, "oh I've sat Dizzy next to him because she's so mature. She will be able to handle him!" We no, I was 11 and needed help with being left out and picked on, not to be told I could cope!

[Delphiniumsblue]

It is a huge advantage that she only has one term left with him.

[Delphiniumsblue]

I expect they do take the view that she can handle it, therefore you need to go in and sort it.

[Dancergirl]

Yes it is only a term but to dd that is 12 long weeks of being tormented.

I will talk to the teacher tmw morning about changing groups, they aren't going till lunchtime.

As for the more general complaint, should I write to the class teacher and cc the head a copy? I suppose it won't be looked at now till next term.

[Rarathelion]

I haven't really got anything helpful to say but I hope your dd's teacher will facilitate a group change so that she can enjoy the trip.

somedizzywhore1804, for some reason your post has really brightened my day. I can't articulate exactly why (after a night with teething toddler) but I think it is so nice to hear that once you were in the right environment, you were able to thrive socially.

[baggytshirt]

Go to the school early tomorrow and talk to the class teacher and head teacher. They have dozens of children to deal with, so if you're not making a fuss, they have no idea how bad the problem is. Tell them this boy is making your daughters life a misery to the extent you want to home ed. Ask them what they're policy is on bullying and what they're going to do about it, and tell them dd is taking a mobile and is to be allowed to call you any time she likes, that is not talked out of it.

If you're not happy with their response and your dh has no solution, tell him being no support is no use to either of you and home ed. I would say this as someone who wants to home ed anyway, but if your dh has no better ideas he can live with it. Trust your instinct, you're her Mum and the person who knows her best. I do hope the school are effective and able to deal with this though.

[Rarathelion]

Sorry, op, also to say that yes I would request a meeting with the teacher and head and quickly follow this up with a written letter stating meeting minutes taken and the agreed next steps so that there is a paper trail. That might be enough for the school to start addressing this issue properly. Btw, your dd sounds lovely .

[Dancergirl]

I did wonder about a mobile phone. Dd does have one, they aren't supposed to take them but maybe she should? I'm not sure where she could call or text though, don't think it's a good idea if the other girls know she's got one.

[Notgoingtotakeitanymore]

We had similar problem with dd also yr 6. Went to the head and class teacher and said how it was affrcting dd her work etc. Whatever they did worked as he doesn't bother her any more.

[somedizzywhore1804]

Thanks Rarethelion. I think it happens a lot more than people talk about.

[MyFirstName]

Another vote for talking to the teacher.

Also spend a bit of time before the trip "arming" her with some approptiate comments to respind to him. If her mocks her running "At least I can improve my running with practise. How will you improve your mean personality?" Or often the best retort to bullies it to turn their taunt back on them...make them centre of attention "I am sorry Bullyboyname" I do not understand what you mean when you say I run like a rabbit..can you explain?" It is soooo effective as the bully then is the one who has to have an answer or they look like a twat. They are a twat..they will probably be stumped and after a few of these leave yoyr Dd alone.

Role play a few things with. Call them her tools to deal with him. Get her to write a list of responses. This worked really well with my DD once..and having the tools fave her enough confidence that I think her whole demeanor changed around the bully and she was left alone ever since!

And please excuse typing-am on temporary phone and cannot work out keyboard/spellcheck

[MyFirstName]

www.ehow.com/how_2302842_deal-someone-mocking-you.html#page=8
Some are a bit naff but may help DD...especially as is "the internet" suggesting it rather than "mum" who jyst "will not undersrand"

[RandomMess]

I do think you need to get the school to take this seriously, it's not acceptable!!!! Why should your dd have a miserable end to her primary years?