Advice on other parents condoning bullying

(9 Posts)
wiltscpl Wed 18-Dec-13 09:03:52

In brief

DS confided in me and OH that he was being bullied at school - nasty homophobic orientated stuff that made him so scared he didn't want to go to the changing rooms. OH is a teacher so knows how to address it. Statement sent to school etc etc. school assured us it had been dealt with and DS was much happier. However about three weeks later DS was upset that he was being left out by the 'cool kids' ( my words not his). We put this down to the cool kids being annoyed with him for telling on them. Things again seemed to improve.

It now appears that there is a parent sanctioned (maybe a bit strong but at least tacitly acknowledged ) campaign by the bullies to ostracize DS from the social life after school. Two parties everyone but him has been invited too etc.

Children acting petulantly after being disciplined I can deal with but parents who allow their children to be this divisive I cannot

Apart from giving them a slap what to do ? Advice welcome

DS is 9 3/4 and all the boys involved are the alpha male sportsmen of the year.

DameDeepRedBetty Wed 18-Dec-13 09:08:40

Can you speak to the class teacher and make sure she/he is aware that this is going on outside the school? Bullying by exclusion is still bullying.

Some of the parents will not be aware of how horrible their children are being, as this is the age group where whole class parties fade away to be replaced by smaller groups, often going off to do stuff like Laserquest. But if that 'smaller group' is actually all but one or two of the boys in a class, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

capsium Wed 18-Dec-13 09:12:32

I think it is very difficult to judge from the outside.

These parents may be wary of their children socialising with your DS, outside of school, because they don't want problems to escalate again. We are still talking about young primary aged children so it is understandable, taking into consideration their lack of maturity, that problems might arise.

Hopefully they will learn their lesson though and if things do improve at school you might find some of these children might start to behave in a more friendly manner towards your DS.

I can remember being bullied by a girl at that age who later became one of my friends at secondary school.

MerryMarigold Wed 18-Dec-13 09:17:41

Is it really 'everyone but him', or just all the cool kids apart from him? If it is everyone, then the school need to know about it. Try and get your ds some friends outside school, and if necessary move school though I assume he is in Y5. Did this start recently?

MerryMarigold Wed 18-Dec-13 09:19:14

I would also list the 'social exclusion' incidences not just as 'etc.' eg. 2 parties where the only kids not invited were....

meditrina Wed 18-Dec-13 09:28:53

By that age, whole class parties are becoming rarer. Are you sure he was the only one not invited each time?

The school can prevent these boys behaving badly at school, and can facilitate the building of positive and inclusive groupings, but they cannot regulate behaviour outside the school. And it is possible that the other parents know little of this and have simply invited those that their DSes say are their friends.

But definitely worth mentioning to the school that your DS appears to be isolated and ask if there is more that can be done.

wiltscpl Wed 18-Dec-13 09:43:59

Understand the outside of school piece is out of schools control - capsium the children were being out of order both physically and mentally towards DS.

The issue that really grips me is that I sat next to the ringleaders mum at carols the other day and she made all the right noises that her DS was missing spending time with mine etc all the time knowing full well that the next day she had condoned the little sh!t not inviting my son to his party.

Got to dash but more advice needed

Lottiedoubtie Wed 18-Dec-13 09:47:13

Honestly? Life's too short. Move schools.

capsium Wed 18-Dec-13 10:14:00

wiltscpl Don't get me wrong I am not condoning their behaviour in any way. I suffered being bullied myself, as a child, and this was physical as well a mental.

However it is very difficult to make somebody be friendly. You can police behaviour to a certain extent and stop bullying whilst these children are supervised, however actual friendship goes deeper than this.

If the parent of one of these children was trying to say how her child missed spending time with yours, perhaps this was genuine. I would not expect proper friendship to grow overnight though. She may have thought including your child would be too challenging for her to adequately supervise her DS (to the degree required) with his friends to ensure there was no nastiness.

Sometimes there can be one ring leader in a bullying group, who the others are all too frightened of to cross. That ring leader might have some genuine problems himself.

Personally I would do all you can to make sure your child is happy in school but also do all you can do encourage enough emotional resilience to enjoy himself whether he goes to parties outside of school or not.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now